Thursday, April 2, 2009

This Resembles Torture

So this morning I'm pulling a hoodie over my head and I'm half-awake and I put it on backwards so that the hood goes over my face and I'm all "This sucks." because I hate being awake this early and when you get up at 5:30 pretty much everything feels like it is out to get you. I feel like I have provoked the wrath of some ancient and furious god who would come down from their palace high on a mountain top to gut me and feast upon my entrails, and maybe I'm being dramatic but seriously, this whole hoodie situation is out of control. I mean I can't SEE anything. It's like I've been taken hostage by my clothing and the prospect of lifting my arms up to fix it, seems like some horrible form of torture on par with waterboarding* or listening to Jewel read her own poetry.

So I'm standing there in my blackout hoodie and contemplating the effort that is going to be involved in fixing this shit, and I'm starting to drift back asleep because apparently I'm like a parrot where if you put a blanket over my cage I'm tricked in to sleeping, and that's when the kids come in and start asking me things and I close my eyes and start to have this wonderful daydream where I'm dead, which is fine because then I don't have to fix this stupid hoodie, or know the answer to where is the sock bucket is because I don't sort my socks or fold them into a neat piles to put in drawers, I throw them all in a bucket so that every morning is like a treasure hunt for clean socks. and I also don't have to know if this shade of blue matches her shoes or what "too much" blush looks like, I can just be dead and presumably resting. And now they are bickering about who gets the last package of Pop-Tarts, and I have to impart some genius King Solomon style wisdom that involves telling them to shut up and go away or I'll beat you**.

So they wander off into the far reaches of the house but they're still bickering so I know they're not dead and that is pretty much my job as their Dad, so I should probably get an award of some sort. And I'm still standing there, not able to see and now I'm daydreaming about enjoying a picnic under the shade of a huge tree by a field of whispering timothy grass and for lunch I'm having a delicious chicken caesar salad and there are no Pop-Tarts© anywhere nearby and there are no kids because they have grown up and gotten married and are both brilliant and rich and successful and I keep getting thanked at the Nobel Prize ceremony like every other week and it's a little embarrassing to have two children who are so famous but I'm coping because of all the houses they keep buying me.

And then The Boy runs in and he can't find his underwear which means that when I pull down this backwards hood I'm going to see naked boy bits and who the hell doesn't secure new underwear before discarding the old? That's ridiculous. And that is when I decided that being tired is the new black and I'm so cool I can't stand it. And also that maybe I need an underwear bucket.

The End.

Moral: I want a Pop-Tart.

*waterboarding is a kind of torture and not a fun-filled aquatic activity involving a boat and a highly polished piece of wood. You can tell the difference by all the screaming. One sounds like glee and the other is in another language.***

** I would never hit my kids because Whitney Houston once said "Pass that 8-ball!" and also that children are our future, and that makes sense because presently I wish they weren't here.

*** See what I did there? I was all political and thought-provoking, because anyone being waterboarded is probably a foreigner, and then I'm all relevant and topical, and Are those chocolate chip cookies? Yum!

31 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

You know Kurt, this kind of seems like whining. "oooh no, I'm up at 5:30 and I put my hoodie on backwards, what ever shall I do?!" accompanied with the Home Alone Hands to Face Plant and I'm all, "Phhsst, I'm up regularly at 4:00am to work all day until 5pm and you don't hear me complaining about forgetting to put my pants on!" and then you cry --not because of what I just said because I can't yell loud enough to go from Canada to you -- but because you put your hoodie on backwards and have no clue where you are. Also, you can't eat Poptarts with your hood on backwards.

Dana's Brain said...

I know we are not big on IM speak, but that did make me LOL! I don't care what old Trodo says, 5:30 is a god-awful time of day where the only thing that should be happening is sleep.

I find underwear buckets to be very useful with the 5yr old.

Char said...

buy more poptarts

Maelstrom said...

"And that is when I decided that being tired is the new black and I'm so cool I can't stand it." I'm so in on this new fad you've created.

Soda and Candy said...

They have a 5:30 in the morning now?

I've done that before, with hoodies. It also chokes you because the back of the neck-hole is higher than the front. Stupid clothes.

Prosy said...

You should have just cut eye holes in your hoodie and would have a) not had to reposition your clothing and b) easily robbed banks with little or no effort.
PS
Did you know you don't even have to have a gun to rob a bank? You can just give them a note telling them to give you all the money and they will because they're trained to not be a hero. I wonder how that training goes. Anti-hero training. I bet they set a little kid on fire and then instruct the tellers not to put him out. The one who lets him burn the longest gets the job!

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm up at 5:30am every stinkin' morning and I'm here to tell you it's pretty much exactly like how you felt this morning....only every single day.

Plus we never have pop tarts at our house.

Yeah, my life sucks.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Pop-tarts®. ®. Option r. You wore me down.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: The only reason you're not complaining is because you're Canadian and therefore super-polite. Except somehow you're not.

@Dana: keeping a five year old in his underpants is pretty much a full time job.

@Char: Look at you, miss Practical!

@Maelstrom: Welcome aboard!

@Soda: I know. Clothes are super-hard. I wish I could just roll around in a pile of laundry and the stuff I needed would just stick where it was supposed to.

@Prosy: That totally made me laugh my ass off. Because the kids would be ON FIRE! Awesome.

@Miss Yvonne: The Pop Tarts don't actually make things that much more manageable, so don't feel too bad.

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: I'm not on a Mac©. Hahahaha! I'm still too lazy to look it up, and I've been baiting you for days! This is the best game ever©!!

Anna Russell said...

This is why children should be sent out into the world on their own when they learn to walk. Making us get up early? Bastards.

Nikki said...

Moral of the story should be "Don't wake up at 5:30am...Ever!"

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Eye roll©. That's MacBook Pro to you, sucker. Macs are the new black. They have so many more "options" . . . Now go to Wegman's for more Pop-tarts® and leave me alone. (kidding -- I'm just bitter b/c I realized I have no life and have posted 2 comments in less than an hour.)

Kurt said...

@Anna: I know. And Mine can even feed themselves so do I need to be there like some grumpy cheerleader?

@Nikki: If I don't put them on the bus they stay home all day and that effs up naptime.

@Nate's Mom: I actually looked up Trademark because I felt bad about winning our game. It's ALT+0153. ™

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Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If you ever manage to get the backwards hoodie off your face, I find it useful as a crumb catcher. Also, if you find a baby bird you can build it a hoodie nest and keep a watchful eye as it sleeps beneath your face. Until it grows up and it's not cute anymore, then whatever, just kill it.

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I'm Nate's Mom said...

I don't know if you're kidding or not, and I'm too lazy to walk into the office to check my husband's pc. It sounds like too much trouble. You can stick with the © (option g), if you like. Also, I didn't feel like you won. Because I'm on a Mac, and I don't care.

Kurt said...

@Panic: Hey Man! Thanks for the nomination love. I appreciate it!

@SMU, Kid: I was trying to think of a clever comeback but the comment is too funny to wreck, so all I was able to do was that weird vaudeville dance thing where you put your hands on your knees and move them back and forth whilst a calliope plays.

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: I'm totally not kidding. PCs suck. I lent out my Mac Laptop. I miss it so.

Vic said...

Sock Buckets© are one of the pillars of western society. I believe in Buckets o' Things, like I believe in the Constitution. That, and Piles o' Things, which is the West Coast version, I don't know why, it's probably a code issue or something.

Also, once underwear is rejected, it must be taken off immediately. Who plans ahead in an emergency?

Mona Lott said...

Be glad you slept in! 4:30 is just like you described, but with ass raping.

I would pay to see you fight your way out of that hoodie. I've got a quarter with your name aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over it! OOOH! And a free blueberry Pop Tart! (yeah, that's the ticket!)

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Detective Agencies said...

I can understand your feeling on waking up so early. I hate to get up so early for anything except for going on a tour which I enjoy the most.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Vic,
My mom told us about her aunt who always wore two pairs of underwear, just in case (in case of what, I don't know). Well, one day she used a public restroom in a train station and saw a pair of panties on the floor. She figured it was her spare pair and pulled them on. Well, wouldn't ya know, later that night she discovered she had on three pairs! Horror!
Jess (aka Nate's Mom), queen of piles o' things on the east coast

Nikki said...

Oh hell naw dawg don't screw with the nap yo!

See that I was trying to be G and it was cute.

Moonkee said...

"Sock Bucket" will be the name of my second autobiography. Or my next band.

That Baldy Fella said...

Oh, secure new underwear before discarding the old. That explains the strange looks I get sometimes at the bus stop.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Our son just doesn't wear underwear. He goes commando, and is damn proud of it.

Kurt said...

@Vic: I love the Sock Bucket© It says "I don't love you THAT much" only nicer. Also, I need to move to where the underwear policies are less stringent.

@Mona: I;m comin' I'm comin'.

That's what she said.


@Detective Agencies: I would like going on tour also. I'd be all "fuck yeah!" and "Let's Rawk!" and then I would wake up and realize I only play the Tuba a little.

@Nate's Mom: I think we can all agree that with underwear "finders keepers" is NOT the best plan.

@Nikki: I don't speak Spanish.

@Moonkee: That IS a good band name. Sounds Ominous.

@Baldy: Those bus riders are all stuck up. Free them from the jail of their MIND, is what I say.

@Mary: I wasn't aware we had a son. :)

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Spyshop said...

Getting up early at 5:30 am is what i hate also
things dont look clear to me when i get up from my sleep
i can never wake up at that time infact