Monday, May 11, 2009

Bronson Pinchot is Not Working to his Potential and I Totally Relate

I was thinking about how 20 years ago at about this time I was getting ready to graduate High School with an awesome 2.0 GPA and my whole life was stretched about before me and no that's not even a little depressing because if I could have known how famous and handsome I would end up being I would have been much cockier than I was, so basically I was a humble genius and that's the best kind, because arrogant geniuses go on to invent horrible weapons of mass destruction with little thought to their applications and they have crazy men living in their closets and... 

Wait...no...I'm just remembering the plot to Real Genius, so I'm pretty much way off track once again.

All this talk about 20 years ago and geniuses naturally made me think of Bronson Pinchot. I don't know. Don't look at me like that. I'm not driving this brain. It's like that drunk friend who sits in the passenger seat and starts fucking around with the radio and you're all "Knock it off, Brain!" but it just laughs and burps real loud and then grabs the steering wheel unexpectedly and you swerve all over the road and wonder why the hell you are even friends with this asshole anyway(s) and then you get the car under control but now you're thinking about Bronson Pinchot. That's my brain. It's a complete dick sometimes. But once it sobers up it usually says it's sorry or throws up comically, so I have to forgive it.

So I'm wondering what the hell Bronson Pinchot has been up to because the last thing I remember him in was The Langoliers as Craig Toomey and that was an awful movie, so I went to IMDB and...you can do this yourself... you don't have to take my word for it... I mean if you are calling me a liar. Which I don't recommend because I have a furious scissor kick to the throat waiting for someone if you do. And that someone might just be you, or more likely that box of stale Frosted Flakes that no one ever eats but lives in my cupboard anyway(s). 

Where was I?

Bronson Pinchot has done a lot of voice-over work for cartoons if you were wondering, and also he was in something called " Slappy and the Stinkers" where he played Roy and that's an awesome thing to have on your resume so I looked it up on YouTube and it's like The Goonies only with a sea lion instead of the big Mongoloid guy, and looks like the hilarious adventure of a lifetime because the trailer has a lot of people slipping and falling and a bunch of stupid kids screaming and an adorable sea lion named Slappy, and they use the word "stinkers" like 150 times in the 2 minute segment because HAHAHAHA! "Stinkers" is funny. And now my brain is less from having watched it, and then I think about how I never really used that 2.0 GPA to leverage my genius so I'm frustrated and then I went into the kitchen and scissor-kicked the shit out of some bitch-ass Frosted Flakes so now I feel all better. 

Here is what happened to Balki*:




*Balki WAS in True Romance so that is his saving grace because that's the coolest movie ever and if you don't agree with me then guess what? Scissor-kick.


PS: My New Mama Pop article can be read here, if you don't check it every Monday like I wrote in the manifesto. Jeez, what good is it having a manifesto if no one reads it.

19 comments:

Kristine said...

What if I were to Google "scissor-kick" to see if you made that move up like the ninja you are?

Also, your blog is now beautiful on the outside. I hope you'll remember me on way to the top (uhm, your...mom...said...that?)

Anna Russell said...

I had to google GPA and Bronson Pinchot, but don't scissor kick me because True Romance is awesome.

Char said...

sometimes I just think about my 4 year old niece that laughs everytime someone says poopy

Prosy said...

Bronson Pinchot was also the creepiest guy ever in the Surreal Life series on VH1

That Baldy Fella said...

How could I have missed this when it came out? Oh, those crazy stinkers and their water-based antics!

Carolyn...Online said...

Your brain may be that annoying drunk passenger - but that's the guy that always brings the fun to the party.

Mona Lott said...

I think if he'd done the Balki accent in Langoliers it could only have been an improvement.

Soda and Candy said...

*totally distracted by the alarmingly handsome fellow in your wonderful new header*

Random Chick said...

Arrogant geniuses also go bald.

I have to wash my eyes out after watching that video thank you very much.

miss. chief said...

BALKI!!! and hey, did you rearrange the furniture up in here or something? it looks different.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: That was a pretty good try at both a "your mom" AND a "twss", so well done!

@Anna: You get a pass. No scissor-kicking for you.

@Char: Sometimes I think about a lifetime of mistakes.Ha.Ha.Ha. :)

@Prosy: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that. A+ for you today.

@Baldy: They look so wacky! And the Seal! I'd suck his cock! Wait..no...I...Never mind.

@Carolyn: He's also the one who pees in the hamper because he thinks it's a toilet.

@Mona: I think if he was really eaten by Langoliers it would be an improvement.

@Soda: It's the "alarmingly" that makes your comment extra factual.

@Random Chick: I'm the gift that keeps on giving. Like herpes.

@miss.chief: I had my hair done. Thanks for noticing.

Harna said...

I totally had a crush on Balki when I was 4. So foreign and hot.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Right between B.D. Wong and Slappy in the credits. Now I'm totally imagining Balki sitting in an empty studio apartment, cleaning his gun in his underwear with Nights in White Satin playing loudly in the background. Maybe it happened. You never know.

Dana's Brain said...

I was totally going to mention something about that big house filled with popcorn. But then I got all caught up with the life of Balki.

Captain Dumbass said...

Nice header. I'd like to think the other side of your face has some blood spatter on it, but that's just me. True Romance. Hell ya. But it made me think of True Lies and Jamie Lee Curtis dancing in her underwear, and that's not all bad.

Miss Yvonne said...

Those Frosted Flakes had it coming.

Ms. Salti said...

Seriously, you are nuts, but I love it!

Vic said...

Isn't Slappy and the Stinkers what you call your neighbors? Maybe Balki lives next door with them, and whenever the ducks escape the laugh track kicks.

I need a laugh track.

Like the new design very much!

Lindsay Champion said...

No no, no (s). It's anyway, and everyone should just figure that out and be done with it. It's nice of you to be trying to include everyone, but... there's no sherbert, anyways, or for all intensive purposes and it's time to cut that off right now.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net