Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pointless Letter of Complaint

Dear Today,

You suck. I've been sitting here starting posts for like 10 hours now trying to think of something funny to write about but all I can come up with is more jokes about cat antidepressants and the google keyword search "toothless bowljob" that somehow linked to my blog but nothing is coming out right (twss) and I don't even know what a bowljob is but it sounds kind of stupid and more like something a desperate kid trying to get into a fraternity would try, like filling a bowl with something gross and then doing something really gross with the gross contents of the gross bowl, but I was never in a fraternity and the only experience I have with them is when we used to go to their parties at the Rochester Institute of Technology when I was a lot younger. And the highlight of those was when the deaf people who lived next door would have super loud grunty sex and the whole party would come roaring to a halt as 200 people listened to the deaf girl come real loud because she had no idea how noisy she was being because she couldn't hear herself and the fraternity brothers would all cheer and the girls at the party would all look embarrassed and I would try my best moves on no one because we were underage, but in my head I was picking up women left and right and what a stud I am. But really I was just a dork listening to Angry Deaf Sex and nursing a cheap cup of bad beer. I also don't now what "toothless" has to do with anything.  I think if I had to do something gross out of a bowl, not having teeth wouldn't really help or hinder me in any way. So on top of not being funny, today I am confused.

And the other keyword search I'm wondering about is "Glitter powder disco balls story" which I don't remember writing but if I did it would be about a guy who wanted to impress his girlfriend so he glued glitter to his privates and when they were getting intimate he whipped his underpants down and shined a halogen light on himself and did a little twirl for that "Saturday Night Fever on my ball sack" look, but then he got tangled in the cord and swooped too low and touched the super hot halogen bulb to his shiny naughty-bits and then he screamed like a girl and ran around in circles waving his hand in front of his junk like he was a Southern Belle with "The vapors*" and the girl wasn't impressed but just kind of sat back and realized she wasn't going to be getting any which was okay because really this guy is kind of an idiot, and the whole time he's still running around and fanning himself and the sparkle lights are shining all over the room just like a real disco and then "Staying Alive" starts playing and the audience laughs super hard. Because testicle jokes are always the funniest.

So in conclusion, Today. You still suck and I still have nothing to write about and I wish I could think of something and also for a hot pretzel because I haven't had one in like a year and I'm craving. But guess what, Today? No fucking pretzels anywhere in the house. You are such an asshole.


ps: "Asshole" is such a funny word it's ridiculous.

* I also just learned that "the vapors" was turn-of-the-century code for menstruating and I have totally misused the term but it's funny so it stays. 


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Today must totally be on her vapors and ran out of tampons and is using my super-absorbent good mood instead. Later she'll leave it in the toilet and forget to flush. Such an asshole.

Mama Dawg said...

I agree that today sucked.

I feel at such a loss for words regarding your posts. I love them and they are hysterical, but not laugh out loud funny, more like...dude, this guy's really fuckin' clever but how many people do I know that would get him.

Shit, now I sound like you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Kurt's a treasure, he is. Anyone you know that doesn't get him isn't worth knowing, in my opinion.

Anna Russell said...

Today was trying to give you a toothles bowljob, but on account of you not knowing what one is and therefore not realising, you spurned her advances. Now she's pissed.

Vic said...

"Whipped his underpants down" is my favorite line. Because, how seductive is that! It's like "Ta Da!" and then things get really hot, but only in the wrong way, and that's why halogen bulbs should be outlawed.

(I only laugh out loud at you ten or eleven times per post...)

Char said...

I want a hot pretzel now too. thanks

Mr Farty said...

This blog is so educational!

Also, a bowl job is when your mom cuts your hair b/c she can't afford to take you to the hairdresser...

I just remembered the time my hairdresser asked me if I wanted a blowjob, then went all red with embarrassment. I bet she meant a bowl job. Or not.

RebmaEiram said...

This is just plain funny. Although, being a Southern Belle myself (*snort*), I should be annoyed at your interesting word picture you painted, but I was laughing too hard to get upset.

Dana's Brain said...

The disco ball image is the best.Ever.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

The vapors meant menstruation?! Really?!! Very cool.

And I think butthole is hilariouser than asshole. Sorry to disagree...

Peggy said...

I guess I missed the part where super loud grunty deaf sex turned into angry deaf sex...you seem to go all the way up to eleven...I haven't gotten there yet.

Carolyn...Online said...

You'd think the deaf girl wouldn't have gone to all that trouble to moan and groan for the deaf sex guy because he's deaf too and the moaning and groaning is only to convince the guy that you're having a fine time and he can go ahead and finish all that nonsense now. Right?

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: Is this about girl stuff? Because I don't know anything about girl stuff or what a super-flame retardant Maxicopter is or whatever you just said.

@Mama Dawg: Maybe I've just got so much finesse it's confusing. I'm very tricky.

@SMU,Kid (again): You're right, I'm like a Blood Diamond only way fewer people were cruelly subjugated to harvest me. Just my Mom and Dad. And all they had to do was fuck. Also, Thanks Sugar.

@Anna Russell: Maybe she shouldn't send me mixed signals then.

@Vic: Aw. Thanks, Toots. My friends are good.

@Char: Pandas and Hot pretzels fix everything

@Mr. F.: Maybe she did and maybe she didn't hair dressers are tricky because no matter what you ask for, Fuck you. You'll get what they like.

@Rebma: Hey Amber! I think I was nice to Southern Belles. But what do I know. I was so ripped I don't even remember writing this.

@Dana's Brain: Thank you, Milady.

@Mary: "hilariouser" is better than either one.

@Peggy: How much more stupid can I get? None more stupid.

@Carolyn: We didn't actually do a deconstruction of her performance after. Just a bunch of beer bongs.

Brandy Rose said...

I think glitter covered balls would be such a sweet gesture...in theory.

Ms. Salti said...

Once again, laughing my ass off. You kill me!

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Hahaha, at least the RIT frat parties sound better than the MIT parties I went to. I always got stuck with some geeky water polo player, even though my friends always reminded me to check for the black reeboks.

Miss Yvonne said...

This is the longest post ever about not having anything to write a post about.

Also, your mom is a bowljob.

Mona Lott said...

Some of my favorite posts are the ones claiming they're about nothing... You sir, are a very funny man (treasure! Aaaaawe:D But it's true. And the laughing is almost always out loud. Psh.)

Jillian said...

Wait, are you serious about the vapors? I always just thought that meant "faint?"

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: "In theory" is the critical part of that comment.

@Ms.Salti: I'm sorry I unhinged your glutes.

@Nate's Mom: Yeah! Those guys were lame! (*unlaces Black Reeboks*)

@Miss Yvonne: I like to give you exactly what you pay for. (twss)

@Mona: Aw. Thanks,M. You always are the best laugher.

@Jillian:I think so. I looked it up once and it said so. And this was on the INTERNET so you KNOW it's true.