Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Really. Just Don't.

I want you all to be aware of something. I have absolutely zero agenda or plan going into this post so pretty much it's anybody's guess where I'll end up. I'd like to think that this kind of non-planning will lead to a magical fairy story about humping unicorns, but I sorta doubt it. Usually what happens is I end up writing about peeing in the shower or something. 

The thing is, I have all these three word phrases in my head and I don't know which one is worth chasing down. There's "Biting Girl Scouts" because I was thinking about how funny it would be to just randomly bite someone. Like not hard or anything ...Just enough to shake them up a little and that's probably because I've been watching too many Swedish Vampire and Japanese Zombie movies lately and I've got biting on the brain. And then I was thinking about what would be the best target demographic to bite for no reason and for whatever reason Girl Scouts came to mind, and maybe that says something about me, but what are you Dr. Freud? I'm not your psychiatric hypothesis! I also thought about biting old people, but then I thought they would just taste gross.

And just now I got a text message asking me what I was up to, and I wrote back "working on a pointless clog" because my stupid cell phone always replaces words with what it thinks I mean and so "me" becomes "of" and "blog" becomes "clog" and because my fingers aren't agile I claimed at one point that someone was "muffing of" instead of "hugging me" and I never go back and check to see that what I typed was correct, so I'm pretty much untrainable and I should get started on a fabulous career of not texting people for a living. Also sometimes I forget to turn it off "letter-by-letter" mode and I send text messages that look like this "Wgw apd wmt pm pdww*?" and then I hit send and I still don't know how to stop a message once I've hit send, so pretty much that employer thinks I'm an idiot. But he is so wrong that I could just barf.

How is this going do you think? Yeah. That's what I thought too.

Another topic I wanted to touch on was how I've decided to replace my anti-psychotics with Pez© because if anti-psychotics were also strawberry flavored and chewable maybe I would spend less time digging holes with my hands under my front porch so that I could grab the demon who keeps leaving stuff in my mailbox. Sure, you would think it was just the postman, but there was a movie once that said "The Postman always Rings Twice" and since movies are my best friends and never lie to me especially if they star Will Smith as a man on the outside of something and he says "Oh Helll No!" before he punches / shoots / ejaculates on someone, I feel I have to dig a bunker under my porch to stop that phoney-baloney mailman imposter because he doesn't ring at all. And what would happen is, just as he starts to put the mail in my box (twss!), I would be all "Oh Helllll No!" and then I would ejaculate on him. Except it isn't the mailman, it's my landlord. Again. more Pez© for medication.

Writing posts is easy!


FrankandMary said...

The National Society for the Protection of Innocent Unicorns will be paying this blog a visit.

The National Society Entrusted with Keeping Girl Scouts Unbitten will be paying this blog a visit.

The National Society to Protect the rest of us from the Insane Who Want to Become the Unmedicated Insane will be paying this blog a visit.

Writing comments is easy! ~Mary

Sweet Cheeks said...

The National Society for Mailbox Bimbos and Bashers is proud to welcome you as our newest member! A bailbondsman will visit you shortly.

The National Society for Pez Dispensers is immediately withdrawing it's offer for you to be our poster child.

The National Society of Will Smith Fetishism will be sending you the newest season of 'Will Gone Wild - The Mailbox Edition'

Frank and Mary Totally Kick Ass!

patty said...

Fr5%da weucbh a gejay!

For reals!

Anna Russell said...

I want to be muffed off by Will Smith. That will be all.

Michelle said...

Ok, since I naturally assume my starter packet is in the mail, then I read this post about how your afraid of your mailman so how could it be on its way??? So, what should I do? Just comment willy nilly? I can do willy nilly but I want to make sure you don't laugh at me.

Tell me where you live, I can come by and pick up the starter packet!!! I can bring girl scout cookies if you want!!!

Frankenfinger said...

I text my wife, telling her that my boss was an "ignorant fucktard" and when I hit send...
it was his number.
The phone companies need to work on a, “send interrupt and retrieve button. “

I got fired.

Miss Yvonne said...

Please please please tell me which Will Smith movie has him ejaculating on someone because I've got Netflix cued up and I'm ready to rent that bitch!

Vic said...

That text was cruel, because now your friend thinks you've found gainful employment as a shoemaker. Clogs ARE pointless, however. All the clippity-cloppity everywhere. Why?

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Now I can't get the image of VonDiesel as a vampire with fangs and blood dripping from his mouth out of my head.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Is VonDiesel the Dutch mega-action star?

Rachel said...

I hate it when my cell phone censors me. I can often be seen standing on the sidewalk screaming at my Blackberry about my first amendment rights, and how I am tired of it making me look like an asshole.

I could try to squeeze into my old Brownie uniform if you want to bite a girl scout *and* avoid prison...

Kurt said...

@Mary: It would seem that way with the careless effort you just rocked them out with.

@Sweet Cheeks: Nicely played.

@Patty: JMJ!

@Anna Russell: I don't remember writing anything about muffing OFF anyone. That's where you dirty mind went. I don't know what it means but I'm guessing it's not PG-13

@Michelle: You just want to get bit. Nice try.

@Frankenfinger: They really need a message erasing, "Oh fuck!" button on these things.

@Miss Yvonne: I may have been projecting a little. Projecting a little ejaculate! Wakka-wakka-wakka! (*slide whistle*)

@Vic: None of my friends would ever make the mistake of thinking I'd found employment. That's a rookie mistake.

@Nate's Mom: It's "Let The Right One In" and I'm addicted to it, like filthy Hobbit porn. Wait...did I just type that?

@SMU,Kid: Porn star. Uses Heavy machinery. Nasty.

TishTash said...

Pez dispensers taught me how to neck. In my past life as a greaser.

Mona Lott said...

I'm gonna go ahead and find someone to reprogram me now, as I just had a whole dirty little side thing going on in which I might have been a girl scout... For Kip's sake, man, I need help.

Anna Russell said...

I have no idea what it means either, but it got stuck in my head and I added an F. Then I went to my happy place. You should patent the Pez anti-psychotics and give me some, that might help.

Captain Dumbass said...

Do you think Girl Scouts would taste like their cookies? I'd go cannibal for that.

(that first sentence will probably land me in jail and since I doubt I'll have internet access I just wanted to tell you I've really enjoyed reading your blog)

Kurt said...

@TishTash; We don't use "neck" as a verb enough.

@Mona: Perv. Which is why we're friends of course.

@Anna Russell: Your happy place stars Will Smith. oh Hellll No!


sour said...

can i have some pezzes?

fingers said...

OK, I see what's going on.
You're a delusional messiah and you sent Sweet Cheeks van Houten over to my place with her sandwich-board on a recruiting drive.
Fine by me; who's the intended victim...

On the Verge said...

Orange pez lets you walk on water.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Biting Girl Guides. Just. Don't.