Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Cool Thing About the Internet is That This Can Exist and No One Can Stop Me

For whatever reason the second thought I had this morning was "Is Anna Kournikova still playing tennis? Because she was never really the superstar everyone made her out to be." And then I looked it up on wikipedia and found out that she likes the movie Pretty Woman and that her favorite TV show is Desperate Housewives and that she enjoys the music of Enrique Iglasias, which I didn't think was even a remote possibility for anyone. And it turns out she never has ranked higher than 8th in singles tennis, but was rated #1 in doubles for a while but then the article was all tennis talk about matched singles and 30-Love or something, and then I saw this cool picture of an ostrich in a Zoobook©, so I stopped caring.

But the point is, I'm pretty much a time machine, because I had no idea she had stopped competing in professional tennis in 2003 and it's weird that I would wake up this morning and she would be my second thought and it wasn't even a "I sure would like to [Fuck] her" thought...wait...I did that wrong I'm supposed to put a code word in the brackets not the actual swear, because then I'm drawing attention to it instead of trying to hide it from your virginal eyes and I'm not even sure "virginal" is a word but I refuse to look it up because I have Diplomatic Immunity!! So maybe I'll go back and put a [diddle] in the brackets instead* or maybe an {expletive deleted} with curly brackets because those seem fancier, or maybe I just won't bother at all because Hey Look! Knight Rider Reruns!

The first thing I thought of this morning is super-secret, and maybe if I told you a S.W.A.T team would bust through my ceiling and use those super cool, heavy-duty zip-tie things on me  and they wouldn't even care that they were breaking my collection of rare (but Stolen!) Faberge Eggs and I would have to ask them to "Do be careful?" because suddenly I'm British and maybe Lara Croft without the cans. And also I break free of the zip-ties and say something witty about it like "Time to take out the trash." You know...because they're like garbage bag ties...and then I'm a whirlwind of Jai-Ho kicks and Windmill arms and withering looks and poisonous sarcasm and then they are all dead or have broken legs and are crawling around on the floor and moaning and their buddies are picking them up under the arms and carrying them like it's Vietnam in my living room or something and I just kinda go "Pffft." and laugh dismissively because they should know that when you mess with the bull you get the horns and I still never divulged the secret of what my first thought was this morning so I'm pretty much a national treasure. 

And if you think it rhymes with "Foobies" than you are totally wrong. So Ha! (*looks around*)



*Your Mom Puts a diddle in the brackets. Twss.

17 comments:

Kristine said...

So are you wearing the Lara Croft short shorts and bra-shirt, too?

Windmill arms gets me every time.

Oh, and NICE AWARD OVER THERE.

Frankenfinger said...

Was your super-secret thought about Ren and Stimpy when Stimpy had on a bikini and the bully side of your brain was like, "You got morning wood thinking about Stimpy! FAG!"
And the underdeveloped probably a late bloomer but should have pubs any day now side was all, "No! I was thinking about... a... Anna Kournikova... Fucker!"

Anna Russell said...

If you tried to {diddle} Anna Kuornikova and she started Jai Hoing and doing windmill arms, would go have to go Lara Croft on her {tushy}?

Janine said...

I was distracted by that ostrich too.

Mona Lott said...

So... What I learned here today is that Anna Kournikova is pretty much the John McEnroe of bad taste... And or pedophilia.

Lindsay Champion said...

Well, she was in those Canon Powershot commercials a little while ago.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

miss. chief said...

why oh why do you always make me laugh so much out loud? it's weird to laugh out loud when you are alone in a room. i might as well just talk to myself.

Miss Yvonne said...

I bet your first thought when you woke up was about Pop Tarts, but you don't want to say because you are all about being mysterious.

Nikki said...

Can I borrow your meds? Just a couple doses and I should be good.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: I'm sorry about the award. I thought you were kidding because you didn't actually link me or mention me in your post. Plus you called my blog ugly (which it is) and that hurt it's feelings.

@frankenfinger: Stimpy WAS the hot one. That's all I'm sayin'.

@Anna Russell: I wouldn't try to {hump} her because she's "Look at me! I used to play tennis! Turn on Desperate Housewives!". I hate that show.

@Janine: All Ratites (including the elusive Kiwi!) give me pause.

@Mona: John McEnroe tastes delicious. I heard. From some other guy. Who I don't even know. Okay it was me. He's salty and sweet! Like chocolate-covered pretzels!

@Lindsay: Yeah...I don't think that counts as an overall victory.

@miss.chief: I do it because I care.

@Miss Yvonne: I admit it. My first thought was about your mom. Our love can be kept secret no more!! (Cue Passion music...no, no not Passion of the Christ!!...there goes MY boner.)

@Nikki:HAHAHAHA! Like I take meds. I'm sick of being hassled by the Man. And 3 or 4 psychiatrists...one of which totally went to a state school... so Pffft! What does he even know.

Captain Dumbass said...

Anna Kournikova and Lara Croft...

Thanksk, Kurt. You're the best.

Char said...

did you play "get your freak on"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ahem. Is this mic on? Can you hear me? *tap tap*

And the award for funniest comment back of the day goes to Kurt, for that Passion of the Christ boner bit back there. *places "medal" around your neck, which is actually just a mini-bagel strung on a necklace of dental floss, which is all I had on hand but which you are really excited about anyways because it means that now you can finally fall asleep with food in your mouth and it'll still be there when you wake up.*

elohssanatahw said...

I'm hoping that your "first thought" and the "Zoobook" lacked any stimulating connection.

Soda and Candy said...

She had to say she liked his music, because she was banging him. Just thought you should know.

Peggy said...

After you took out the SWAT team it would've been nice if you cracked a beer, plopped down on the couch and flipped on The Price Is Right...I feel deflated.

Your first thought was most definitely BACOS!

Jeanne said...

This is my first visit. If and when I recover from the effects, I'll be back.