Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Mad Science

Hattori Hanzo: So, how goes the self-imposed vacation?
Me: Shhh. My stories are on.
Hattori Hanzo: So... getting a lot done then?
Me: Actually, I've accomplished plenty. Dick.
Hattori Hanzo: For example?
Me: Well I discovered that if I dip the belt of my bathrobe in my coffee mug, I can wick most of a cup up and then I can suck on it for the rest of the day for delicious coffee flavor.
Hattori Hanzo: THAT robe?
Me: Yeah.
Hattori Hanzo: The robe that touches your ass all day?
Me: Yeah. So what? I'm not sucking the coffee out of the robe's ass part. I put a duct tape "Do not use" box around the ass part. I believe with great power comes great responsibility.
Hattori Hanzo: You can't quote Spider-man everytime you do something gross. So what else have you done?
Me: I invented a new obscene gesture. Wanna see?
Hattori Hanzo: No. Not reall...
Me: (*obscene gesture*)
Hattori Hanzo: ....
Me: Why did you just speak an ellipsis?
Hattori Hanzo: I don't get it. Was that supposed to be...
Me: Yeah. You know...with lube...
Hattori Hanzo: But...I don't think the body will even do...
Me: That's what makes it obscene.
Hattori Hanzo: That would be hard to pull off in traffic. Especially with the twirl.
Me: I feel I'm up to the challenge.
Hattori Hanzo: Ugh... what is that smell?
Me: Old Beef Gravy. Sorry.
Hattori Hanzo: You dipped the other end of the robe belt in gravy?
Me: I have to push the boundries of science. It's in my nature.
Hattori Hanzo: I'm at the point where I'm amazed you ever had a job.
Me: (*obscene gesture*)
Hattori Hanzo: I still say that part with the coconuts is impossible.

17 comments:

beth said...

this cracked me up and made some of my morning tea come out my nose..... only because I have been known to live in my robe....especially in the winter !!!

my family just laughs and knows it's the one piece of clothing {?} that I can't/wouldn't live without !!!

Kat said...

Oh *catches breath* That was the funniest damn thing I have read all morning. You are so awesome that your awesome is awesome.

TrodoMcCracken said...

rfjktgikareihfgjkhfdkjfdjkerkerkjdfjkdfg <-- that's all I've got to say to you. I can pull off randomly hitting keys on the keyboard and playing if off as a comment because I'm an ex-cripple and I can do what I want!

Miss Yvonne said...

Throwing a twirl into your new obscene gesture gives you even more street cred, yo.

Frankenfinger said...

Reminds me of the flavored towel from H2G2.

Im still stuck on Cock Swamp!
Ive been singing it all morning to the tone of Blues Clues.
Cock Swamp Cock Swamp! Cock Swamp Cock Swamp!

Mona Lott said...

Yup, that sounds wicked gangstah!

videoblogvideoblogvideoblogHanzo is SUCH a dream crusher.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

We are lookin for Cock Swamp...We are looking for Cock Swamp...

Thanks, Frankenfinger.

Are you watching your stories from your period couch, squealing things like "I DO deCLAYah!!" and "Of ALL the NEHV!!" because if you are that would cement your street cred forever. *snickers* (Gay Street.) *snickers*

Peggy said...

Pretty sure Hattori Hanzo should take over for a while...You need to get out!

(That's what she said)

Wow, that was awkward said...

You wear slippers and a robe. Are those black socks pulled up high to your knees?

*expecting the obscene gesture"

Anonymous said...

Okay, follow this arrow --->

Now pretend I know how to make the little stick below this arrow and follow it ^

Keep going up ^ until you hit your Pegboy blip.

You there? Good. Ok then. TWSS.

-becky

Carolyn...Online said...

That robe sucking snack thing is genius. Gross, but genius.

miss. chief said...

i liked the part about the duct tape square. that's pretty smart.

Random Chick said...

Ewww. And BTW I know you're famous now and don't have time to come visit my blog. That's okay. I know fame changes people. Look at Marie Osmond. Oh, bad example...

Soda and Candy said...

Robes are awesome. I have a pink fluffy one myself. (TWSS)

Actually this post reminded me of the bit about towels in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the excellent book, not the disappointing movie)

Harna said...

I have yet to take your "feel better about unemployment" advice and purchase a robe, but now I totally will because the only way I can stand coffee is if it's sucked through terry cloth.

Captain Dumbass said...

I should really try to come here earlier. And I need to buy a robe.

Belle said...

What would you do without Hattori? He sure puts things in perspective for you. Thank God you have a friend that is so well-balanced.