Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Run-In With Hattori Hanzo

So this was waiting for me in my inbox last week and it came from Miss Yvonne who totally understands the importance of a good "Your Mom" joke and also gets that whenever someone is super-handsome and a genius and probably has some personnal hygiene issues, but so what because of the handsome part, that you should be in a constant state of giving them awards. And so she did and she even dissed Hattori Hanzo so that's extra awesome and..

Hattori Hanzo: I don't think people still say "dissed".
Me: Of course they do! Like the Beastie Boys! "Walk straight up to your face and dissed you! Bacha-Waaah!"
Hattori Hanzo: That's from Paul's Boutique in like 1988.
Me: Still a valid sentiment.
Hattori Hanzo: No, it's not. And why would you want to diss me anyway(s)?
Me: Because you never rinse out the sink after you shave.
Hattori Hanzo: That's you.
Me: Because you forgot your Mom's birthday.
Hattori Hanzo: Also you.
Me: Because you can't spell "zombie apocalypse" right on the first try.
Hattori Hanzo: Still you.
Me: Because you hate splinters.
Hattori Hanzo: You. And that make's no sense.
Me: Your Mom makes no sense.
Hattori Hanzo: I have no Mom.
Me: See? You disavow your family. You're such a pudknocker.
Hattori Hanzo: A what?
Me: A pudknocker. 
Hattori Hanzo: You're reverting to 8th grade. I think it's time for your nap.
Me: Never! Death to tyrants!
Hattori Hanzo: Seriously buddy. Just settle down, you're flaring your nostrils menacingly.
Me: Sic Semper tyrannis!
Hattori Hanzo: Okay...just put down the milk jug.
Me: Aaaaaaaarrrgghh! (*crashing sound*)
Hattori Hanzo: Holy crap! Are you okay?
Me: Wow. Where am I?
Hattori Hanzo: You're on the floor in the kitchen. You swung the milk jug at my head, but missed, got tangled in the fan cords, and fell on your ass.
Me: I'm sorry.
Hattori Hanzo: That's okay. Naptime?
Me: Yeah I think it is.
Hattori Hanzo: Let me help you up.
Me: Sucker!
Hattori Hanzo: Ow! Goddamnit! Where did you get a Darth Maul Pez dispenser?
Me: Hahahahahaaha! Eat Pez Fuckwit! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Hattori Hanzo: I'm bleeding.
Me: (*running around in circles*) I am the Champion! No Time For Looooosers! Cuz I am the Champion...of the worrrrllldddd!
Hattori Hanzo: Where do you keep the bandaids?
Me: (*panting*) In your Mom!
Hattori Hanzo: I kinda hate you right now.
Me: Diplomatic Immunity!!!


Vic said...

I am stealing 'pudknocker', even though I have no clue what it means. I'm going to use it on my boss first, and see if he knows.

I will trade you your Darth Maul pez dispenser for my Carrot Top pez dispenser.

Lisa Brandos said...

I was trying to figure out where my husband learned to be an annoying 12-year-old that I kinda hate from time-to-time. Now, I am aware. And. Afraid. But seriously, that's some funny shtuff.

That Baldy Fella said...

When Vic's not looking, I'm stealing the word "pudknocker" off her. Then she'll be about to use it in a sentence and just air will come out causing a confused expression to cross her face whilst I snicker behind my hand like a cartoon naughty schoolboy (I may even say "yoink" when I steal it).

Kurt said...

@Vic: I won't say what "pudknocker" means because I am a gentleman. The Boss plan is a good one, though. He'll tell you, I bet.

@Lisa: We all must nurture our in Hattori Hanzo, otherwise we end up as pedophiles. True story.

@Baldy: "Yoink" makes everything okay. In fact, I'm pretty sure you can steal anything and not get in trouble if you say "yoink". It's a lot like "Diplomatic Immunity!!" that way.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I was never allowed to listen to the Beastie Boys . . . or Run DMC, for that matter. But I did enjoy the image of you flailing about in your kitchen (in your dirty bathrobe, I presume).

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahaha! Only you would make your alter ego the polite one.

More awards for the ruggedly handsome and oddly bearded (allegedly)!!!!

Anna Russell said...

Leave Hattori alone you pair of bullies! I'll have you know he's great in bed.

Also, I want a Darth Maul Pez dispenser so badly I think I might pee.

Just LD said...

Just snorted cole slaw. There's cabbage coming out of my nose. Shut up, I am SO a lady.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I saw you on Evil Nick's page.
You are hysterical!
(Or an idiot savante...I can't decide...)

But I was really laughing reading your last post as well...

I'm going to e-mail you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You get all the stompy awards! *Tantrum kick*

Char said...

ok - you finally made me laugh with this guy. he sounds vaguely... like...well, me.

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: You should give Paul's Boutique a try now, if for no other reason than to add Bacha-Waaah! to your list of sound effects.

@Mona: Don't say allegedly, I hear enough of that in Pedophilia court.

@Anna: Hattori is blushing and holding his hands like a foot apart and winking and acting goofy now.

@Just LD: Ouch. Cabbage Passed Kid.

@Sweet Cheeks: I like the "savant" makes me sound classy and maybe French.

@SMU, Kid: You get the windmill arms, I get the stompy...we talked about this in the custody hearing.

@Char: Finally!

Miss Yvonne said...

Hattori is a jealous bitch. You can tell him I said that, I don't even care.

Kristine said...

My friend and I say "your mom" whenever people piss us off. But it's usually in our heads, and with mind bullets to each other, because no one else would think it was funny. Or mature. But it's totally both. We also speak to each other in British accents. Someone should give us a fucking award for that shit because we even work it into our emails, ok? And you can't lie. That's impressive.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Haha. I made fun of you and Hattori in a blog of mine.

I mean really. Who could resist?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I kicked your blog in the balls while it wasn't looking.


Soda and Candy said...

I always sing We Are the Champions as "I am the Champion"

I feel so close to you right now!!! Not in a creepy blog-stalking way... well maybe a little bit.