Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Knock it Off, Spring.

I was laying in bed this morning trying to push off the naked bikini supermodel because she was totally up in my grill, Yo. And she totally has terrible morning breath which is an unfortunate side effect of all the blow-jays but I can't get her to stop. Also she might be pretend. And ok, Chief Inspector, I guess the one thing you didn't learn at Genius Detective School was manners, and yeah, maybe she IS my pillow, but I totally woke up with it on my face and I was all "Step off, Pillow!" and I shoved it roughly, but then it fell off the bed so I feel bad. I guess it's tough to love me sometimes. I'd pretend to understand, but I really don't.

Love is everywhere this time of year and that is the real reason for this post, because I'd like to take issue with that shit. I mean, I wake up and the birds are chirping and it smells like tree blossoms so even the plants are humping each other and when I walk past the canal, and totally don't think about throwing myself into the cold water gaining a needed release from this life of misery and woe awesomeness and sexy behavior that I have, the ducklings are all leaving tiny v-shaped trails behind their proud parent ducks and I look at my kids and then I hit them because they never leave cute trails behind, just dirty dishes and underpants, and HEY LOOK I'm writing about having kids and how tough it is! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh...it's funny because it's true! 

So the asshole ducks are looking cute, and even bugs are holding hands probably and when I go to the grocery store, silently hoping my tires were squashing a million young ants in love on the way, I park and before I can turn the car off this young couple comes out and they are holding hands. And I know what you are thinking. You're thinking "Kurt. You are so awesome." , but please try and stay focused because even though that is true I'm trying to tell a story.  

And then the couple does some romantic stuff like RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR! And I'm not talking about sensual boob honking or super-deep frenching all over my life, I mean like tiny kisses where their lips just brush each others and then they lean back and look in each others eyes and their hearts probably flutter and somewhere a puppy is born, and I have to quick put up the big cardboard thing that covers my windshield so my car doesn't get too hot and it says "Honk if you Smurf!" and has Papa Smurf taking Smurfette from behind over the sink in a dirty bus terminal bathroom. 

Okay, maybe I made that part up and just ducked down low in my seat and tried to cover my eyes with my hand, but I can still see and now he is walking her to her car and his hand is on her back guiding her gently and protecting her from highwaymen or whatever and they take like six steps between each kiss, and it's so obvious they are stupid-in-love, and that's just awesome, so I take my hand away and allow myself to enjoy the loviness of it all, and birds are chirping and probably the sun has a big smiley face on it and white gloves that it is waving back and forth in a weird little sun dance, and the flowers are singing songs and in the olden days they would say everything is "happy and gay" but no one says that anymore, because gay has come to mean "anal sex" in the minds of people who don't know what they are talking about, and if everything was "happy and anal sex" that would be one weird happy cartoon song with singing flowers.

And I am not jealous, if that's what you're thinking, because I have tons of love in my life, because of your mom and also Come here, Pillow. I didn't mean it.

24 comments:

Kristine said...

You totally wrote that scene from Anchorman, didn't you? Let's go to Pleasure Town!

Also, this was hilarious. I especially love the sun and the anal sex.

Kat said...

Well ya know if you told the pillow thanks for all the Blow Jays it might not get all up in your grill in the morning, yo.

Mona Lott said...

Oh Kurt, you're so awesome:D

Walter said...

Oh man that was totally hilarious when you talked about how having kids is hard. So funyn and true, you should probably devote your blog to that. I wonder why no one else has blogs about being a parent and how it's hard...oh wait. Sorry, what I meant was, I wonder you're like one in five bloggers in the entire world who don't have blogs about parenting. I alwasy get those numbers reversed.

Walter said...

Also the idea of the stupidly in love guy protecting the stupidly in love girl from highman is awesome. That would have been a great end to the story, a fight between him and a highwayman.

Peggy said...

You paint a perfect picture.

My favorite part was where the smiley sun was wearing white gloves.

Scandalous Housewife said...

I love the new blog look!

Suburbia Steph said...

I totally saw 2 big ass flies gettin' their freak on RIGHT IN FRONT OF me the other day!

Geez, get a room, already, flies! Have you NO shame?

I so wish I had my fly swatter handy at that moment...

Miss Yvonne said...

Pillows are way better than bikini models anyway because pillows won't dump you when you get a pot belly and start watching tv without a shirt on while you dig in your navel and then smell your fingers. Bikini models are jerks like that.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Dude - you are hilarious! I can't believe it took me so long to come over from the likes of Mandy and gang. I like when the bugs hold hands because then I usually get dual squashing in on one stomp.

The Jules said...

Love, apprently, is a burning thing. You can tell because of the fiery ring that it creates. Once, when I was all bound by wild desire, right, I fell into a ring.

Of fire.

Needs work . . .

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I felt bad for your pillow when you lied about throwing her off the bed, but not for your kids when you lied about hitting them. I'm gonna be a great mom one day.

elohssanatahw said...

I had this neck pillow thing, looked like a big white bone. I have been looking for it for days. It was under my neck one minute and gone the next.

I swear I didn't confuse it with a "boner", honestly, to my waking knowledge I never mistreated it once.

He couldn't have run off, he had no legs?

Sass Pizzazz said...

You're right, love is ridiculous.

Hell, if it weren't for all the highwaymen around here, I wouldn't even need to be in a relationship. But as it is, you can't swing a stick around here without knocking a highwayman in his dastardly skull, and I'm just a delicate flower. So, I have to have a boyfriend. At least until my jiujitsu certification comes in the mail.

Char said...

you're such a girl

Vic said...

I think if you could write a post where you go to the supermarket WITH a bikini supermodel and a lamp, and then you knock both of them over in the frozen food aisle, I could die a happy woman.

Also, the pillow was way too needy, IMHO.

TMC said...

Yeah, I've had similar problems with naked bikini supermodels. Why are they so damned clingy?

miss. chief said...

where can you get one of those Honk if you Smurf cardboard dealys? not that i have a car, but maybe i could just carry it around with me when i'm walking somewhere to prevent me from getting too hot

Soda and Candy said...

When you crossed out misery and woe, I read it as misery and wee. And I was all like "that's a bit too much info, Kurt. I don't need to know about your wee."

And yet I didn't think the same thing about when you said you were getting beejays from your pillow.

*shrugs*

Nikki said...

I'm convinced that your life is all a lie and you actually never leave the house because you are one of those introverts or whatever they are called and all of your stories come from your brain because NO ONE loves like the couple you described unless they are hopped up on crack and then they wouldn't be walking slowly they would be doing the jitter step.

Captain Dumbass said...

Maybe try a scented fabric softener next time you do laundry.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: Anal Sex WAS pretty much what this was about.

@Kat: The Pillow is a filthy slut. You should hear the things it says!

@Mona: You took home the Moral of the story. Well done.

@Walter: OR what if I wrote about celebrity gossip? Has anyone done that? I'm such an innovator.

@Peggy: The trouble is keeping them clean. The sun is always getting it's white gloves dirty.

@Scandy: Thanks, no it looks more like a restroom. Which is what I was going for.

@Steph: And you watched? Perv.

@Miss Yvonne: Yes, most bikini models do get stuck up. That's why I recycle them.

@Wow: Welcome. I like how you make Mandy sound like a Little Rascal. That's awesome.

@Jules: No, no. It was good. (*looks around awkwardly*)

@SMU, Kid: You will because you know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run... no wait...that's a gambler.

@Whatanassholebackwards: Maybe you dreamed it was a delicious toaster pastry and you ate it.

@Sass: You have to be careful of Highwaymen. They're crafty. It's the masks. You never know when they're sticking their tongues out at you.

@Char: You're such a belle.

@Vic: Well I certainly don't want you to die, so I refuse to write that. Please don't haunt me.

@TMC: Daddy issues. Plus they're always hungry.

@miss.chief: I wish I had one now really bad. Stupid imagination.

@Soda: That's because blow-jays with the mouth are the ultimate expression of love even better than hugging, and you can look it up if you don't believe me.

@Nikki: They were so in love that they turned all the cars around them gay. I have no idea what that means.

@Cap'n D: Yeah...that's hot.

Carolyn...Online said...

Oh yeah, listen about that. My mom wanted to talk to you about your "relationship." It's not you it's her. Really.

Harna said...

The best is toads boning. Like in sixth grade when the man classroom toad climbed on top of the lady classroom toad and stayed there for DAYS and we'd all laugh and whisper "they're totally doing it!" Then the teacher would get all pissed and say, "no they're not, the male is just stimulating the female." Yep, sounds like boning to me...