You suck. I've been sitting here starting posts for like 10 hours now trying to think of something funny to write about but all I can come up with is more jokes about cat antidepressants and the google keyword search "toothless bowljob" that somehow linked to my blog but nothing is coming out right (twss) and I don't even know what a bowljob is but it sounds kind of stupid and more like something a desperate kid trying to get into a fraternity would try, like filling a bowl with something gross and then doing something really gross with the gross contents of the gross bowl, but I was never in a fraternity and the only experience I have with them is when we used to go to their parties at the Rochester Institute of Technology when I was a lot younger. And the highlight of those was when the deaf people who lived next door would have super loud grunty sex and the whole party would come roaring to a halt as 200 people listened to the deaf girl come real loud because she had no idea how noisy she was being because she couldn't hear herself and the fraternity brothers would all cheer and the girls at the party would all look embarrassed and I would try my best moves on no one because we were underage, but in my head I was picking up women left and right and what a stud I am. But really I was just a dork listening to Angry Deaf Sex and nursing a cheap cup of bad beer. I also don't now what "toothless" has to do with anything. I think if I had to do something gross out of a bowl, not having teeth wouldn't really help or hinder me in any way. So on top of not being funny, today I am confused.
And the other keyword search I'm wondering about is "Glitter powder disco balls story" which I don't remember writing but if I did it would be about a guy who wanted to impress his girlfriend so he glued glitter to his privates and when they were getting intimate he whipped his underpants down and shined a halogen light on himself and did a little twirl for that "Saturday Night Fever on my ball sack" look, but then he got tangled in the cord and swooped too low and touched the super hot halogen bulb to his shiny naughty-bits and then he screamed like a girl and ran around in circles waving his hand in front of his junk like he was a Southern Belle with "The vapors*" and the girl wasn't impressed but just kind of sat back and realized she wasn't going to be getting any which was okay because really this guy is kind of an idiot, and the whole time he's still running around and fanning himself and the sparkle lights are shining all over the room just like a real disco and then "Staying Alive" starts playing and the audience laughs super hard. Because testicle jokes are always the funniest.
So in conclusion, Today. You still suck and I still have nothing to write about and I wish I could think of something and also for a hot pretzel because I haven't had one in like a year and I'm craving. But guess what, Today? No fucking pretzels anywhere in the house. You are such an asshole.
ps: "Asshole" is such a funny word it's ridiculous.
* I also just learned that "the vapors" was turn-of-the-century code for menstruating and I have totally misused the term but it's funny so it stays.