Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The One Where I Insult Your Mom and Become BFFs with the Unemployment Office


I have no idea what's happening to my life. One minute I'm all repeling off cliffs and breaking up international underage sex slave rings and I'm all cool and wicked and awesome. And probably the most respected in the western hemisphere if not the world, and the next I'm standing in the shower and yelling "Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck you!" and I'm giving the scalding water the finger and that seems totally rational because this goddamn shower has been pushing it's luck for a few weeks now and it turns out if you take a shower for longer than 7 minutes the shower gets all psychotic like Glenn Close when she boiled the bunny, and is that reference even any good anymore? Like... it seems like a cliche. Forget I said that. It's psychotic like your mom is when she's been quaffing qualude and Jim Beam cocktails behind a dumpster for like an hour while waiting to go on stage in the "Saggy Baggy Elephant Book Reading and Striptease review". 

I had no idea that was going to happen. Please accept my apologies.

Your Mom did. 

Last night.

The other part of my life that is spiralling out of control is  all this stupid mail I keep getting from the Unemployment Office. Jesus. Are we BFFs all the sudden or what? Because I've always wanted a bff I could talk to for long hours on the phone and laugh at people with and tell dirty jokes to. You think you got what it takes, Unemployment Office? Because I don't.

Look, Unemployment Office, I like you... you've got a good heart and you give me free money, but if  you haven't figured out that I'm just using you, than you need to take a step back and examine your own issues. I'm not your goddamn analyst, Unemployment Office.  You need to stop sending me letters every other day on your urgently colored papers. Fucking Purple doesn't convey your messages with any more Oomph than white does. I can read, is my point, Unemployment Office. Stop treating me like a goddamn child.  

And then I do a little Ricky Roma impression from GlenGarry Glen Ross and I say "You'd know if you ever spent a day in your life.You fucking child. "and I call the Unemployment Office a "cunt" and then I laugh because that's a funny thing to say to the Unemployment Office because I'M the one never spending a day in his life, unless you count writing hate mail to the shower, which occupies at least four hours of my day now and I could probably list as a part-time job if I had a resume that wasn't written on Crayola Magic Paper© with "3D Explosion!©" markers and features an alien hijacking a racecar so it's pretty much raping your eyes with how cool it is.

Stupid Shower.

19 comments:

Anna Russell said...

Your mom's an unemployment office. Hehehe. I said "mom". And you said "cunt". Go you!

Why do these people get to decide what colour urgent is?

Kat said...

DId you just throw a your mom joke in the middle of your post. Oh wait. Yes, yes you did.

Miss Yvonne said...

Unemployment Office is always sending shit to our house, too. What the hell, Unemployment Office? Way to spread yourself thin.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

My mother did MUCH worse than that. Believe me.

Rachel said...

1. Fatal Attraction references will never go out of style. If it was possible, my Facebook relationship status would read: "searching for attractive married man with pet bunny"

2. If the unemployment office sends you either a birthday or christmas greeting AND they are the only ones to do so....wow, that would be sad.

Nikki said...

I want some crayola magic paper. But I don't want anything 3d because that pretty much throws me into a PTSD phase and I can't seem to fight my way back to reality. Damn Jurassic Park ride at Universal. Bull shit.

TishTash said...

Could you stop with the underage sex slave ring breaking? I finally broke into the Southeast Asian market and how much do you think it cost me to replace the ones I had to pitch overboard? If you answer "nothing because you kidnapped them" you'd be right, but it's the principle of the thing.

Chelle said...

Hm. You seem a little stressed.

Char said...

seriously - figure out how to be a resident of Alabama - we suffer no such hell

Mona Lott said...

Man. I haven't seen Glengarry Glen Ross in FORFUCKINGEVER, and now it's telling me to come back later!

*super sad panda*

Mona Lott said...

Okay, it's working again.

I love that movie. *sigh*

Frankenfinger said...

Aint nut'en like a Pacino rant.

That shower of yours is an asshole! I have a retaining wall that wont stand up.
You ever heard of a thing called... Criss-Cross?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

My Irish stink-eye serves a secondary purpose of repelling unwanted resume rape attempts. Just as your resume wriggles its way in there...SLUICE!! The evil stink of long-held resentment, sheep, and whiskey pew pewed over the place. And no amount of crayola paper or fancy markers can cover it up. Consider your resume warned.

Lori said...

You used the wrong word. I won't point it out because I know just what a super genius you are. Just look right near the top.
Other than that?Double fingergun pew pews for you, Pharaoh.

Captain Dumbass said...

Wow. My kids are SO stealthy. Not sure how I'm going to explain the kids yelling "cunt" at me next time their mad. Thanks, Kurt.

As far as Glenn Close goes, I still drop an "I won't be ignored, Alex!" but nobody ever gets it. Fools.

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: Ourange is much more threatening if you ask me. (I'm just trying to fit in)

@Kat: My Blog and Mom Jokes. Two great tastes that taste great together.

@Miss Yvonne: Now that I know it's two-timing me I feel a little less stressed.

@Mary: That's what she said.

@Rachel: Good to know my eighties references have at least one supporter. Also, if I'm still unemployed at Christmas I hope I get a noose for my special day.

@Nikki:Hahaha.

@TishTash: I have to find my new harem girls somewhere else? Sheesh!

@Chelle: That shower really pushes my buttons is all. (twss.)

@Char: Too Many Teeth. :)

@Mona: Pandas fix everything.

@Frankenfinger: I'm with you...totally. Send me your address

@SMU, Kid: You can't scare off my awesome pretend resume with a little sluicing. It's used to being soaked in tears and urine.

@Lori: I was wondering about that one. But not enough to...you know... look it up.

Pop and Ice said...

My shower does that, too. Do you suppose it's a conspiracy? I'm really tired of being scalded because I'm blonde and fair skinned it kind of leaves marks. And nobody seems to believe it's the shower...

Michelle said...

I kinda like scalding hot showers in the morning. Gets my stuff flowing and going ya know?

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