Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Getting Dumb and Hyphy and Other Stuff I Don't Understand

Because my brain hates me, it told me this morning to "Get Hyphy" and I'm not even sure what that means but I think I've heard it before somewhere and it's funny sounding so maybe on some level I registered something cool and modern and I don't have to keep telling people to "get jiggy wit it" and then they look at me like I'm "special". And I don't mean "special" like I know some cool magic tricks or I can walk on my hands or I can Jai-ho dance without knocking over any lamps. I mean the other kind that is sadder and much more offensive.

So I look up "get hyphy" on the internet because that is what not-quite 40 year old men do when things confuse them, they look them up online because that way if you can't find what you are looking for you can just go find some squirt porn or something. Win/win. And I find this very helpful article titled "How to Get Hyphy" and it's on eHow so now my "probably written by someone white" alarm is going off and the level of difficulty of the instructions is listed as "moderate", so maybe getting hyphy isn't as easy as I thought.

The first step to get hyphy is "Get the Music" so I go and listen to a bunch of E-40 and The Federation , but I'm still not feeling very hyphy and also I'm still not sure what that means so now I know why the instructions are moderate. And then it says I have to "speak the lingo" but I have to look up all the definitions on Urban Dictionary so that totally torpedoes my street cred, yo. And then there's stuff about "stewy" dance moves and "ghost riding the whip" and I'm totally over my head. So I go to wikipedia and look it up, realizing that I have now given up all hopes of street cred because the most white thing that ever happened was me going to wikipedia to find out about outdated urban culture from the West Coast. It's so white that the Queen of England called me up and asked me to quit being such a punk-ass, yo.

So I decide maybe getting hyphy is more work than I'm up for and then I look at the date of the article and it's 2007 so that explains why I'm thinking about it, because the deadline for coolness has expired and the modern youth culture is on to something even weirder now probably and I'm stuck picking through the pop culture dumpster hoping to find a half-eaten banana or an expired Hostess Fruit Pie of Hip-hoppiness. My only solace comes from the wikipedia entry that says:

"An individual is said to "get hyphy" when they act or dance in an overstated, fast paced, and ridiculous manner. Those who consider themselves part of the Hyphy movement would describe this behavior as "getting stupid" or "going dumb." "

I act in an overstated, fast paced and ridiculous manner pretty much all the time so that means I was Getting Hyphy since third grade when I got in a fight with this kid Scott because he borrowed my matchbox car for too long so I attacked him by grabbing my windbreaker and spinning around really fast like a tornado and the zipper from the windbreaker caught him in the cheek and he started crying and bleeding and then I took the car back and walked away and later got in big trouble for zipper-whipping. I've been "getting stupid" my whole life is my point.

Street cred back through the roof, Yo!

14 comments:

Kristine said...

Hahaha. Zipper whipping. Did you invent that accidentally? Wait, don't tell me...it'll ruin the moment. I'm kinda laughing at that bleeding, crying kid, the Mom in me telling him to ball up and get off it already. Poor bastard.

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. Everyone knows you have to learn how to get Crunk before you can get Hyphy. *shakes head*

(I may have made that up though because these are the things that I hate about my beloved hip hop and make people look at me funny when I tell them I'm a hip hop fan).

Whatever happened to just doing the Hammer dance?

Char said...

can I just get jiggy instead. I know that dance already.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Being a white spazz totally turned into a craze. I'm sooooo gonna call my friend Face and find out if he's ever gotten Hyphy now... Because... He's really the sort of dude who should be laughed at for his coolness.

Scandalous Housewife said...

As a gangsta housewife, I can tell you the number of "Yo's" in your post give you may-juh pimpin' street cred, yo!

Peggy said...

zipper whipping is dirty fighting little kurt!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I feel so old now. Is hyphy like getting hypey, like short for hyper? I get my hypey on every day, yo!

That's a very informative link. On the sidebar on that page was a link to find out "How not to get prengent", with words of wisdom such as

"use a condom when ****in a male"
and
"never say no to condoms they effective"

You know all the best websites, Kurt. Once again, thanks.

Vic said...

"Jai-ho dance without knocking over any lamps"

I think traditionally, Jai-ho dancing requires knocking over lamps. It appeases the gods.

Soda and Candy said...

Word.

miss. chief said...

na na na na na na na
na na na na na na
gettin' jiggy wit it

mo.stoneskin said...

Zipper-whipping. Crumbs, I'll have to look that up in the Urban Dictionary...

Captain Dumbass said...

Was the windbreaker the type that could be stuffed into its own little pocket that came with a cool little belt you could wear around your waist? Was it? Was it?

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh my god, windbreakers! I had a yellow one and it was awesome.

Also your mom got in big trouble for zipper-whipping.

Jillian said...

Kurt, I'm much to old for your newfangled terminology.