Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Stupid Prosy


So Prosy totally tagged me to write a "10 things you don't know about me" post, but I hate those EmEffers, so what I usually do is lie my ass off when I do them because it's easier and funnier and then you aren't exposed to my crippling depression even when I've taken 6 expired cat anti-depressants in one day and also drank a dozen or so Brandy Alexanders, and don't try and tell me that's gay because my fighting skill set goes through the roof when I'm getting my Alexander on. So here you go:

1) Certain TV shows and movies make me fall asleep and I don't know why, but it's always at the same point in the show and usually it's a crucial plot point and I wake up 10 minutes later completely confused and unsure of what just happened so I rewind it and then I fall asleep again in the same spot. And then I wake up again, and I'm all "MotherEffer! Did I fall asleep again?" and so I rewind it and then the whole process starts over again, It has nothing to do with my interest in the show, or the amount of action going on. I think it's some form of sexy autism, to be honest. It took me 3 hours to watch one episode of Battlestar Galactica once. I mean one "Girls Gone Wild" DVD.

2) I keep peeking into the Hillbilly neighbor's house because I haven't heard the Saddest Dog in the World for some time and I'm worried that they may have eaten him and that they have finally slipped into post-apocalyptic survival mode and if I peak into their windows they'll shoot guns at me, so I kind of have to lurk just below their window frames with a dental mirror and they caught me doing it once and i said I lost a tooth, and that made enough sense to them that I was able to escape. Not really. But I do worry that the dog is hurt or something when it doesn't wake me up at 6am with it's yowling.

3) I try to kill things with my mind pretty much all the time, like especially The Saddest Dog in the World when it is yowling at 6am. So far no luck, although one time I squinted too hard for a long time, hoping that crow's feet were the missing ingredient and the dog stopped barking and I was terrified I had killed it with my mind, and then I started planning out my world domination, and then it started yowling again and I had a headache. So screw you, Telekinetic Murder. Perfect crime, my ass.

4) I've never been to a casino except once when I was 12 with my Dad and we didn't bet or anything, we just had to pee. That's a dumb fact. I know...I've never placed a bet in a casino. That sounds more absolute and shocking, and I know you all just totally went "Holy Eff! No way!" But I swear it's probably true and if you don't believe me I will para-sail over your house and napalm your ass. Wait...what? Napalm is illegal? Stupid environmentalists.

5) I can't believe this is only the halfway point of this list because I swear to JeHooba I've been working on this thing for like 1000 hours already and I could have pretty much built the pyramids by now, but actually it's only been about 15 minutes so never mind. Also, the number 5 is an asshole, and if I have to explain that then I don't even know you anymore.

6) I used to hate kids who worked on farms and had paper routes and all that self-righteous BS, because I was too lazy to, and who do they think they are anyways? Also those same kids always saved their money and bought THEMSELVES a motherfuckin' Atari, and Yar's Revenge and if I could go back in time I would not try to kill Hitler, I would go back and kick that kid in the nuts and steal his Atari and How's that for a life lesson, you pompous asshole? And then I will have altered his perception of the world and he will become a cynic and then the birds will churn the air over Great Rock, and the Monkey will hold up Simba and everyone will sing 'The Circle of Life" and what was I even talking about?

7) I like saying "meds" for "medication" and this is a new trend in our society in the last 10 years and I'm only mentioning it because I am here to tell you, Society...someone noticed that shit. One minute it was only cool, bearded hipsters in Brooklyn talking about skipping their "meds" and "Band of Horses" and the rise of Bollywood while puttering about in their American Apparel briefs, and now it's my aging sexagenarian mother* and when she says it my ears try to run away like they do when she starts saying things like 'Don't Go there!" and "You Go Girl!" and then I want to shoot myself in the face with a flare gun, but maybe that's just because I'm off my meds.

8)I've never had to go to the hospital to have a foreign object removed from my body except once when I was little and had a sequoia stuck in my eye. Okay I'm exaggerating it was just a your mom. Ha-ha-ha see what I did there? But seriously, I have had a bunch of "Oh Shit!" moments where my eyes get real poppy and I start clawing at my nose or my ear to get whatever it is out of there. Like jellybeans and quarters are pretty much my mortal enemies.

9)High School wrestlers make me nervous, and I don't think it's homophobia or anything, but something about them seems "off" and a little terrifying like every time I see them on TV, I have this weird moment where I picture them coming around the corner at me in a locker room, and I have to change the channel. I might be repressing something here. Can't be too sure. Also when I see them I black out, pee my pants, and wake up under a blanket in the closet, muttering to myself and crying. That's probably just a funny coincidence though, like bumping into my English teacher from third grade at the grocery store 2 weeks in a row when I wasn't even stalking her much because that bitch made me miss recess ALL the time saying I was a "behavioral problem".

10) I tried taking a class in Archeology when I was in college so that pretty much makes me Indiana Jones, which was the whole point and really the only reason anyone ever took archeology after 1981, so I think we've got some common ground here and this pretty much makes me a "man of the people" even though I don't like to leave the apartment so much anymore because my Fail beard is kind of lumpy and my bathrobe got accidentally dunked in the toilet when I was talking myself through my manifesto the other day and I had to throw it off for dramatic effect and that's when it got dunked, and maybe the toilet was clean, but how clean is a toilet ever really, and I sort of sniffed it to make sure it wasn't gross but I didn't "aggressively" sniff it because who wants a big snort of toilet water smell? And then I finished my manifesto performance with some big fist waves and a curtsy and then I just put the robe back on and that was six days ago. But otherwise I'm totally a "man of the people",


*Yes my Mom puts the "sex" in "sexagenarian", or whatever your stupid "Your Mom" comment was going to be. Nice try, Dink. I'm way ahead of you.

25 comments:

Kat said...

I took a class in Anthropology so I think we should go out and discover a lost race of humans. Maybe we can figure out what Stonehenge is really all about.

Michelle said...

Dude, I am a bearded hipster in Brooklyn AND I say meds because I take meds so why talk more than you have to??? 1 syllable words are so much easier when your on meds anyway. I'd rather not slur my words so meds it is.

I don't believe #4! I am sure you and your dad had some sort of bet going while you were both peeing!!! In fact, I know you did.

Please go put your smelly bathrobe in the wash today!!!! OK?

Scandalous Housewife said...

Cmon, dig a little deeper! That's all ya got? Hell, I confess more shit about myself on a weekly basis! And sometimes I even video tape it...

Kurt said...

@Kat: We totally should, and then when no one was looking we could plant evidence and be all 'holy shit! These guys were into "My Little Pony" and rollerskating and then we could laugh!

@Michelle: There was no bet. I was scarred for life though when moments later we walked past a porn shop with a wall mural of a vagina on it.

@Scandy: Oversharing is how you get diseases.

Carolyn...Online said...

I meant to take Archeology freshman year but accidentally took Anthropology and had to hear about the alternative lifestyles that inmates take on to create a whole community because my professor just like to say "ass rape" about 5 times an hour. But really who doesn't?

Nikki said...

I think your attempt at the depression beard is commendable. Also, I think high school wrestlers are scary because they can really hurt me but WWE is fake so I'm pretty sure I could take out the Rock because we all know he is fake strong.

Nikki said...

I don't know the names of any WWE wrestlers or even if it's called WWE anymore but I know the Rock used to do something like that before he started making kiddie movies.

sour said...

speaking of "behavioral problems", why do cats always rub the side of their face on things like the corners of my computer?

Miss Yvonne said...

I don't think I've ever aggressively sniffed anything in my life. Am I missing out on something?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

our MOM is wa ahead of me.

Char said...

what? these are never true. damn.

Anna Russell said...

Your mom's an anthropologist.

(I am not good at this. But I did say mom instead of mum).

There is a dead spider on my floor - Kurt, I think you killed it with your mind!

Anna Russell said...

And by anthropologist, I meant archaeologist and was just checking that you were paying attention and in no way get those two things mixed up all the time.

Mona Lott said...

Number 5 really IS an asshole.

Mona Lott said...

OOOH! OOOH! And you should attempt to telekinetically wash that fucking bath robe!!!!!

Please? For the germaphobe?

Kurt said...

@Carolyn: "Ass Rape" is just like saying "Yes Please" in prison. It's the Polite Affirmative of Pedophilia

@Nikki: I still call it the WWF sometimes and all my wrestling fan friends are like "Dubbya Tee Eff?" and I just made that up. I don't have any friends.

@sour: All cats are like #5 is why. That's why I love them. They are the "fuck you" of the animal kingdom.

@Miss Yvonne: Aggro-Smelling is something you do to pick fights in France. I wouldn't recommend it.

Belle said...

And that's why I love you Kurt!

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: Your y button is not being pressed properly. twss.

@Char: They are a little true, sometimes...okay maybe like 60/40. That was a lie too.

@Anna: Archeologists are all roguishly handsome adventurers and Anthropologists are the dirty hippies of science.

@Mona: Maybe I should mail my robe to you for detoxification. I'm pretty sure no one would notice if I walked around naked for a few weeks.

@Belle: I totally go girl!

Mona Lott said...

*snort* Okay, but what are you going to throw angrily in the mean time? I guess you could just double up on the fist shaking...

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

I so have been working since I was 13, almost every single day.

I was able to buy a lot more than Atari and stuff. I bought like trips and diamond rings for my mom and briefcases for my dad.

Captain Dumbass said...

Jesus. I read Yar's Revenge and had a seizure.

Kurt said...

@Mona: I would add some swaying because of the nudity.

@BE Girl: I had jobs too, the only difference was they were all for my dad and my payment was "Do it or else". Try taking THAT to the bank.

@Cap'n D: It was the most Pew! Pew! Pew! game ever!

Prosy said...

Your such a good sport Mr. Kurt. I regularly try to move things with my mind, just in case I've acquired the skills overnight due to an extreme thunderstorm or magnetic waves.

Maelstrom said...

I like #6 because I had a paper route when I was a kid for about 10 days and then quit because it sucked and my mom wouldn't drive my route.

Lara said...

I took an archeology class in college really early in the morning and my friend and I would sit there injecting Mountain Dew into our veins to stay awake. Then the professor would ask, "how old is this pile of dirt?" and my friend and I would look at each other and say, "I don't fucking know, old as shit?" Then we'd crack up until we cried and the professor told us to shut up. Straight As I tell you.