Friday, May 29, 2009

Celebrate Good Times

So this is my 200th post since I got here and while I don't think that qualifies me as super-human it definitely means I am pretty goddamn impressive. A great author once wrote "If she's stacked go for it" and I think we can all agree that those are timeless word of wisdom and also that whoever said it was probably a genius. It's not relevant to my 200th post, but at least I had Pop-Tarts© for breakfast, so there's that.

I guess the thing I'm supposed to do is look back and reflect at all my time here on The Monster Apathy with a wistful look in my eye. Remembering the early days when I was still doing something I'm not doing anymore, and Wow! have I grown as an author and look how impressive this all is. But then I realized that I'm pretty much churning out the same stuff I was back then only now more people read it, so it's not me that's changed or grown or learned anything it's you. You've all come such a long way since you started and your decision to read this blog is quite a testament to both your character and your intestinal fortitude and for that I give you a hearty "Huzzah!" except I'm not sure what that means and it makes me want a Blizzard© from Dairy Queen for some reason so I'm going to go do that, whilst you all hang around and talk about how cool you all are now. 

The other thing I'm supposed to do is thank you for reading for this whole time but really I've just improved your lives, so I think I'll thank myself instead. I'm doing it in letter form because I love getting mail and I rarely get any that doesn't involve threatening language and a lot of legalese about "cease and desist" and minimum distances I can be from certain school yards or people who have a super big mouth and are totally stuck up, so this will be a nice change of pace.

Dear Handsome,

Way to trick people into reading your crap for 200 times. You must feel awesome. Like you've pulled off some elaborate heist. Well let me be the first to tell you that if you were in the Great Muppet Caper you'd be Lew Zealand, the goofy clown-looking one who throws the exploding fish and not anybody cool like Gonzo or Charles Grodin. And also I think you have a library book that is way overdue, and if you haven't learned how to set people on fire with your mind  by this point you probably never will, so there's no point in staring at the landlord, whilst he drives around on his riding lawn mower and thinking of Jalapeno dunkers, because that's just not even working a little. Also, maybe it's time to change out your toothbrush, because it now looks like your brushing your teeth with an albino caterpillar and the bristles are so soft that if you switched up and started brushing your teeth with a kitten you'd get more scouring power. Anyway(s)... way to be a dipshit 200 times. I think they're probably still buying it, because as long as you don't cost anything you're only wasting their time. Huzzah!

Hugs not Drugs,
Hattori Hanzo, The Voice in Your Head 

ps: I fucked your mom last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
pps: You can start calling me "My New Dad in My Head" if it makes you more comfortable.


That didn't go as planned at all. I'm such an asshole.

25 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Brushing your teeth with a kitten is tricky. You have to thread that coat hanger through the tail and up into the chest cavity in order to create a rigid handle, then you have to strap a vibrator to its chest if you're going to get that electric toothbrush effect. Last, sew your actual toothbrush onto its back and you're good to go.

KYUT!! Iz helps kleen the teefs!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Also, happy 200!

also, *checks around timidly*......fist?

That Baldy Fella said...

Spooky. Yesterday was my 200th post on here too. And you mentioned The Great Muppet Caper which is the second greatest Muppet film ever.

Maybe you're really me although that would make Hattori Hanzo the voice inside the voice inside my head and now my head hurts which means your head and Hattori's heads both hurt now too so sorry about that.

razorsandvines said...

laughsAdd another faithful follow to your considerable list.


I feel my life improving already...

razorsandvines said...

Now if I could only get my *(&$#*^%# comments to format correctly...

Lana said...

my intestinal fortitude has been ever so impressive since i started reading your blog, i tell everyone my secret and that's probably why you have so many other readers.

happy 200! (does that make you older?)

Kristine said...

So proud, Kurt. If this were the corporate world, you'd be getting pinned at the ceremony (HA!)

Also, paid.

erin said...

I was wondering who my mom was fucking last night when she called and moaned into the phone for twenty minutes. Good Job Dude, I think she needed that.

Carolyn...Online said...

Who are you kidding - that totally went as you planned.

Miss Yvonne said...

I was going to say something clever about fucking my mom, but erin beat me to it. I just can't top that.

Your mom topped that.

Also, happy 200th, asshole! I say that with love. I kid because I care. Only you can stop forest fires.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: You always have the best plans and I was going to say that you also always have access to a vibrator but I didn't want you to come off like some clit-monkey. So I just won't say that part. Also, I said "come".

@Also SMU, Kid: You were totally fist.

@Baldy: Hattori goes great with any head. He's like the cocktail wiener of mental illness.

@Razors: Your life is totally improving. Italics fixes everything.

@Lana: I appreciate your intestines and that sounds mildly dirty.

@Kristine: I totally need to get pinned. And I don't mean with a pin! I mean by a vagina! Am I right? High five!

@erin: Now we're in that weird place where I have to decide whether or not to extend the "fucking your mom" joke or just say "That's what she said."

Your mom is nice... and filthy!

@Carolyn: Not you, Apparently.

@Miss Yvonne: I like when people call me "Asshole" with love. Then I sing "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band and I'm all "Some call me the Asshole with love!" So I just serenaded your ass. That'll be 10 bucks. Because Knowing is half the battle.

Walter said...

Congrats on 200! That's a ton. That's like 100 more than 100. Sweet.

Nikki said...

I was going to congratulate you but it didn't seem right. It would have felt like being touched by a priest and that's never really any fun so... Happy Birthday!

Mona Lott said...

I can attest to the fact that life is better with you. I had you (*snicker* that's dirty) and then you were GONE!!!! (just like all the rest, boo hoo). There was a chasm filled with darkness (that makes it sound like I was bangin Charlie Murphy. *pictures it* Rawr), emptiness, a woeful lack of funny. But then using the very same ninja skills YOU taught me, I found you once again. And thank Kip, there was laughter once again.

Huzzah for everyone!

Kurt said...

@Walter: Slow down there Mr. Wizard. You say 100 plus 100 is...

@Nikki: That comment is so obtuse, I'm just going to smile and back slowly away. :)

@Mona: Aw. It's so good to have you back, Mona. That other place was harshing my mellow though. I'm glad you're here now.

ps: I don't know if I'm too old to say "harshing my mellow" or not.

Belle said...

Dear Handsome
I love you, but I think I love Hattori more.
From
Someone's mom

Soda and Candy said...

Dairy Queen Blizzards seem like a good idea, but then they give you dysentery.

Char said...

hummmmmmming white noise.....

happy 200th

Vic said...

I, for one, am way cooler than I used to be, and also full of Pop Tarts, so thanks for that Kurt.

My mother would give you disapproving eyebrows and send you to your room if you tried anything.

(Hi, Hattori!!! *flirty eyelash flutter*)

Kurt said...

@Belle: Shoulda been "Everyone's Mom".

@Soda: Dysentery has a nice slim effect...too bad you don't get to enjoy it for very long.

@Char: That's what I've become to you isn't it? White noise. Readers beware...it can happen to you.

@Vic: You are so cool Snow Bears try to ride you out into the ocean for better fishing. Your mother scares me. so "word" to her. (*slide whistle, Softshoe dance*)

Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

Captain Dumbass said...

Dear Kurt, thank you for improving my life.

HappyHourSue said...

There is only one word that comes to mind when I think of you as a blogger (many other, less seemly words when it comes to a male specimen - but we'll go there another time).....

and that is "prolific". You are like the Stephen King - nay, the Ryan Seacrest - of blogging. How you come up with something brilliant on a daily or bi-daily (?) basis is beyond me.

I'm sitting here all ;"toothpaste.......nah. Frosted Mini wheats.....nah......jennifer Love Hewitt....nah...."

You, my friend, have a gift.

Maggie May said...

hey dad in the head? you forgot your meds again.

The Jules said...

200!

Orsum!

People don't get enough letters from the voices in their heads.

sexy said...

成人漫畫,成人文學,成人遊戲,成人電影,成人論壇,成人,做愛,aio,情色小說,ut聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,哈啦聊天室,視訊聊天,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,6k聊天室,視訊聊天室,成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉,伊莉討論區,伊莉論壇,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片