See what happened is I was drinking a Coke Zero© and I choked on it and I kept coughing for like 2 hours, so the idea was that a Coke Zero© was trying to kill me and I would talk about how it thought it was such a bad EmEffer because it had a black label, which is totally racist by the way, and Coke Zero© should grow the fuck up and realize we are all brothers and sisters no matter what the color of our skin is or whatever it is people who are being self-righteous about racial equality say. And just because you gave to the World Wildlife Fund doesn't mean you support racial equality, Coke Zero©! And don't give me that shit about pandas being black AND white and that's how you are showing your belief in unity, because we both no that's just a coincidence. But Pandas are badass and fix everything. So maybe you HAVE learned your lesson.
And then the Coke Zero would get all up in my grill* and threaten me and I'd be like "Step off*, Coke Zero©! I will fuck your shit up, yo*!" and then we'd stand there doing that weird "heads-too-close-together-so-it-looks-like-we're-gonna-kiss" thing, but we're NOT gonna kiss because Coke Zero© and I are mortal enemies now and at the end of that face thing part I bob my head at it and it flinches back, so I win the face fighting part. And then it makes a shooty finger thing at me but it holds the gun sideways so you know that it's super-street, and no I don't know how a bottle can have hands to make threatening gestures with, but this one totally does and this whole thing takes place in a garage where there are some sweet Honda Civics being worked on and there are non-descript tools laying around and maybe Coke Zero© would find me in one of those blue, car-guy jumpsuits that are all grease-stained and has my name in the white oval over the left pocket only instead of "Kurt" it says "Lightning" or something cool. And sure maybe I built this garage from the ground up using only the sweat of my brow and my insane street racing skills, but that doesn't mean I want criminals like the attempted murderer Coke Zero© in my shop. That's just whack*, yo.
And then it comes time for the big race-off and Coke Zero© is there with all it's badass contemporaries like the new Pepsi and all those aggressive sounding energy drinks that run around all spazzy and with their eyes popped out and Coke Zero© is leaning against the hood and taunting me as I walk past but I just ignore him because me and my posse are too cool, and we're also probably walking in slow motion and the reflection from the starter lights are all in my sunglasses and yeah I'm wearing sunglasses at night, so what? and also probably chewing a tooth pick. And Selma Hayek is there because she has great cans but really I respect her for her awesome skills as a mechanic and I wonder how she gets those massive boobs under a low-rider on that scooter-dolly thing, but that's not my problem because I'm just the driver and all I do is drive to win. And today you are going down you horrible felon, Coke Zero©.
I'm really glad I didn't write about that though. Because it was stupid. In related news, I think it's funny to turn the new Pepsi logo into an overweight fat guy with his belly button showing.
* These are all "street" words, so I don't know what they mean or if they are current or what, but I'm guessing not since I know them and the closest I've been to the street is when I watched that re-run of "Boyz in the Hood" a couple months ago. But otherwise I'm totally legit, yo!
UPDATE: You can find more hysterical stuff from me over at Mama Pop! Lucky You!