So Prosy totally tagged me to write a "10 things you don't know about me" post, but I hate those EmEffers, so what I usually do is lie my ass off when I do them because it's easier and funnier and then you aren't exposed to my crippling depression even when I've taken 6 expired cat anti-depressants in one day and also drank a dozen or so Brandy Alexanders, and don't try and tell me that's gay because my fighting skill set goes through the roof when I'm getting my Alexander on. So here you go:
1) Certain TV shows and movies make me fall asleep and I don't know why, but it's always at the same point in the show and usually it's a crucial plot point and I wake up 10 minutes later completely confused and unsure of what just happened so I rewind it and then I fall asleep again in the same spot. And then I wake up again, and I'm all "MotherEffer! Did I fall asleep again?" and so I rewind it and then the whole process starts over again, It has nothing to do with my interest in the show, or the amount of action going on. I think it's some form of sexy autism, to be honest. It took me 3 hours to watch one episode of Battlestar Galactica once. I mean one "Girls Gone Wild" DVD.
2) I keep peeking into the Hillbilly neighbor's house because I haven't heard the Saddest Dog in the World for some time and I'm worried that they may have eaten him and that they have finally slipped into post-apocalyptic survival mode and if I peak into their windows they'll shoot guns at me, so I kind of have to lurk just below their window frames with a dental mirror and they caught me doing it once and i said I lost a tooth, and that made enough sense to them that I was able to escape. Not really. But I do worry that the dog is hurt or something when it doesn't wake me up at 6am with it's yowling.
3) I try to kill things with my mind pretty much all the time, like especially The Saddest Dog in the World when it is yowling at 6am. So far no luck, although one time I squinted too hard for a long time, hoping that crow's feet were the missing ingredient and the dog stopped barking and I was terrified I had killed it with my mind, and then I started planning out my world domination, and then it started yowling again and I had a headache. So screw you, Telekinetic Murder. Perfect crime, my ass.
4) I've never been to a casino except once when I was 12 with my Dad and we didn't bet or anything, we just had to pee. That's a dumb fact. I know...I've never placed a bet in a casino. That sounds more absolute and shocking, and I know you all just totally went "Holy Eff! No way!" But I swear it's probably true and if you don't believe me I will para-sail over your house and napalm your ass. Wait...what? Napalm is illegal? Stupid environmentalists.
5) I can't believe this is only the halfway point of this list because I swear to JeHooba I've been working on this thing for like 1000 hours already and I could have pretty much built the pyramids by now, but actually it's only been about 15 minutes so never mind. Also, the number 5 is an asshole, and if I have to explain that then I don't even know you anymore.
6) I used to hate kids who worked on farms and had paper routes and all that self-righteous BS, because I was too lazy to, and who do they think they are anyways? Also those same kids always saved their money and bought THEMSELVES a motherfuckin' Atari, and Yar's Revenge and if I could go back in time I would not try to kill Hitler, I would go back and kick that kid in the nuts and steal his Atari and How's that for a life lesson, you pompous asshole? And then I will have altered his perception of the world and he will become a cynic and then the birds will churn the air over Great Rock, and the Monkey will hold up Simba and everyone will sing 'The Circle of Life" and what was I even talking about?
7) I like saying "meds" for "medication" and this is a new trend in our society in the last 10 years and I'm only mentioning it because I am here to tell you, Society...someone noticed that shit. One minute it was only cool, bearded hipsters in Brooklyn talking about skipping their "meds" and "Band of Horses" and the rise of Bollywood while puttering about in their American Apparel briefs, and now it's my aging sexagenarian mother* and when she says it my ears try to run away like they do when she starts saying things like 'Don't Go there!" and "You Go Girl!" and then I want to shoot myself in the face with a flare gun, but maybe that's just because I'm off my meds.
8)I've never had to go to the hospital to have a foreign object removed from my body except once when I was little and had a sequoia stuck in my eye. Okay I'm exaggerating it was just a your mom. Ha-ha-ha see what I did there? But seriously, I have had a bunch of "Oh Shit!" moments where my eyes get real poppy and I start clawing at my nose or my ear to get whatever it is out of there. Like jellybeans and quarters are pretty much my mortal enemies.
9)High School wrestlers make me nervous, and I don't think it's homophobia or anything, but something about them seems "off" and a little terrifying like every time I see them on TV, I have this weird moment where I picture them coming around the corner at me in a locker room, and I have to change the channel. I might be repressing something here. Can't be too sure. Also when I see them I black out, pee my pants, and wake up under a blanket in the closet, muttering to myself and crying. That's probably just a funny coincidence though, like bumping into my English teacher from third grade at the grocery store 2 weeks in a row when I wasn't even stalking her much because that bitch made me miss recess ALL the time saying I was a "behavioral problem".
10) I tried taking a class in Archeology when I was in college so that pretty much makes me Indiana Jones, which was the whole point and really the only reason anyone ever took archeology after 1981, so I think we've got some common ground here and this pretty much makes me a "man of the people" even though I don't like to leave the apartment so much anymore because my Fail beard is kind of lumpy and my bathrobe got accidentally dunked in the toilet when I was talking myself through my manifesto the other day and I had to throw it off for dramatic effect and that's when it got dunked, and maybe the toilet was clean, but how clean is a toilet ever really, and I sort of sniffed it to make sure it wasn't gross but I didn't "aggressively" sniff it because who wants a big snort of toilet water smell? And then I finished my manifesto performance with some big fist waves and a curtsy and then I just put the robe back on and that was six days ago. But otherwise I'm totally a "man of the people",
*Yes my Mom puts the "sex" in "sexagenarian", or whatever your stupid "Your Mom" comment was going to be. Nice try, Dink. I'm way ahead of you.