Friday, May 22, 2009

Hattori is Sick of Me

Me: C'mon! Hurry up! Think!
Hattori Hanzo: I don't work well under pressure. Just give me a minute.
Me: (*hopping*) C'monC'monC'monCmon!
Hattori Hanzo: What are you 12?
Me: We have to post SOMETHING! Otherwise...
Hattori Hanzo: What? We won't be on vacation anymore?
Me: I know. I'm ridiculous.
Hattori Hanzo: Why not just...you know... not write ANYTHING?
Me: Beyoncé is really prententious to have that "e" with the squiggle.
Hattori Hanzo: You're stretching.
Me: Seriously. What's up with that? That é doesn't make her french or anything. It's not like I need to wear a monocle and a tophat to listen to her. It's Effing Destiny's Child.
Hattori Hanzo: This is just pathetic. Just go back to the couch and take another nap.
Me: And how come woman don't think it's weird to pay a doctor to fingerbang them?
Hattori Hanzo: Seriously. Just stop.  It's okay...the people who read you will still be there when you get back.
Me: Hey watch! I can do a cartwheel!
Hattori Hanzo: No! Stop being an attention whore. Naptime.
Me: (*half cartwheels into wall*)
Hattori Hanzo: Well I hope your happy. That was your Mom's favorite Precious Moments© statuette.
Me: I had a Precious Moment with your Mom last night. 
Hattori Hanzo:(*shakes head*)
Me: When I fucked her.  Get it?
Hattori Hanzo: I really wish I was more than a literary construct. I would dump you in a heartbeat.
Me: Hold me.

11 comments:

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahhahha!

PS- I DO think it's weird to pay a Dr to... What you said. I don't like it. He should pay ME!

Anna Russell said...

We have a National Health Service here so we don't even pay doctor's to finger bang us, we let them do it for free.

Hi HH! *flutters eyelashes*

Char said...

if I was paying i would get more pleasure out of it

miss. chief said...

fingerbanging it's not. more like cervix scraping.

Walter said...

Just so I'm the only person to not comment on doctors fingerbanging ladies and pretending it's "science," what is up with Beyonces name? But if anyone is going to have a pretentious and fake name, it'd be her.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When you cartwheeled into the wall, I got all little-sistery competitive with you because I'm super good at cartwheeling into walls and then sticking there in a handstand. Kurt! Kurt! Watch me! Watch me! Watch! Watch! Watch! Watch! Are you watching? Watch! You're not watching! Kay, ready? Watch! *cartwheels into wall, holds it in a handstand, collapses* Waitwaitwait. I messed up. Do over. Are you watching??...

*sigh* Yeah. Coffee.

Kurt said...

@Mona: I know. i have to pay for the hidden camera footage. It seems only fair they not double dip...as it were.

@Anna: Hattori keeps walking up behind me to see if you've commented yet, and then once you do he blushes and runs away.

@Char: That makes sense. Freebies feel like charity. And no one wants that. Except every man on the planet. But besides them...

@miss.chief: I'm sorry my romantic language was inaccurate. Yours was WAY hotter.

@Walter: You're such a gentleman. I feel dirty now.

@SMU, Kid: Hahahaha! I'm totally trying to read a comic book whilst you repeatedly bang off the wall, and I'm all eye-rolls and exasperated sighs. But I still say "I'm WATCHING, for Christ's sake!" so you don't get discouraged.

Vic said...

But when do we get an update on how the coffee-wicking robe tie worked? I'm thinking of trying it myself, and I need some pointers.

Is a "half-cartwheel" a roundoff? Does the robe fly up, or does the momentum help keep it in place?

Peggy said...

I was in a shitty mood until I read this. I giggled. Now I'm in a shitty mood again.

razorsandvines said...

That made me laugh right out loud!

Betsey Booms said...

So I know someone who doesn't even know what fingerbang means and now? Now I have a shirt with my own face and the word fingerbanging right underneath it.

So that's how I pay the doctor. In fingerbanging t-shirts.