I mean it's not horrible like "stuffing dead animals into sacks, and the sacks are filled with bees" terrible, but it's not "Porn Movie Reviewer" or "Pop Tart© Taste Tester" either. I suppose it could be worse, but now I have to try and walk a tightrope between writing a sincere cover letter that shows off my formidable skills, and trying to sabotage the shit out of the whole process so I can still collect my unemployment. Here's what I wrote:
To Whom it Might Concern but only a little,
Hi. My name is Kurt and maybe you've heard of me because I am super-famous for all the different kinds of herpes I have. If you have heard of me, you visit the exact kind of nightclubs that I do and (*wink*) I promise not to tell your wife / beard. Hahahahha!
There's nothing wrong with exploring your options you know. It's totally natural. Like just the other day I was telling the prostitute I was beating up that if she didn't want to use safe words it was her own damn fault, but the point is I was teaching her a valuable lesson about being willing to experiment and try new things. That's what you should do. You should try new things. Like me, for instance. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I am a very reliable worker most of the time, but sometimes I have problems getting a ride to work because every machine I touch magically seizes up and can only be fixed by having it exorcised, but I don't think this will be a problem in your print shop because I plan on napping most of the day anyway(s). Also, does anyone there have a teenage daughter who is having Daddy issues and may feel neglected and/or unloved and is seeking the attention of the wrong kind of handsome, albeit herpes-infested men? I'm just asking. Don't get all huffy. You wouldn't want me to hunt you like the most dangerous kind of prey, would you? HAHAHHAHAAHA. I'm kidding, I already know where you live.
Attached you will find a resume that is probably mine, but if you're going to be all uptight and check things let me save you the trouble. Don't. Each of those references is actually a phone rigged up to a bomb that will explode when you call it, and whoops! there goes your precious factory. Maybe you ought to just put me on the payroll and call it a day.
PS: The cops will never believe you if you call them because I have bribed them in my head like millions of times, and if I've learned anything, it's that pretend bribes are way more effective than real ones.
So I think I was able to maintain the subtlety I was hoping for,but I am more than willing to listen to any feedback from my loyal readers if they think there is a better approach. And by "listen to any feedback" I mean "listen to people talk about how handsome and brilliant I am". If that's the kind of feedback you have to give than by all means. On a side note, Does anyone want a snow cone? I ran out of flavoring a while ago so now all I have is "gravy" and "pickle jar juice" flavored but still they are a bargain at $1500. Cash.