Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bats and Tennis Rackets

So you know what's weird? 

I don't even have a follow-up to that because I was going to say "bats" because they freak me out, but then I had this whole moment where I was terrified I might be turning into Jerry Seinfeld and he always had bad pants and shoes and I don't need that kind of comparison drawn. Also it seems needy to start a post with a question. Like I need validation or something to continue. I totally don't. I'm going to type this crap without regard for what you want to talk about, and to even imply I have a direction in mind is practically the same as lying. I don't. Except for bats. I kinda want to talk about them, but guess what else?  My mom has an ingrown toenail. There's always that. .It's good to have a fall back position in case the writing goes too wonky. 

So bats are all pretty much assholes, and before you get all "But they eat infinity bugs and mosquitoes and their poop is good fertilizer" allow me to just flex my bicep and kiss it, because I'm not listening to any of that hippy crap. They're assholes. They fly around and make weird noises and on three separate occasions they got into my living space and the first time was awesome because I put a comforter over my head like an impenetrable bat-proof shield and then I swung a tennis racket at it, but I couldn't see what I was doing because my shield wasn't see-through and I ended up forehand smashing the shit out of a "Precious Moments" figurine that my mom gave me, and that was no big loss, because those creepy, big-eyed fuckers make my bladder let go, but just a little. 

Meanwhile the bat totally escaped my blind but madly skilled and deadly tennis swings because it was doing that crazy "I just changed directions because why the hell not" thing that bats do when they fly and then it flew out the window, but I didn't know because I was still under the shield, so I wandered around the living room breaking things with my Spalding for a solid 10 minutes until finally someone said "It's gone, Jackass".

And you might think that was hilarious and who could blame you, but wait...remember I said three? That means I have to relay two more hilarious bat-based stories in order to give you people closure and I'm all about satisfying people.*

The second one flew in circles around my head for like a week and a half and I had small kids and every time the bat got within 10 feet of them they would scream like someone was trying to stab them in the ear with a fork so it went like this:

Me: Stop screaming.
Me: Stop screaming.
Me: Stop screaming.

But luckily that only lasted for 3 hours, until cooler heads prevailed and just put a box over it when it landed on the curtains and then shooshed it outside. I smashed another "Precious Moments" figurine just to be safe. It was the one with the kids leaning in and kissing and their giant skulls were all drawn together probably by gravity and I think the boy had on one of those old union suits and one of the buttons was undone so you could (*teehee*) see part of his ass.

The third time, I saw one flying around the living room and just shut the lights off and went to bed hoping that it's feelings would be so hurt that I was ignoring it, that it would just die from neglect.  That one disappeared so it's probably still living in my hair or something. 

See this one has his ass covered so it wasn't the porn one I had, but I'd gladly smash the shit out of it, because Dubya Tee Eff, no one should get married that young.

*That's what she said.


Kristine said...

I just put a hippie video on my blog because it's fun to hate on them, and this seems relevant because you said "hippy crap." But I guess you could've been referring to your replacement surgery or something.

But you're not that old, right?

Also, what is it with people kind of forcing you into collecting figurines? I have a million of those faceless wooden ones from Hallmark or whatever. They're creepy. Because of the no-face thing.

Lana said...

the three bats that bothered you are now three less bats out there to bother me, so thanks for that.

and precious moments statues might be worse than that 'toddlers and tiaras' tv show. it's so wrong what they make those kids do.

Pearl said...

Bat or no, who DOESN'T want to smash those Precious Moments figurines?

Bats in the house? No. I don't trust the little bestids, particularly with their ability to change direction like they do.


Anonymous said...

Bats and Bees,huh?
*makes a note regarding Kurt's upcoming birthday*

Char said...

i didn't know guys bladders could let go "just a little" - once it starts I always thought it was full on. so, truth is you peed your pants, right?

Anonymous said...

And those Precious moments things scare me. Not as bad as the velvet paintings with the kids wit those HUGE eyes. I cry a little when I see those because they are what I see when I have my "art dreams" Don't ask.

Anonymous said...

@Char- bwahahahahahahahaha.
Mann I love you Char.

Sass Pizzazz said...

Is it possible that these bats are actually vampires in disguise, come to recruit you because you're actually half-vampire and now you have to activate your powers?

Except now it's probably getting really late on the whole power-activating thing because you keep ignoring them and hitting them with tennis rackets, so either they've given up on you now, OR when you finally become a vampire you'll be really amateur for a vampire of your age, and all the younger vampires will make fun of you for not being as good at... vampire things.

But you'll probably be ok, since you're already in top shape from all the international jewelry heists. So don't mind me, you'll be alright.

whatan@hole said...

Three times? Either you have a secret "bat cave" for real somewhere in or near your house, or you are using us all with your genius imagination and talented writing in yet another of your grand schemes to cover your tracks.

Well, did your mom believe the bat story?
Smashing those precious little things . . they cost good money. I'm sure it will be replaced soon. Very soon.

Vic said...

I totally love when you kiss your bicep. Do it again please.

Precious Moments figurines are my kryptonite. I hate them more than almost everything. If I had to choose between world peace and all PM figurines being smashed into oblivion, I would have a hard time choosing.

No I wouldn't. Smash those creepy things.

MelanieD said...

Bats are freaking creepy, once I was opening up a patio umbrella and one of the little bastards came out and because it was day time the thing was just freaking out and flying in circles around my dad's head(which is another whole story there) And I agree with you on the precious moments dolls.....smash em all!!!!!
BTW had to google Dubya Tee Eff to see what it meant, but it made me laugh cause when I was reading it I thought WTF does that mean!!!!

Anonymous said...

FYI-- you can be bitten by a bat in your sleep, contract rabies, and not even know it.


Soda and Candy said...

Wow, Precious Moments... more like Pedo Moments, amiright? with the ass-showing, etc.

Also, I have to tell you about the time a fruit bat flew into my mum's house. First off, fruit bats are about the size of a very big rat, but then they have humongo leathery wings on which makes them much huger. It flew through the house upsetting everything and then ended up hanging upside down off a curtain rail until the animal-control type person came to get it. True story.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: I like the faceless angels. I pretend they are harbingers of the apocalypse and line them up in a ring around The Boy's Star Wars Action Figures. Like Ring Wraiths.

@Lana: I think I'm grateful that I have no idea what "toddlers and tiaras" is.

@Pearl: They are way too flippy.

@Char: I do my kegels. I can stop that shit on a dime.

@Sass: I am in tip-top shape because of all my Jai-ho dance practice and windmill arms.

@whatan@hole: They cost bad money actually. Very very bad money.

@Vic:Yeah. Eff the world. Bats suck.

@MelanieD: I like that because the Urban Dictionary says it is the "cool" way to say "WTF". And the internet never lies.

@BB: I think it would be cool to have rabies at least once. And yeah...yeah...yeah the million inch long shots in the stomach, but still...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm guano leave a comment right here, and you're guano comment back.

*champion arms!!*

Miss Yvonne said...

There was a whole colony of bats living in the walls of my parents house one summer and we spent every night screaming and running around with blankets over our heads. Did you know bats scream when you kill them with a tennis racket? Yeah, they do. They scream like the little bitches they are.

The Jules said...

I was going to comment about how my cat caught a bat, but it suddenly started to seem a bit Dr Seuss-y, and I'd have to make a list about bats and cats and rats with plaits.

Random Chick said...

Maybe you're being beckoned to be the next Bat man? Why else would bats be following you around like that?

miss. chief said...

oh yeah? i have TWO ingrown toenails so take that, batboy

Harna said...

Bats are not just assholes, they're also pervs because the animal control dude told my friend that they're good at hiding from you, WATCHING you and squeezing through holes the size of nickels. So that third one has already made a peephole in the ceiling above your shower...

Wow, that was awkward said...

I find it interesting that somehow tennis rackets are universally accepted as the proper and primary weapon/tool for bat control. How do people with bats in the house always happen to have a tennis racket handy anyway? Ours are collecting dust buried in the garage somewhere. The tennis rackets, not the bats.

Dana's Brain said...

I hate bats. They freak the hell out of me. I saw the creepiest, basically dying bat in Washington Square Park in NYC once. It was lying on it's back making these death squeals. FUCKED UP!

Mona Lott said...

You're a fucking genius and here's why: I have a bajillion stupid little *THINGS* that I don't want but can't throw away because they were gifts from someone like The MIL of Doom... But now. It was the bat!

Also, Miss Yvonne just turned me on a little with the tough talk. I think I'm gonna use that line to make my bat story more believable:D

Maelstrom said...

You should teach a class in this, I totally need a bat destroying sensei.

Pop and Ice said...

My stepfather pulled a bat out his shoe early one morning, after he failed to get his foot in the shoe. He was so shocked he just slammed it againt the wall and then out the window.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: You bat-ter just shut the Eff up. Wakka-Wakka! (*slide whistle, Slips on banana*)

@Miss Yvonne: I always suspected you were a furious bat vigilante. Do you still hear the screaming of the bats, Clarice?

@The Jules: All legal documents should be written in Suess.

@Random Chick: Because, as I mentioned, they are assholes.

@miss.chief: You got them from doing evil, I bet.

@Harna: I'd like to squeeze into a hole the size of a nickel! Get it? Vagina!

I'm so sorry. It's like I'm possessed sometimes.

@Wow: They should sell them as such. Cross-branding synergy or some such marketing nonsense.

@Dana: We're all basically dying. (*reflective pause with chin in hand*)

@Mona: Try throwing them AT her maybe. That might help on two levels.

@Maelstrom: The other course I could teach would be "screaming like a girl at 4 oz, flying rodents"

@Pop: That same thing happened to me, only instead of a bat in my shoe, it was a dead prostitute in my bed.

Soda and Candy said...

: (

You ignored my comment.

*throws hungry fruit bats at Kurt*

Cynthia said...

I dig bats. I'll just come out and say it like that. The more rabid they look, the more I just want to cuddle them. Of course, I drink a lot. But still....

Really though, my kindergartner had to do a solid week of "bat facts". He told his teacher that we had a bat living under the eaves of our roof and so she assigned him to report a bat fact for 5 days in a row, with visual aids. Now he's branded the "bat kid" at school. But I think he likes it.

razorsandvines said...

Okay, first time visiting here.
You've made a fan out of me.
That story was hilarious.

razorsandvines said...

Ah... a fellow New Yorker...

Captain Dumbass said...

Thanks for the bicep kissing, I'm going to use that. My kids laugh at me anyway so at least this way I can pretend its my comedy and not their total disregard for my parenting abilities.