Monday, April 20, 2009

Strongarm Unemployment Tactics

I got a letter from the Unemployment People who I want to call Nazis but everyone gets all touchy when you talk about Nazis so let's just say I got a letter from the Unemployment People who may or may not have been members of the National Socialist Party in 1940. The crux of the letter is "Get a job you deadbeat fuckwad" and I'm just paraphrasing here, and then it proceded to tell me about a job I wasn't qualified for and doesn't pay enough and is an hour and half from my house , and if I don't apply for it or explain why I'm not going to apply for it, they are going to kill me. Again, I'm paraphrasing.  Maybe not kill me, but definitely make my life less full of free money, and at this juncture my portfolio of genius investments (ie: a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine and a vintage Playboy I found for a quarter at a garage sale) may not be enough to get me by without some assistance, so now I pretty much have to apply to this horrible job. 

I mean it's not horrible like "stuffing dead animals into sacks, and the sacks are filled with bees" terrible, but it's not  "Porn Movie Reviewer" or "Pop Tart© Taste Tester" either.  I suppose it could be worse, but now I have to try and walk a tightrope between writing a sincere cover letter that shows off my formidable skills, and trying to sabotage the shit out of the whole process so I can still collect my unemployment. Here's what I wrote:

To Whom it Might Concern but only a little,

Hi. My name is Kurt and maybe you've heard of me because I am super-famous for all the different kinds of herpes I have.  If you have heard of me, you visit the exact kind of nightclubs that I do and (*wink*) I promise not to tell your wife / beard. Hahahahha!  

There's nothing wrong with exploring your options you know. It's totally natural. Like just the other day I was telling the prostitute I was beating up that if she didn't want to use safe words it was her own damn fault, but the point is I was teaching her a valuable lesson about being willing to experiment and try new things. That's what you should do. You should try new things. Like me, for instance. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

I am a very reliable worker most of the time, but sometimes I have problems getting a ride to work because every machine I touch magically seizes up and can only be fixed by having it exorcised, but I don't think this will be a problem in your print shop because I plan on napping most of the day anyway(s). Also, does anyone there have a teenage daughter who is having Daddy issues and may feel neglected and/or unloved and is seeking the attention of the wrong kind of handsome, albeit herpes-infested men? I'm just asking. Don't get all huffy. You wouldn't want me to hunt you like the most dangerous kind of prey, would you? HAHAHHAHAAHA. I'm kidding, I already know where you live.

Attached you will find a resume that is probably mine, but if you're going to be all uptight and check things let me save you the trouble. Don't. Each of those references is actually a phone rigged up to a bomb that will explode when you call it, and whoops! there goes your precious factory. Maybe you ought to just put me on the payroll and call it a day.

Love,
Kurt

PS: The cops will never believe you if you call them because I have bribed them in my head like millions of times, and if I've learned anything, it's that pretend bribes are way more effective than real ones.


So I think I was able to maintain the subtlety I was hoping for,but I am more than willing to listen to any feedback from my loyal readers if they think there is a better approach.  And by "listen to any feedback" I mean "listen to people talk about how handsome and brilliant I am". If that's the kind of feedback you have to give than by all means. On a side note, Does anyone want a snow cone? I ran out of flavoring a while ago so now all I have is "gravy" and "pickle jar juice" flavored but still they are a bargain at $1500. Cash.

25 comments:

Ms. Salti said...

I will totally buy one of your snow cones. Anything to keep you from actually getting a job. I'm here for you man!

Kristine said...

I was going to edit this for you, but I was distracted by your good looks and brilliance.
Sorry. Good luck with the job though. I'm sure that'll get your "foot" in the "door."

TMC said...

Because I care and think that any interview would do a world of good for your obvious self-esteem issues, I'm going to point out the "your" error in the final paragraph. I mean, being seen as a perv is one thing but you wouldn't want them to think that you're grammatically challenged. :)

Anna Russell said...

Note to self: Don't read this again when you need to pee because some may come out and that's just nasty.

Also, you should get a job as a dead hooker get-ridder-ofer.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wow, Kurt. Bravo. I would totally do the slow clap right now if it weren't so played out. Instead I'm doing the slow armpit fart, which starts out gentle and puttery, and builds into a frenzied cacophony of pltthhhts, my bent arm flapping at the speed of a hummingbird's wing in its passionate tribute to this post.

I liked it.

HappyHourSue said...

Silly, silly, silly Kurt. You don't need a job. You need ads on your site. Know how much I made last month from my BlogHer ads? Guess.

Wrong. $61. Problem solved, you're welcome.

Prosy said...

I cut payroll at work this morning. I put you on it.

Kurt said...

@Ms. Salti: Hey Thanks, I also have "mustard" flavored.

@Kristine: Everyone needs to pay attention to your comment, because you did it right.

@TMC: I don't know what you're talking about, and no I didn't just go back and fix it.

@Anna Russell: Pee-laughing is a magical compliment. It's like asking for a quarter and getting a blowjob. I have no idea what that even means. Hey look! I can juggle! (*slide whistle*)

@SMU, Kid: I am so honored and I can see how blotchy your armpit is getting so you can stop now and also all that sweat is kinda gross and it's making the armpit farts sound a little sharty. Best comment ever.

Anna Lefler said...

Dude, you should be teaching at our elementary school. I'm quite sure you'd be principal within two weeks, tops. After that, I believe you get the title of "King." (I need to confirm that last bit, FYI.)

Awesome blog.

:^) Anna

Nikki said...

I would hire you off of that cover letter alone except I don't have any authority to do so and that is probably a good thing because I would hire solely on a persons ability to make me laugh and not on their importance to national security and all that garbage.

That Baldy Fella said...

Hey, have you been digging through my bins again for my old correspondence?

Mama Dawg said...

Shit, I just found you and I love you already you handsome and talented fool!

Kurt said...

@Prosy: Thanks Prosy! Now about what I'm willing to do...think of everything in the world. Then subtracting everything except scratching myself and napping. Cool?

@Anna:Hey! Welcome! I would make a great teacher if the subjects we were studying included "hiding from the cops" and "advanced Ponzi Schemes"

@Nikki: Thanks Nikki.I appreciate the sentiment. I'm not a risk to national security...I AM national security. (*A-Team Theme*)

@Baldy: This was actually a modified version of that love letter you sent me. You're my muse.

@Mama Dawg: Welcome! and Well done! I liked the "handsome and talented" part.

Dejoni said...

I think I need you to run my new strip club, Tits and Grits. You up for the job? LOL!

sour said...

i think i would actually enjoy a snow-cone made from pickle juice.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Just staple one of your home-made business cards to that letter, and it is money!

If you have Aunt Jemima® flavored, I'm there.

Soda and Candy said...

You are utterly handsome and brilliant, and you should parlay this blog into a six-figure book deal STAT.

Redneck Mommy said...

It's hard for me to think of a witty response while my eyes are bleeding from all the blue.

Kurt. Buddy. Pal. What do I have to do to get you to change templates. I mean, you sit around all damn day looking at porn. It's not like you don't have the time...

Don't make me bombard you with boob shots.

Miss Yvonne said...

You should totally be teaching resume' writing in a high school somewhere. This shit is important to know and NO ONE IS TEACHING IT.

P.S. Is there a ' after the e in resume? I'm pretty sure there is, but I figure I'd ask you because you are about to be teacher and all.

Char said...

just another reason to love Alabama. :) all the jobs here suck too - ok, all the available jobs that they will never hire me for because I'm overqualified for.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Maybe a condom tester? That job would have to have porn wouldn't it?

The Jules said...

Gravy, you say . . .

The Jules said...

P.S. Condom testing is all right, but you have to work a week in hand.

Belle said...

Kurt. I am happy to act as a reference for you. Give them my telephone number. It is 0044171079032. Tell them you worked for me when you were travelling through Europe on horseback to raise money for herpes-infested hookers. That would look very impressive on your resume?
Of course that isn't my fucking telephone number! I can't believe you actually tried it out.

Mona Lott said...

Careful. If you make them laugh that hard, they just might hire you out of spite!

Fucking shit, over an hour away. I think you should just spell like shit in your cover letter, and use the wrong tenses, and too many commas, and OOOOOH! Use "like" a lot... Write like a douche, and hopefully you'll end up on the bottom:D ORRRR! Use electric piss yellow paper for the resume', and hopefully they'll think you're far too pushy and don't understand the subtleties of the "getting noticed" strategy! YEAH!

And you're very handsome:D