Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Still Hate Eels.

I've reached a "tipping point" and that is totally some pseudo-psychology term that means something and you can probably find out about it in a self-help book that I haven't read because really how can you help anyone this brilliant? You could say "I'm sure you know that you are a genius, but I'll tell you anyway(s)." but then I'd be all " Chuh!" which looks weird when I type it and maybe you're thinking I was sneezing, but I totally wasn't. I was being dismissive. Which is like sneezing without covering your mouth, as far as not being an asshole goes.

Okay, so my tipping point is that I can no longer clean my house by hiding things under other things and this is a great disappointment to me, because that's really a lot less work than actual cleaning but I'm getting to a point where soon all my possessions will just be in two monolithic piles in my living room. And I don't even know what would happen if you tried to make two monoliths next to one another, because by definition there can be only one, so it's pretty much Highlander in my living room, and in one pile is porn, and cds, and DVDs, and lotions, and nail clippings, and a sports bra, and in the other there is porn, and unpaid bills, and the remnants of a pillow fort, and a bunch of sandwich crusts. And the first monolith to cut off the head of the other one will gain all it's power and that was pretty much the coolest movie ever, because it's not very often you have Sean Connery getting decapitated in movies anymore. Also I think there were boobies, but I could be mistaken.  In my mind there are always boobies. I'm pretty sure there was a close-up of a just-showered nipple in Bambi. It's like my fatal flaw that I always think there were boobies.  One day a super-villian will have me tied up with ropes and a giant magnifying glass will be about to burn me up with the sun's deadly rays and he'll be all " Hahahaha! You can escape if you just tell me what was in the other room back there." and I'll be all "Boobies?" and then he'll laugh and fly away on a jetpack and I'll be left to my own devices to secure my own escape. Which I will, of course, but that's hardly the point.

I just looked up and realized I was still typing that whole time and not just thinking. So that last paragraph pretty much just won me a Pulitzer. Even I don't know what I'm talking about. At least it came back to breasts. That's my comfort zone. 

Anyway(s), now I have to go through and sort out all my piles of stuff and I have to lift things and hope nothing too gross is underneath and I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I'm at least 50% sure that I'm going to lift a Calvin And Hobbes Anthology and eels are going to come pouring out of a juice glass I forgot about and bite me in my face. And it's not like I would knowingly let eels into my house, but those fuckers are wily and maybe one of the kids answered the door and thought "That's a cute snake! Look! It's smiling at me!" and let it in and then POW! Eels. In my unwashed juice glasses that smell like a martini that's gone over to the dark side, and in my dirty laundry that smells just a little too much like a night of sex and debauchery which would be impossible without using a time machine or a very strong imagination, so pretty much the laundry is just gross and I'm pretending it smells like sex when really it just smells like feet and ketchup stains. And now eels.

Debauchery is an awesome word. I need to start using it more. Like at the grocery store I could be all "I want to buy a box of debauchery, where should I look?" and then the stupid kid in the smock will be all "Huh?" and then I'll get all up in his grill and yell "Quid Pro Quo?!" and then flash a gang sign and run away.  I like leaving people with a story to tell.

He looks like he's telling a hilarious joke, or maybe singing "Happy Birthday" but really he's about to bite the fuck out of someone.  Eels are an asshole.

25 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

Your mom was with an Eel last night.

Dana's Brain said...

Maybe the eels just want to get in on the Highlander action? Kind of hard for them to wield swords though. (TWSS!)

razorsandvines said...

My daughter shares the same philosophy about cleaning. I'm cool with it too. I only care that I can open her door and it doesn't resemble a scene from some bad sitcom where everything falls out and it requires a trip to the hospital for one of us.

She has reached her under-the-bed and stuffed-in-the-closet capacity after all these years though. I suspect a bonfire is in her future.

And for the record, eels are ugly and can't be trusted.

Maelstrom said...

You know, I'm thinking that THAT particular eel isn't one of the bad ones. He's probably sad that you're stereotyping him and even though he'd like to show you he's just a cool motherfucker, he'd probably bite you just because you're speciesist.

razorsandvines said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
razorsandvines said...

I've been going back and pouring through your old entries just to catch up and I knew you had to be from Upstate New York from some of the things you've said.

So am I.

The most glaring thing is you calling your son, "boy" - Well, that and finally reading your bio where it says you're from here.

I've been referring to my kids as "the boy/boy" and the "girl child" since they were born.

Come to find out that's offensive to just about everyone that lives in a southern state.

Who knew...

Not that it's going to change anything, but it's good to know.Oh, and I went to RIT too.

Kristine said...

Listen, this looks like a really long post, so I just scrolled to look at the picture...

Wait, just skimmed. You always catch me with shit like "quid pro quo" and "Bambi."

You SHOULD get the Pulitzer because I wasn't even going to READ this post! I'll start a letter-writing campaign or something. (No, I won't. Sorry.)

Kurt said...

@Trodo: My does "the Eel" every night. I'd get into it but it's so disgusting your head just exploded from me almost writing about it.

@Dana's Brain: Fuck Eels. The end.

@Razors: Your daughter and my daughter must be in some kind of club.

@Maelstrom: That's what it wants you to believe. The eel is the Father of all Lies.

@Razors: I didn't GO to RIT...I just drank there. A lot.

@Kristine: Thanks for skimming! I'm glad i was able to trick you into reading. Mwa.Ha.Ha.Ha.

Nikki said...

I sent that eel to your house... Feed him old taco meat and you'll be fine.

razorsandvines said...

I got that!
I did the same...laughs

Mona Lott said...

It's totally mean and unacceptable to make me all laughy and unassuming and then *BAM* crazy evil eel picture.

NotKat said...

Apropos of nothing:

I went on exactly one date with the guy who wrote Highlander.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: I thought it was you I tried a burrito but he doesn't like black beans.

@Mona: You love the evileel. That's code for "cock"

@NotKat: I went through exactly one second of being impressed. :)

Char said...

eels are total assholes - but face it, if we looked like eels, we would be assholes too

Vic said...

It's good that the nipple in Bambi was a clean nipple. That's how they kept the 'G' rating, I think.

I want to pat that eel on the head. Is that wrong?

Soda and Candy said...

Jesus Christ, you could have warned us about the eel picture.

Nikki said...

I left you an award on my page. Go get it. NOW!

Walter said...

He really does look like a happy, funny snake. But no, eels are evil, evil ocean dwellers.
And I think I have the same boob-related achilles heel. A boob achilles heel. A boob heel.

Miss Yvonne said...

I heard that eels lay their eggs in Pop-Tarts. So what I'm saying here is that you are screwed, my friend. It's eel city for you.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahaha! It's true.

But we never call it THAT!

Mr Farty said...

Eel, schmeel. (Is schmeel a word? It is now.) That's totally a sock puppet and you know it. I think it's saying "gottle of geer".

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You are the first ever Latin gang member. Not Latino, Latin. You say things like, "You go, Puella!!" and "Caveat emptor, motherfuckers!!"

You're so malus ass.

Pop and Ice said...

Highlander? Someone else besides my husband likes or owns Highlander?! That is the lamest piece of cinamatography ever made. My esteem for you has plummeted. Not that you'd notice with all that crap piled in your living room!

Harna said...

Eels are dicks. I have nightmares about the electric ones wrapping themselves around me and zapping me to death...then biting the fuck out of me.

Pina said...

I remenber a time you did a pretty good eel impressiom