Monday, May 4, 2009

Jr. High Was an A-Hole Because of This Movie

So Revenge of the Nerds was on G4 last night, and I hate that movie so much it makes me crap blood.  Now, you may ask yourself how that is possible seeing as how I have such an awesome sense of humor and yeah maybe up until this point you thought I was a great humanitarian and that's why I probably have like a thousand Nobel Peace Prizes and that I am incapable of any kind of negative emotion, but you would be wrong. If that movie was a starving orphan in some place hot and gross and there were flies climbing all over it and it's belly was all distended I would be all "Good. Fucker." And the reason for that is because of one tiny little fact. In 1984 when the movie came out I looked pretty much exactly like...well here...you check it out:

Your Author before all the handsome genes kicked in and some douchebag from the biggest asshole movie ever circa 1984.

Turns out there was this guy named Andrew Cassese, and in Revenge of the Nerds he played "Harold Wormser" and maybe you don't see the resemblence because it's hard to get past how a stud like me could ever have been a goofy looking kid, but hey guess what else? The Space Shuttle exploded too, so crazy shit can happen is my point. Yeah, deep in the 80's while everyone else was Wang Chunging and putting on Madonna pre-whore arm bangles, I was just this dorky kid who had to tolerate a little mild ribbing on account of his excellent taste in too-short pants and his glasses that have probably been recycled for use in the Hubble Space telescope thing. 

So when the movie came out it was all rated "R" because of boobies and maybe that would spurn others to hate those as well if they were in my shoes, but Boo-ya! I overcame that. However, I wasn't allowed to watch the movie because my parents were all stuck up and hated me, so all my classmates go to see it and then they came into school the following Monday and Hey Look! It's Wormser! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. And I was all confused because I didn't even know what a wormser was and it was about two weeks before my  best friend enlighted me and then I saw the picture of him and I was all "Oh fuck." only since I was only in eigth grade maybe I just bit my lip and peed my pants a little or something. And Hey! Guess what else? You know how in the movie, at the end, all the people come to realize that Nerds are actually cool and they had a big dance-off and the overwhelming unity of the whole campus showed us that it was okay to be different and unique even if that was a little dorky and had too-short pants? Well the people at my school must have left early and missed that part because "Hey Look! That kid looks like Wormser! HAHAHHAHAHAHA!" 

I repeat. Fuckers.

So when I was old enough I went out and rented it and watched it and I was all "Hey that is pretty funny! Fuckin' Nerds!" and then I looked around because I hoped no one from Jr. High was around to hear me and would remember that "exciting" phase of my physical development, but luckily I was sitting in my house alone, crying without realizing it and cleaning my father's 45 for like the billionth time. Of course by that point I had grown up enough so that all I had to do was stare at a girl and her panties would explode. And that may sound like a good thing but trust me it was. 


23 comments:

Janine said...

Note to self and others: Copyright yourself. Someone made money with this look and someone didn't.

just sayin.

Kristine said...

Well, you sure showed them, right!? Look at you NOW! Internet celebrity! SO not nerdy.

I was just fat when I was younger. Maybe if people thought I looked like Booger or something I wouldn't be a raging anorexic/bulimic/manic depressive.

Also, you were totally a cute kid. Cuter than that dog, even. And without Wormser's buck teeth.

erin said...

I've never actually seen that movie, but I've heard it referred to many times. My parents were all stuck up and hated me too, I wasn't allowed to do anything! Until I turned 14 and they just gave up and I became a horrible civil nuisance...

Miss Yvonne said...

You should have taken up playing the keyboard guitar and wore a jumpsuit and sunglasses and talked into a microphone in a robot voice and then the kids at school would have been all "Whoa, Kurtwormser is like totally rad". Either that or you would have been pantsed way more.

P.S. You had a Commodore 64, right?

Mona Lott said...

God damn it, Kurt. My panties totally just exploded. STOP THAT!! I'm running out!

I hate that movie too.

Anna Russell said...

Now, that's the hotness right there, yo.

Suburbia Steph said...

Fuckers!!!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I totally thought wormser was the cool one. He was a child genius, and he liked boobies and beer, and I was like, What's this cool advanced kid doing with all those nerds?

I kinda thought that about myself too, so maybe I was projecting a little.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Revenge of the nerds?
Check out my video today. I'm living it, baby!

Carolyn...Online said...

But the nerds got revenge. Have you gotten revenge for those tragic glasses yet?

Captain Dumbass said...

Hey, Bill Gates looked like that and... um. Sorry, that's a bad example. How's the job search going?

Prosy said...

I'm having trouble believing thats a real picture of you.
I looked mad ridiculous when I was in elementary school, but I am pretty fly now, so I just like to thing that I am going to continue to get better and better looking.

Vic said...

I would totally have hung out with you in junior high, because I was the too-smart girl with the frizzy hair. I show my seventh grade picture to my students sometimes and they usually moan and put their heads down on their desks.

miss. chief said...

know what i had when i was a kid? HEADGEAR. like, that thing that goes around the back of your head with that "comfortable" brown strap, and then this metal thing goes around your face and hooks painfully into little bands of metal that they shoved around your molars, and it's designed to kill an overbite by smushing your face pretty much. and i'm pretty sure we just "borrowed" it fromt the orthodontist.
AND i had the same glasses but they were red and people would compare me to sally jesse raphael, and instead of going out for recess i would sit at my desk quietly and read choose your own adventure books that were advanced for my age. thanks a lot for bringing that up.

Dr Zibbs said...

Excellent!!

TMC said...

If it makes you feel any better, I gave you one of those goofy awards over on my blog. But just for the record, I don't consider you to be lovely because hell, if you're still spinning over being teased in jr. high I hardly want to be responsible for whatever kind of trauma you'll suffer from being called lovely. Just think of it this way: "lovely" = "you make me laugh out loud." :)

Kurt said...

@Janine: I would copyright my look, but I think "hobo"is already taken.

@Kristine: I wasn't. But that's okay, I got better

@erin: Hooray for nuisances!

@Miss Yvonne: Vic 20. Commodore 64 was to L33t for me.

@Mona: Exploding panties are my signature move besides tripping over lamp cords.

@Anna Russell: She was a good looking dog, for sure. Perv.

@SMU, Kid: I like the part where he humps Pussy Galore in the airplane. Oh wait. That was something else.

@Scandy: Hahahaha.

@Carolyn: If by "revenge" you mean "unresolved anger issues" than yeah...I got revenge like a motherfucker.

@Captain D: Melinda Gates is the new Lambda Lambda Lambda.

@Prosy: It's really me. You can practically hear my Mom in the background yelling for me to clear out because she's expecting a john.

@Vic: Thanks Vic. I knew the dog wasn't my only friend.

@miss.chief: Hubba-hubba.

@Dr. Zibbs: Wait..what?

@TMC: Thanks for the award. i'm not so sure I'm lovely though. Unless you mean the "savage" definition of lovely, because I'm totally that.

Peggy said...

I loved that movie! Sorry for you! Must've seen it 10 times on 80's cable!

It had that kickass ARE YOU READY FOR THE SEX GIRLS song...comon...admit it...you sort of liked it!

Lana said...

wasn't wormser the one who ended up dancing with the chick with the huge boobies?

Sunday's Pearl said...

I lived through the 80s and can not for the life of me remember Madonna NOT being a whore. What am I missing?

Mandy's Kidding said...

I'm uncomfortable that all these bloggers are coming out and admitting that they were geeky looking freaks in junior high school / high school.

Bella said...

i would love it if you would just for one second TRY and be funnier...just so i could see you fail....because it's impossible. i'm also gonna try really hard to be better at grammar.

Marla said...

I can so relate to this post. In between running away from bullies I was trying to be all cool and dress like the pre-whore Madonna and being ridiculed for it. Also my junior prom date left with someone one else, so my DAD only had to pick me up.