Monday, May 18, 2009

'Labial' is not Corporate-Speak

Me: I think we need a vacation.
Hattori Hanzo: From What?
Me: From all this unemployment. I miss working. This sucks. We need to get away.
Hattori Hanzo: Umm ...I think maybe we just need a job.
Me: You need to think outside the box.
Hattori Hanzo: ...
Me: You need to shift your paradigm.
Hattori Hanzo: Why are you speaking in corporate clichés?
Me: We need to optimize our throughput.
Hattori Hanzo: You have no idea what any of that means.
Me: We need to maximize our synergy.
Hattori Hanzo: Seriously. Knock it off.
Me: We have to have full divestiture from discrepination.
Hattori Hanzo: Now you're using made-up words. You need to stop this immediately.
Me: Heh. We need to minimize our point-to-point labial constructs.
Hattori Hanzo: I'm pretty sure that "labial" means something different than what you think it does.
Me: You need to think outside of your mom's box is all.
Hattori Hanzo: I hate you.

PS: I totally am taking it easy this week, so don't be all "Yo, Holmes! Where the writin' at?" because that's really improper phrasing, sentence structure, and wording. Also, wanna see how far I can flip my slipper into the air? It's awesome.


Lana said...

i'm pretty sure full divestiwhatever will get you a part time job as a lunch ladyman or something of the like.

Miss Yvonne said...

I heard Victoria's Secret is looking for an Executive Labial Manager in their corporate office, so maybe you should look into that.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Oh my god. You got a job, didn't you? Admit it!

Vic said...

Discrepination! Oh, how I've missed you, discrepination.

You are so corporate it makes me want to put shoulder pads in my clothes.

Char said...

i need a job - I actually related

Pearl said...

Ha! And I need to LEAVE my job because I actually related!

You do play corporate bingo, don't you? Get all those words on a card and quietly tick them off as they come up during the meeting. It's hard not to get excited when someone says "benchmark" and you've been waiting for it to finally get that "bingo"!


Maggie May said...

i'm pretty sure labial means 'greatly constructed'

it's weird how many blog posts are now about being out of work

Carolyn...Online said...

I challenge you to a slipper flipping contest for distance.

Mona Lott said...

Hattori totally brings it on himself. When will he learn?!

Kurt said...

@Lana: They won't let me. They say elephants never forget, but let me tell you...restraining orders never forget either.

@Miss Yvonne: I already applied for that job. The orientation was alarming!

@Nate's Mom: Let's not get crazy here.

@Vic: I'm totally wearing suspenders right now. But they're holding up my sweatpants and giving me a wicked wedgie, so Time's Up!

@Char: I apologize profusely.

@Pearl: I played corporate "Mousetrap" instead only instead of making the net fall on the mouse after a Rube Goldbergesque series of events, I just got laid off. I win!

@Maggie May: I think "greatly constructed" makes a lot of sense, because that thing is like a work of impossible engineering.

@Carolyn: Pfft. You don't want the heat I can bring in slipper flipping.

@Mona: Never. He's a masochist.

Harna said...

Excuse me, your labia is showing.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I thought only grandpas and/or playboys wear slippers. Which are you?

Prosy said...

Can you roll your fedora up your arm onto your head, Usher style? Just something you might want to work on this week.

Peggy said...

So...this was an internal dialogue I take it? What does that say about your mother?

Peggy said...

Oh yeah, I went there.

That Baldy Fella said...

That's it, I'm instituting Corporate Mousetrap in my office from tomorrow.

Frankenfinger said...

When I was unemployed I watched "Office Space" every other day to flush out those thoughts of wanting to get back to work.

Pop and Ice said...

You're still doing "corporate speak" so you're ready to be fished back into the pond anytime!

Soda and Candy said...

So what you're saying is, going forward, you're taking this discussion offline and actioning it in realtime?

The Jules said...

Make sure slipper-tossing is on your CV.

Include distances in both metric and imperial though. It shows diversifimatory qualities.