Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Boy Named Flu*

I'm not too worried about the Swine Flu, not because I want to die a grisly flu-related death like all the people in The Stand do, because I'm sure I would be a survivor and would feel the inexplicable draw to that old lady in Oklahoma or whatever and as I trudged there through the wreckage of mankind's folly I would have tons of time to ponder life and that's what I'm all about. No, I'm not worried about the Swine flu because I haven't read anything about it and therefore am immune to it. Ignorance is pretty much the best flu shot ever, I think.

Luckily, I've picked up just enough of a whiff of what the story is off the internet to be dangerous. Like I'm pretty sure all bacon is poisonous now which makes this the worst flu ever and also that you can only get it from kissing Mexicans or something, and I'm trying to think back to all the people I've kissed in the last couple weeks, and none of them were Mexican but one did speak Spanish, albeit brokenly, so I guess they have to go into quarantine, and I'm going to drive over to their house now and tell them that I think they might have dirty Mexican Swine Flu, and that's because of all the Spanish and they be all "Que?" and then I'll throw them in the brig.

Sorry, Mom.

Okay, not the brig because Mom doesn't live on a pirate ship, and if she did I would be hanging out with her a lot more even if it meant getting the swine flu and having her list off everyone I've ever met who is dead and what a terrible person this Barack Obama is because she heard he smokes and he's black, but that's racist so not that, but he really IS black. Have I seen pictures?. Because Pirates are awesome. Even old racist possibly Mexican ones.

The other reason I'm not scared of Swine flu is because of its name. It must feel so insecure like that one boy in school whose name was Tracy** and he spent pretty much his whole life saying "It's a boy's name too, asshole." and Tracy got in lots of fights and he'd grow up quick and he'd grow up mean, his fists got hard and his wits got keen and he'd roam from town to town to hide his shame.

Maybe that's why I should worry about the Swine Flu. Maybe it's going to mess up everyone (even non-Mexicans! Zoink!) because it has an inferiority complex. If it had a cool name like the Flesh-Eating Virus or Mad Cow Disease*** then I would be a bit more worried. But they named it after pigs and pigs are only scary if you've seen "Hannibal" or "Snatch****", and if I had to fight off something metaphorically with my immune system I think it would be much easier to take a pig than it would be to knock-off a mad cow.

Now I feel bad for Swine Flu. I should send it a Hallmark card with a handwritten note and a poster of a kitten hanging off a tree branch that says "Hang in there!!!" and The swine Flu could put it up in it's cubicle at Deadly Virus Inc. and when Anthrax walked by bragging about all the chicks he nailed down in Cabo over the weekend, little Swine Flu could look up at it's poster and feel like all he had to do was hang in there. Here's what the card would say:

Dear Swine Flu,

I'm sorry that you turned out to be less deadly than everyone thought, but look at the bright side! That endorsement deal you did with the surgical mask people is going to pay off in spades, and you can always kill third world people. I know they don't count as much as Americans but keep at it. And Hang in there!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOL!!!!

Hugs not Drugs,

* This is the single cleverest title to a blog that I've ever thought of, and I didn't even plan it out so you can pretty much start standing and clapping slowly or making fart noises with your armpit or whatever, because there will be no encore. Here...I'll start. (*claps slowly*)

**I never knew a boy named Tracy, but I wish I did because then when I was about to get beat up I could point hysterically and jump up and down and shout real fast "HIS NAME IS TRACY! HIS NAME IS TRACY!" and sure that may seem like cowardice but it's survival of the fittest out there and that Tracy kid is fucked anyway(s).

*** Mad Cow Disease's real name is cool too: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. I don't know if that is it's maiden name or the name it changed from when it got to Ellis Island or what because I'm not your history lesson, but I think it's safe to say that I am handsome.

**** I said "Snatch". Snicker.


Michelle said...

I've been feeling bad for swine flu for a long time now. I even invited it to my home for a vegetarian dinner, but it said no because it was looking for some dude named Kurt who seemed to think it was funny that swine flu was not a "real" disease like the other diseases.

So just a warning Kurt, swine flu is looking for you!!!!


Kristine said...

Two things:
1. MAJOR CLAPPING2. So, I made up some awards because I'm lonely...I mean really talented...and I think this one would accent your blog very nicely, and I'm sure you're all "oh god, will this chick just SHUT UP and go away with her LAME AWARDS" but really, it's very pretty in a Paint-Shop kind of way.

Anna Russell said...

"I'm the son of a bitch that named you Tracy!"

Poor swine flu. It just doesn't sound very cool at all.
You get big Kudos for the title. Did Hattori Hanzo help you with that?
Ooooh, Hattori Hanzo Flu. That sounds awesome!

elohssanatahw said...

I'd like to do some major "clapping" but even the sound of that word makes my crotch slam shut. Sorry. Kudos on the footnotes.

erin said...

THE STAND! I was obsessed with that book and movie when I was a pre-teen. I was one sick chick yo.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Dear Swine Flu,

Thanks for closing down my kids' school so that their last day of school now coincides with their first day of school next year. I'm so happy . . . er, I mean angry that I won't see them all summer.

Nate's Mom

P.S. I knew a boy named Tracy, and he was fat and had self-esteem issues. I also had a boss named Leslie, and it was really funny when people called and thought they were asking for a woman.

HappyHourSue said...

I know right? Of all animals to anihilate the human race - how embarrassing. If the Giant Squids did us in, at least we could retain our dignity.

Char said...

people get so sensitive

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I forgot:

Su madre tenga gripe porcina.

But now you do, too. Because you can get it from reading Spanish words. Sucker.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh shit, I knew there was a reason to be afraid of I'm Nate's Mom. Does swine flu make your eyes feel all itchy? Because that is how I'm feeling now.

P.S. You get extra credit for "Hugs not Drugs" and I'm not even a yeah, that closing was just that powerful.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahaha! "Hugs not Drugs" *SNORT* Oh man...

I married a dude named Shannon. Why yes, his mother IS a twisted, sick maniacal human being! But he sure did grow up tough and cute:D

Soda and Candy said...

This is my new favorite swine-flu related post.

Lindsay Champion said...

You know the people that deny it are going to be the first ones wiped out. That's how it always works in movies.

lindsay ||

Nikki said...

I would send you some swine flu carrying mexicans to play with but they are planting my garden today so I can't spare them. Maybe tomorrow.

miss. chief said...

i used to work at the Deadly Virus Inc. head office, until i was let go for...well...
let's just say Anthrax should probably go to a sexual health clinic, stat
(i can say "stat" because isn't that what doctors say? and since i might be wearing a swine flu mask* i'm a doctor in my head.)
*i'm not

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You're the Johnny Cash of swine flu blogs.

Oh, I mean posts. Silly me. teehee. *SMACK*

Vic said...

*Sque--ee-et. Sque-ee-eee-ee-t. Sque-e-e-et"*

(Slow, appreciative armpit farts.)

Johnny would be proud.

That Baldy Fella said...

Heh heh heh, snatch.

Kurt said...

@Michelle: Swine flu doesn't scare me!!!

@Kristine: Looks like someone found a sound effects website. Thank you Maam! I think my blog is handsome on the outside too, thank you very much.

@Anna: If you caught Hanzoitis you would be inclined to try scissor-kicking lamps with deadly results. So just be glad you're immune.

@elohssanatahw: Spelling "What an asshole" backwards without cutting and pasting is harder than it looks. I need some iced tea now.

@erin: One of my favorites. But I don't have street cred like you.

@Nate's Mom: Leslie is a hot name. He should've been proud.

@HappyHour Sue: I personally won't be happy unless i get eaten by a bear. Then I could be all "Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. It's a fucking bear."

@Char: I like sensitive people. They taste better. True story. I have no idea what this comment even means.

@Nate's Mom: My excellent understanding of Spanish tells me that my mom gripped a pig. Which she totally did.

@Miss Yvonne: I thought it was tough but fair.

@Mona: Shannon became cool because of the Blind Melon guy. In Gaelic it means "I'm a delicate fragile beautiful person who drinks like a goddamn ogre." <-- untrue

@Soda: What was your old favorite?

@Lindsay Champion: That's the goal. I want to contract it for the sympathy. I need more Hallmark in my life.

@Nikki: Your altruism is pandemic.

@miss.chief: That Bastard! He said he was saving himself for me! (*softly crying*)

@SMU, Kid: You're so cute when you use the wrong online writing nouns! Tee hee!

@Vic: Thank you for that rousing ovation of armpit flatulence. It moved me.

@Baldy: I KNOW, right?! It's another word for (giggle) vagina!

Prosy said...

I bet Tracy's dad was a deadbeat. He knew he wouldn't be there to teach him the ways. Did you know you can friend swine flu on facebook?

miss. chief said...

i made an award for you, it's in my post titled "i made awards" or something

Lori said...

Mother Abagail was in Nebraska.
Just so you know.

Kristine said...

You rejected MY award?! My feelings are fully squashed.

Rachel said...

Snatch. Ha. Ha. Ha.

sexy said...