I'm not too worried about the Swine Flu, not because I want to die a grisly flu-related death like all the people in The Stand do, because I'm sure I would be a survivor and would feel the inexplicable draw to that old lady in Oklahoma or whatever and as I trudged there through the wreckage of mankind's folly I would have tons of time to ponder life and that's what I'm all about. No, I'm not worried about the Swine flu because I haven't read anything about it and therefore am immune to it. Ignorance is pretty much the best flu shot ever, I think.
Luckily, I've picked up just enough of a whiff of what the story is off the internet to be dangerous. Like I'm pretty sure all bacon is poisonous now which makes this the worst flu ever and also that you can only get it from kissing Mexicans or something, and I'm trying to think back to all the people I've kissed in the last couple weeks, and none of them were Mexican but one did speak Spanish, albeit brokenly, so I guess they have to go into quarantine, and I'm going to drive over to their house now and tell them that I think they might have dirty Mexican Swine Flu, and that's because of all the Spanish and they be all "Que?" and then I'll throw them in the brig.
Okay, not the brig because Mom doesn't live on a pirate ship, and if she did I would be hanging out with her a lot more even if it meant getting the swine flu and having her list off everyone I've ever met who is dead and what a terrible person this Barack Obama is because she heard he smokes and he's black, but that's racist so not that, but he really IS black. Have I seen pictures?. Because Pirates are awesome. Even old racist possibly Mexican ones.
The other reason I'm not scared of Swine flu is because of its name. It must feel so insecure like that one boy in school whose name was Tracy** and he spent pretty much his whole life saying "It's a boy's name too, asshole." and Tracy got in lots of fights and he'd grow up quick and he'd grow up mean, his fists got hard and his wits got keen and he'd roam from town to town to hide his shame.
Maybe that's why I should worry about the Swine Flu. Maybe it's going to mess up everyone (even non-Mexicans! Zoink!) because it has an inferiority complex. If it had a cool name like the Flesh-Eating Virus or Mad Cow Disease*** then I would be a bit more worried. But they named it after pigs and pigs are only scary if you've seen "Hannibal" or "Snatch****", and if I had to fight off something metaphorically with my immune system I think it would be much easier to take a pig than it would be to knock-off a mad cow.
Now I feel bad for Swine Flu. I should send it a Hallmark card with a handwritten note and a poster of a kitten hanging off a tree branch that says "Hang in there!!!" and The swine Flu could put it up in it's cubicle at Deadly Virus Inc. and when Anthrax walked by bragging about all the chicks he nailed down in Cabo over the weekend, little Swine Flu could look up at it's poster and feel like all he had to do was hang in there. Here's what the card would say:
Dear Swine Flu,
I'm sorry that you turned out to be less deadly than everyone thought, but look at the bright side! That endorsement deal you did with the surgical mask people is going to pay off in spades, and you can always kill third world people. I know they don't count as much as Americans but keep at it. And Hang in there!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOL!!!!
Hugs not Drugs,
* This is the single cleverest title to a blog that I've ever thought of, and I didn't even plan it out so you can pretty much start standing and clapping slowly or making fart noises with your armpit or whatever, because there will be no encore. Here...I'll start. (*claps slowly*)
**I never knew a boy named Tracy, but I wish I did because then when I was about to get beat up I could point hysterically and jump up and down and shout real fast "HIS NAME IS TRACY! HIS NAME IS TRACY!" and sure that may seem like cowardice but it's survival of the fittest out there and that Tracy kid is fucked anyway(s).
*** Mad Cow Disease's real name is cool too: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. I don't know if that is it's maiden name or the name it changed from when it got to Ellis Island or what because I'm not your history lesson, but I think it's safe to say that I am handsome.
**** I said "Snatch". Snicker.