Thursday, April 9, 2009

Triple Keanu = Genius

We're at Tae Kwon Do last night, and as usual the instructor is freaking me the fuck out because he is so weirdly intense that I'm sure he is secretly killing all these kids in his mind like every second of every lesson and then storing them in a big duffle* bag he keeps in the basement and he does insane experiments on them like ritual torture and porny strangle sex, but maybe that's just me and he's just super comfortable dressing up in pajamas and kicking air really serious. You can never tell for sure.

So I feel like it's my duty to keep my eye on him. I'm like the McGruff the Crime Dog of Pedophilia. And it's totally not my fault that my mind goes to these dark places, because I've seen Silence of the Lambs like infinity times, including all those viewings of TNT or whatever where they cut out the part about Senator Martin's nipples but left the part where Hannibal cuts off the guard's whole entire face and wears it around like he's going to a fancy masquerade ball. Because nipples are way worse than face-ripped-off-bloody-death masks. Nice going TNT. Way to be effed up. I totally blame Jodi Foster for my Jame Gumb ,Tae Kwon Do imagination scenes. That and for turning me on in The Accused. Because that was just wrong.

So I'm watching this guy's moves real close to make sure he isn't pointing at his crotch with his subliminal powers or something, and that's my whole problem with martial arts. They seem super sneaky. They're all "Look at me can walk on fire and bend spoons with my mind!" and while you watch that cool shit they kick you in the throat.

Or maybe that spoon-bending thing was just in The Matrix, but I don't think The One would lie to me. And I'm not talking about "The One" from that 'Still the One" song by Orleans and why the fuck do I even know that? Like when has it ever played to my advantage to know who sang "Still the One"? I was never telling this story: "This one time I was on a runaway train being held hostage by notorious bankrobbers and we couldn't stop or drop below sixty or else the train would explode and then the head terrorist said 'If somebody doesn't tell me what the biggest hit for the rock group Orleans was, I'm going to throw this brake lever!' And so I save the day and then I roll onto my back and fire my pistol into the air while shouting "NOOO!!!" because I can't bring myself to shoot Bodie even though he is a notorious felon bank robber in a Nixon mask"

I just referenced three performances by Keanu Reeves in one sentence-paragraph. I'd like my medal to say "Awesomest!" please.

Where the fuck was I?

Right. So he's all chop socky and serious face-snorts and extra-emotional "Hee-yas!" and the kids are all pretty much terrified that he's going to kick their faces off. And then he gets all stompy and "shuh! Shuh!" like an angry cartoon elephant while doing those little dance routines they do and if I was in Tae Kwon Do, I would totally do "The Hustle" during one of these furious dance offs to see if I could win a spot on Star Search or whatever. I don't even know what they are trying to win. Medals? Belts? Tiger-claw shaped belt buckles? I would totally learn all that YMCA arm shit for a Tiger Claw belt buckle. And they would present it to me on Mt. Olympus and I would speak to the sea of humanity that had drawn from the four corners of the Earth to bear silent, awed witness to this great moment in history and I would say "Thanks for the Belt Buckle, Yo**!" and then I would be surprised because when you touch a button on the top ,the red led lights behind the claws blink and the buckle makes a panther roaring noise, which is inaccurate but here's a little known fact, no person has ever heard a tiger roar and lived to tell about it. No, I know. It's sounds crazy but it is completely true.*** They sent a deaf guy in to record it once thinking that would solve the problem, but it turns out deaf people are even EASIER for tigers to stalk, so someone pretty much lost their job over that brilliant idea.

I really need to come down off this four day Red Bull buzz and take a nap maybe.

*Spellcheck says the proper spelling of "duffle" is D-u-f-f-e-l, but that doesn't look right to me and I'm just going to assume that someone at The Spellcheck Programming Institute is playing a practical joke on me, and that guy is always laughing at me with his red squiggles and his condescending tone, so I took my revenge by taking a dump on my keyboard and that wasn't a very good plan at all in retrospect.

**Think of the mad street cred a "yo" would garner at an event of this magnitude! In my mind there's a cartoon Street Credometer and when I pull off this coup, the numbers starting rolling blurry-fast and a chime starts going "ding! ding! ding! ding!" like a pinball machine from the 50s and yeah, pretty much everything in my head is a cartoon, so what?

***And by "completely" I mean "not in the slightest". I know that may seem confusing, but check out my biceps. I totally think they are getting bigger since I stopped drinking milk out of glasses and started hefting the whole jug.


Anna Russell said...

So, I'm reading Kurt's post and thinking "I should do Tae Kwan Do" and all of a sudden a big ape monster thing rapes me in my sleep while my boyfriend's in Transylvannia with his hair turning white and I phone to check if there's a Tae Kwan Do class nearby and the operator's all "Bogus, dude!" and then some romantic comedy or other.

I'd like my medal to say awesomester please.

(Ooh 101 followers - congrats!)

Dana's Brain said...

There is no spoon.

That Baldy Fella said...

I was going to go for more Keanu references but I've found it depressing enough that I've identified yours and Anna's as it is which has lead me to the conclusion that I've watched lots of films with the world's most emotionless actor in it. Oh, no, wait, that's Kevin Costner. Dear Lord, I've watched lots of his films too. What am I doing with my life? I need a lie down.

FrankandMary said...

I thought I was the only one who used "completely" to mean not in the slightest. Welcome, brother.

I offered a guy a sugar-free Red Bull but he said he had a preference for amyl nitrate, because they also make sex "feel" better. I never bothered with him again, but I do appreciate(from a far) his honestly. ~Mary

Char said...

ahhh, kurt-san, I bow to your tiger claw belt awesomeness.

sour said...

the instructor guy really IS the silence of the lambs guy, he kicks off the kids faces, and then wears them to the masquerade ball.
i just blew your mind.

Miss Yvonne said...

I don't have a medal, but I just emailed you an award. It has a dinosaur and is pretty much awesomest.

Soda and Candy said...

You sir, are the awesomest, and I hope you get your tiger claw belt STAT!

Just LD said...

Now porny strange sex is stuck in my head. At work. Thanks much.

TishTash said...

Say all you like about Keanu, but I wouldn't want anyone else but him in a situation where I have to be on a bus with Dennis Hopper controlling it.

Also, if I were impregnated and afraid to go home to my family without a husband, Keanu would so be my choice for fake impregnator.

Dig that one up, I dare you.

Vic said...

When I die, one of my proudest accomplishments will be that I have not seen a single Keanu Reeves movie after "Bill and Ted's...".
Oh. Except for maybe that one where he jumps out of an airplane.

So not quite as proud.

Mona Lott said...

The super dramatic yet somehow overserious thing is preeeetty much why I couldn't make it in martial arts. That shit is funny. Funny makes me laugh. They don't like that. Wah wah waaaaaaaaah!

Fuck that spell checkin' bastard! And so on...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Take a dump on my keyboard, LIKE A BOWSS!!
Write a blog, LIKE A BOWSS!!
Comment back, LIKE A BOWSS!!

Captain Dumbass said...

Pop quiz, hotshot...

Meh. How is it that subjecting our children to horrific violence is peachy keen but show Janet Jackson's nipple at a predominately male sporting event and its blood in the streets?

Make our streets safer, show more titties!

Lea said...

*makes a mental memo to herself* Must drink loads of caffeine before reading this blog.

Frankenfinger said...

The genius of the Tae-Kwon-Duh...class is this:
The creepy instructor is obviously an omega male, trying haplessly to appear alpha.
(Poor dorky fella, it was this or Star Trek conventions.)

At some point your son will realize this and think, “Wow, I was afraid of that dork?”
And hence forth, frolic in the bliss of Alpha/Betaishness.

At some point your daughter will realize this and think, “Wow, what a fucken creepy SOB!”
And hence forth, seek out non-weirdo male friends.

I’m just sayen.

Maelstrom said...

I just had to get in here because Kurt hasn't @'d anyone yet and that's gonna be one hell of a long comment.

Prosy said...

I was afraid that 'of pedophilia' was going to die out like the long forgotten saber toothed tiger, but I'm glad to see that you are keeping the memory alive. Wolverines! At the lakehouse.*

Prosy said...

*which is another Keanu Reeves movie which I didn't actually see but apparently had a time traveling dog which is pretty rad.