Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Err...Your Guess is As Good As Mine

The Hillbilly next door was being super helpful this morning, because he was making an ungodly racket at 6am, and at first I thought maybe he was trying to stuff one of his ducks, from his box of ducks, through the mail slot, because whatever he was doing was making a very duck-like "err-Ra!" sound but then I realized it was metal being bent, not ducks being posted, so I had to call the SPCA back and tell them to cancel the SWAT team or whatever they were sending. And then they told me I never called in the first place, so thanks a lot, Hallucinogens. I really think getting some of these street drugs through the FDA might be a good idea, and maybe you think I mean crank,or huff, or meth, or whitchow or whatever* but I don't. I mean the industrial cleaners the street sweeper uses. That stuff is awesome. You put it in a dry cleaning bag and then tie it over your head and it's like a race to see if you get high or die first. So far "high" has always won, but according to how much I've crapped my pants it's been close a few times.**

Also, upon reading this back I wonder what a "godly" racket is. Because I know all the ungodly ones sound like the Hillbilly starting to hit things with other things and swearing profusely at things, and smoking under my open window which isn't loud but is definitely ungodly because Jesus never smoked,  and being tattooed, but not the good kind that looks all rad and sexy, the bad kind like you would show off right before you got shanked in prison because you did it yourself, and sure maybe you spelled "boobs" like " bewbs!" but that's okay because the guy stabbing you with a sharpened spoon can't really read so good anyway(s). And really he is your target audience.

I was just consulting the ultimate reference source on ducks*** and what the noises they make  mean and it turns out "err-Ra!" is Duck Spanish for "I'm looking for a place to live that has an appropriate amount of both water and shore-side high grasses and isn't a box."  And you may ask yourself "I wonder what 'Duck Spanish' is?" and to that I say, stop talking to yourself because only crazy people or very very handsome people do that. So I'll tell you about Duck Spanish.

The Boy once surmised that since all animals spoke, but it was a language he didn't understand than they must all be derivatives of Spanish which is another language he doesn't understand.  And that's not because he's a racist, it's because he hates Dora the Explorer and even Diego can pretty much get fucked as far as The Boy is concerned, so he never learned Spanish. So cats speak Cat Spanish and dogs speak Dog Spanish, and ducks speak "Duck Spanish". Oddly enough, emus speak Latin. But that's because they are The Boy's nemeses. We took him to the zoo once when he was four and he got one look at those giant flightles birds and his eyes turned to slits and he scowled deeply and said "Stinking Emus!". No one knows why.  It's probably best not to ask. 

This post was written under the influence of "What the fuck?" apparently. No wait...it's random Tuesday I think, so I totally meant to be obtuse.  Who's the genius now? (Hint:Me.)

*I don't know the names of many actual street drugs so I just like to make them up and then when someone looks at me all confused, I just shrug at them like they aren't cool and walk away. It's how I "Just Say No". I think "Whitchow!" is an awesome name for a drug because that is the sound a ricochet makes in comic books. And maybe there's a cool metaphor for what the drug does to you in that name, but I can't think of it because I'm too whacked on street cleaner fumes.

** I do not endorse this behavior. Crapping your pants is gross.

*** from "Ultimate Reference Source on Ducks" by Hattori Hanzo, or some shit I just made up.


Mona Lott said...

I'm with TB on the Dora issue, and fuck her whole cartoon family while we're at it! That backpack can suck a dick too.

I think a "godly racket" must be the cacophony of church bells and poor singing on Sunday Mornings.

razorsandvines said...

You are absolutely hilarious and I love the way you write. I'm adding your site to my journal.

Char said...

yep yep

Vic said...

The image of someone feeding a duck through a mail slot will carry me through today on a wave of joy and also the Nyquil I'm on will help too.


Soda and Candy said...

Emus are evil. They will kick you and peck your eyes out as sooon as look at you.

Stinkin' emus.

Also, it's pronounced eem-you, not e-moo. That's right, I heard your typing mispronouncing it.

miss. chief said...

i pronounce "boobs" like "bewbs", so i'm pretty much a criminal.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

This was hilarious. And crapping your pants IS gross. Even grosser than accidentally crapping in the shower. Whoopsie!

Miss Yvonne said...

I feel like I need to take some kind of ADD drug after reading this post.

Also, I spent a few minutes trying to remember what an emus is, and then I realized you're talking about an emu in the plural form and not some strange animal with a name pronounced "eeeemus".

Yep, I'm a genius.

Frankenfinger said...

oDay ethay igsPay owknay aboutway esethay Emuway?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Donde esta la biblioquacka?


Yeah. I know the drill.

*punches self in the face*

Kurt said...

@Mona: You just hate Spaniards.

@Razors: I appreciate the lowering of your standards!

@Char: I have no idea what you're agreeing with, but pretty much all of it is troubling.

@Vic: If I had had to give Nyquil a street name it would be: Dozey Juice.

@Soda: Emus are not fundamentally evil, they are just raised in bad circumstances. The vast Emu ghettos are a blight on society. Nature vs. Nurture.

@miss.chief: A FOXY criminal.

@Nate's Mom: That's like when a sneeze goes REALLY wrong.

@Miss Yvonne: I'm like Quentin Tarantino on Cocaine. Only less interesting and markedly more attractive.

@Frankenfinger: I don't speak jerk spanish.

@SMU, Kid: I'm glad I didn't have to do it. Your face is too pretty to hit. More, I mean.

Pearl said...

As someone who HAS done drugs, I can tell you the Whitchow! really rocks. Does just what it sounds like it does.

I'm enjoying the idea that your son thinks animals speak Spanish because he can't understand it. I once had a friend, a rather virulent vegetarian, whose son was sure that lightning was made of meat...


Soda and Candy said...

Pah, those emus brought it on themselves. Emu-on-emu violence is a serious problem.

Frankenfinger said...

It was Pig Latin... Emus speak latin...get it? It was just a joke, man.

Captain Dumbass said...

I like that The Boy has a nemesis. I think everybody needs one.

Kurt said...

@frankenfinger: I know, Man. I get jokes. Sorry. :)

@Cap'n D.:Everyone does need one and a half nemeses, but halves are hard to come by. (That's what She Said!)

Jocelyn said...

In STAR WARS comics, droid bullets make a "Bdew, Bdew, Bdew" sound, and I'm pretty sure your eyes would roll around in your head if you put a Bdew on a spoon, lit a flame under it, and then injected it.

Just sayin'.

The Jules said...

Whitchow! has been decriminalised in the UK, although is you have over 5 cubic furlongs of it, they'll do you for posession with intent to supply.

Best to stick with reindeer piss.