Friday, May 8, 2009

My Head Smells Like A Coconut, But That's Another Story

So I was going to write this whole post about how my head smells like a coconut now because I ran out of my usual shampoo and had to use the girly stuff and it was called "Shea Butter" and I don't even know what the fuck that even is, and now I feel like Gilligan because I washed my hair in something coconut. But that was before new evidence came to light and I had to rapidly change my blogging agenda to address this very important information, because I am fluid and dynamic like the majestic Narwal, swimming the cold Arctic waters searching for a meaning to this, this great puzzle we call life. And also for someone to stab because I'm an effing whale with a horn, and if you don't think that is the bee's knees than you are drunker than I am. Which seems highly unlikely.

Turns out the Hillbilly neighbors have a box of duck.

When The Boy told me, I had to have him repeat it.

Me: They have a box of..?
Boy: Ducks.
Me: A box of ducks.
Boy: Yeah. A box of ducks.
Me: You actual...
Boy: Ducks. Yeah. The box doesn't have a lid though. The ducks can get out.
Me: So they just walk around in the apartment,
Boy: Yeah. They're cute. Except their poop is weird. Have you seen duck poop?
Me: Yeah. It's green and slimy. Let's get back to the ducks though.
Boy: Okay. There are six I think. Three adults and three baby ducks.
Me: And they just spend their day getting in and out of their box?
Boy: Dad. They're just ducks. Not landmines.

And so it went for pretty much the whole morning because I am fascinated by the concept of keeping forest animals in corrugated cardboard, and who the hell thinks ducks are good to have in an apartment? and The Boy says sometimes they bring the duck box outside so they can play in the lawn and I don't know how I feel about the concept of "playing" with a duck, because I'm pretty sure they aren't built for play like a dog is. I mean when I think of "playing with a duck" I think of some dirty kid trying to poke his finger up the duck's asshole. And that's not playing. That's bestiality.

And I think about calling the SPCA on them, and then I think maybe the World Wildlife Fund because they have such a cool panda on their logo, and then I think about calling Captain Planet, but then I remember he's not real so shut up, and then I think about calling for a pizza because all this thinking about ducks is hard work and I'm starving and then I see that a re-run of an NCIS is on, and I hate Mark Harmon when he's not in Summer School and I sit there and watch the whole episode all "Pfffft! Right! Like that would ever happen!" and then it's over and I realize I just sat through ANOTHER show I hate for the sake of hating it and I wonder if that is NCIS's core demographic. People who hate NCIS and watch it to hate it more. And...wait...what was I supposed to be doing. Something about ducks. (*shrugs*)


Anna Russell said...

Ducks gang rape each other. I know this because I saw it happen and did nothing because they have beaks and I don't.
I am fairly sure a coconut-scented Narwhal and a Captain Planet panda could take them though.

Kristine said...

I'm always getting tricked into watching stuff I hate. I think it's like, gamma ray technology or something. Then in the end, I feel superior for having duped THEM. It makes no sense. But then again, it kind of does. (Does it?)

Mona Lott said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm coconut:D

Um... Ducks, yes. Are their wee little ducky bodies hitting the floor? 'Cause that would definitely be something WWF would be interested in, I think.

H hates the shit out of Mark Harmon AAAAND NCIS for the same exact reason. This makes me mildly glad I've never seen Summer School, or have at least blocked it out. I DID see the one where Christopher Meloni was the crazy camp cook though, AND he was on Noggin reading stories to small children, and I have extremely mixed emotions about him now, but he still makes me tingly, which makes me feel dirty and even MORE confused, and clearly I need a break.

Vic said...

Your duck neighbor and my duck neighbor are definitely related. Imagine the smell in those houses.I feel pretty lucky to have escaped that gene pool.

If you had a big enough pool, on the other hand, a narwal would be an amazing pet.

Lana said...

is the sad dog still around? can he intervene and tell the ducks to get out while there's still time?

TMC said...

I'm super impressed that you know it's "bestiality" and not "beastiality" as some people erroneously say.

p.s. Ducks aren't forest creatures. They're aquatic. Or avian. Uh, let's just go with stinky.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...



I can...believe...I...beat...Miss Yvonne...

*champion arms*

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Mark Harmon was the Coors guy, no? Mmmm . . . beer. Is it too early?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...



Kurt said...

@Anna: We have infinity ducks around here. If you trip and fall there's like a 99% chance you land on a duck raping something.

@Kristine: It does in that "No it doesn't" kind of way.

@Mona: Summer School was actually mildly amusing and features an excellent fellatio joke so you'd feel welcome and right at home I bet.

@Vic: True: But you know how often you'd have to clean the filter? And by that I mean, you know how often I would forget to clean the filter until I've got a dead narwal carcass floating in my backyard?

@Lana: There is much debate over what happened to "The Saddest Dog in the World". I doesn't live here anymore though.

@TMC: What? There can't be lakes in the forest? What kind of jive-ass forests do you live near?

@SMU, Kid: I'm proud of you, although Miss Yvonne is sick so it's like you just won a boxing match against an invalid. But still... Good Job!

@Nate's Mom: I don't think it's ever too early for beer. But that's because I'm a drunk.

@Steamy: I know what that is code for. Sly dog-gess. Wink! Wait...what? In my colon? That's just wrong.

Miss Yvonne said...

NCIS's core audience is people in their 60's. I know this because my in-laws live for this show and make me watch their dvr'd episodes whenever I go visit and say things like "You'll love this episode, it's so great!" and I'm all trying to find something to stab myself in the face with and then they follow up with "After this, let's watch Cold Case!"


miss. chief said...

"they're just ducks, not landmines"

Mona Lott said...

You know me too well:D

mymilabean said...

The only time I ever lived in an apartment my roommate had two ducks. They didn't live in a box, but rather my roommates bathroom. They shit A LOT and then we found one dead so I snuck the other to the animal refuge in town. Maybe she forgot to feed it? But then where was all the shit coming from? Ahhh, life's little mysteries! Then she filled her tub up with 100 lbs of flour. I would be lying if I said THAT wasn't fun. I would be lying if I said WE weren't on drugs.

Soda and Candy said...

Wow, your attention span rivals mine for...

Hey, shoes!

Sass Pizzazz said...

Speaking of watching things you hate... I HATE the blog of my former college roommate (she's a super-duper-Christian seminary student, which pretty much sums it up), but I check it every day in the hopes that she's updated it so I can read it and hate it even more. Then I tell other people about the stupid things she says on her blog, and they want to know why I'm reading it if I hate it so much, and I have to pretend like I accidentally stumbled onto my keyboard and pressed some buttons with my face and her blog came up by accident. You know, so I don't seem weird.

Speaking of which, when I was trying to come to *this* blog, which I don't hate, I accidentally typed 'monster happathy' 3 TIMES before I got it right. Make of that what you will.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: That show makes me angry at my mother's birth canal for ever ejecting me.

@miss.chief: He's a funny one.

@mymilabean: HAhaha! That sounds like the perfect roommate. Perfect for drowning! My roommates are never perfect. They always try to "swim away" or "call for help". Chickenshits.

@Soda: Now hold on! I take great umbrage with...hey are these my pants?

@Sass: I think the "Monster Happathy" is a big drag queen from Houston. Seriously. <--not even a little serious.

Maelstrom said...

I'm not really up to speed with knowing the wrestlers, which guy uses that panda for his symbol?