Sunday, April 19, 2009

The One Where I Don't Write About Coke Zero©

I've been trying to write this hysterical post about how a Coke Zero© tried to kill me this weekend and I've tried a bunch of different ways and it's not working so once again you are going to get the shaft and I'm going to talk about nothing again. Win/Win. 

See what happened is I was drinking a Coke Zero© and I choked on it and I kept coughing for like 2 hours, so the idea was that a Coke Zero© was trying to kill me and I would talk about how it thought it was such a bad EmEffer because it had a black label, which is totally racist by the way, and Coke Zero© should grow the fuck up and realize we are all brothers and sisters no matter what the color of our skin is or whatever it is people who are being self-righteous about racial equality say. And just because you gave to the World Wildlife Fund doesn't mean you support racial equality, Coke Zero©! And don't give me that shit about pandas being black AND white and that's how you are showing your belief in unity, because we both no that's just a coincidence. But Pandas are badass and fix everything. So maybe you HAVE learned your lesson.

And then the Coke Zero would get all up in my grill* and threaten me and I'd be like "Step off*, Coke Zero©! I will fuck your shit up, yo*!" and then we'd stand there doing that weird "heads-too-close-together-so-it-looks-like-we're-gonna-kiss" thing, but we're NOT gonna kiss because Coke Zero© and I are mortal enemies now and at the end of that face thing part I bob my head at it and it flinches back, so I win the face fighting part.  And then it makes a shooty finger thing at me but it holds the gun sideways so you know that it's super-street, and no I don't know how a bottle can have hands to make threatening gestures with, but this one totally does and this whole thing takes place in a garage where there are some sweet Honda Civics being worked on and there are non-descript tools laying around and maybe Coke Zero© would find me in one of those blue, car-guy jumpsuits that are all grease-stained and has my name in the white oval over the left pocket only instead of "Kurt" it says "Lightning" or something cool. And sure maybe I built this garage from the ground up using only the sweat of my brow and my insane street racing skills, but that doesn't mean I want criminals like the attempted murderer Coke Zero© in my shop. That's just whack*, yo.

And then it comes time for the big race-off and Coke Zero© is there with all it's badass contemporaries like the new Pepsi and all those aggressive sounding energy drinks that run around all spazzy and with their eyes popped out and Coke Zero© is leaning against the hood and taunting me as I walk past but I just ignore him because me and my posse are too cool, and we're also probably walking in slow motion and the reflection from the starter lights are all in my sunglasses and yeah I'm wearing sunglasses at night, so what? and also probably chewing a tooth pick. And Selma Hayek is there because she has great cans but really I respect her for her awesome skills as a mechanic and I wonder how she gets those massive boobs under a low-rider on that scooter-dolly thing, but that's not my problem because I'm just the driver and all I do is drive to win. And today you are going down you horrible felon, Coke Zero©.

I'm really glad I didn't write about that though. Because it was stupid. In related news, I think it's funny to turn the new Pepsi logo into an overweight fat guy with his belly button showing.
(see illustration)



* These are all "street" words, so I don't know what they mean or if they are current or what, but I'm guessing not since I know them and the closest I've been to the street is when I watched that re-run of "Boyz in the Hood" a couple months ago.  But otherwise I'm totally legit, yo!

UPDATE: You can find more hysterical stuff from me over at Mama Pop! Lucky You!

30 comments:

Chelle said...

If I were the president of the world, I'd appoint diet pepsi as my main sinister minister.

Also, the dolly test is the main test for "real ones or fake ones?". If Selma's are real, they'll morph into her armpit a little when she goes under the car. If they're fake, she'd better watch out for pointy engine parts... like the knife ratchet or Fergus Claw, which all honda civics have in spades. Also, she's breastfeed a stranger's baby. She's like a milk wagon for starving stranger's babies, so make sure you check under the car for foundlings.

Mona Lott said...

TOOOOOOOO Legit. Too legit to QUIT! Yo! And stuff.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how you think that Coke®'s contribution to the WWF (not wrestling, duh) is saving pandas, and then I realize that maybe all you know about the WWF is their cute little panda logo. Mystery solved.

Hey, I know an 11-year-old boy whose brain works just like yours. Frightening.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

How she gets her boobs under a low rider on that scooter thingy: Boob slime.

My post just tapped your post on the shoulder and whispered that, then they skipped away together holding hands. Then your post pistol whipped my post behind a grove of trees and had his way with her.

Chelle said...

Maybe she cushions herself with breastfeeding foreign children. Foreigns are flexible I hear. The fatter the baby, the more cushion for her tatas. Just attach and roll.

Chelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelle said...

Maybe her boobs are not even big at all. Maybe she's just, y'know, nursing someone else's babies under her shirt all the time.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: I forgot about the armpit sneak thing, gravity is the big-boobed, plucky, mechanics best friend.

@Mona: Is that spanish? I have no idea what you're talking about.

@Nate's Mom: Is that spanish? I have no idea what you're talking about.

@SMU, Kid: I think boob sliming might be the solution to most of the world's problems. My post just pulled up your post's skirt and then got scared and ran away because your post just giggled and asked "Wanna see?"

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahah! (Two in a ROW!)

Would Pepsi really be Coke's friend... I have a feeling Pepsi would stab Coke in the back and join your posse, as they have always been arch enemies. Fucking Pepsi is a backstabber though, so look out. Dawg. And shit.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

¿Qué?

Chelle said...

I would know, having actually been a big boobed, plucky mechanic. Okay not mechanic, but I've changed the oil on stupid heavy machinery and also dug sand the built up underneath it with a freaking shovel for hours on end. It's not so glamorous.

Impressive, eh? I thought so.

Prosy said...

Nice illustration. Salma's boobs are totally real. I know because I saw them at our slumber party. I totally put her bra in the freezer!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

But, what about Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder?? Or was it Paul MacCartney? You know, that song about black and white, blahblahblah...

I don't like Coke or Pepsi. Where does that leave me??

I feel so alone now.

Kristine said...

Dude, I don't want to be the downer at this boob-mechanic-sugar-street party, but I'm pretty sure the joke's on you when Coke Zero© resurrects itself (Jesus-style) in a few years and gives you cancer.

Anna Russell said...

If I drink Coke Zero will I get boobs like Salma Hayek? Or was "cans" a pun?

Kurt said...

@Mona: I'm good with the Bwa-has

@Chelle: You've spent a lot of time thinking about Salma Hayek's cans. Your the investigative journalist of Pedophilia.

@Prosy: I thought if anyone looks at them they turn into gold, Or is that an urban myth?

@Mary: You can have your own posse of low cal 100% fruit drinks. But I wouldn't recommend getting into any rumbles. Maybe just a spelling bee.

@Kristine: Aw! You're so sweet!

Char said...

go greased lightin' - go greased lightin'

Kristine said...

Sorry. Was that harsh? Because it IS hardest to hurt the ones you love (like).

Scandalous Housewife said...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about 'cuz I am a gangsta housewife and have fo'shizzle street cred.

Chelle said...

Who doesn't?

Soda and Candy said...

1. The new Pepsi look / logo sucks dinosaur balls

2. Coke Black, that terrible coffee-flavored one, is at once more horrifyingly awful and more street than Coke Zero.

Vic said...

I heard the only way you fix a Honda Civic is with nondescript tools. My mechanic told me. Their jumpsuits all say "Jose". None of them are named "Jose".

Rachel said...

At least you didn't have to give up steak as a result of choking.

HappyHourSue said...

You do sound straight-up gangsta, for realz, G.

Except I think the toothpick thing might be out. Especially if it has that colored cellophane ruffly thing.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Pepsi is the one responsible for my tummy looking like that??? If I'da known...

Miss Yvonne said...

I think the UFC guys totally stole your head bob thing because I just saw a guy do it last night. You should write a letter.

TishTash said...

Good god. The number of people in here speaking gangsta is making my ethnic hurt.

Captain Dumbass said...

Sorry, I zoned out imagining Selma in one of those blue garage thingys and how she could even make that hot.

Oh, is your red neck neighbour working on Coke Zero's car?

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I can't promise anything...but Yes...yes you will

@Char: No musicals allowed on this blog. You know the rules.

@Kristine: No. I'll be fine. (*sniff*)

@Scandy: Your so gangsta that I can't even make a metaphor because I'm so not.

@Soda: Never seen "Coke Black" I'm suspicious of you now.

@Vic: That's like the three-card monte of Random Jose Repairmen.

@Rachel: There is that I suppose.

@HappyHourSue: I think that toothpick thing is from Sha-Na-Na, which was totally gangsta for a 70s a capella singing group.

@Brown-Eyed Girl: I know they should have warning labels, right?

@Miss Yvonne: Your mom watches UFC as she head bobs.

@TishTash: I know. It's like a magical wonderland except instead of traveling over the peppermint forest to Gumdrop mountain there's just a lot of bad gangsta speak.

@Cap'n D: Selma's cans are practically licensed mind-erasers. She really should be more careful with them.

Soda and Candy said...

You must not have enough street cred, like the mad amount I have, son.