Tuesday, April 7, 2009

No Bikini Ninja Models Were Hurt

I make being unemployed seem glamorous, and that's probably because I'm so handsome, but maybe that isn't putting the public first and I am all about that, what with being a five-times recipient of the National Public Service Commendation, which may look to some like it was cut out of a cereal box and then covered with tin-foil, but screw you super-sleuth it totally counts.

My point is, I think maybe I should spend a little more time talking about the downside of this lifestyle, like how I have to clean up after the giant all-night bikini-model ninja parties or how much jet fuel costs for when I travel all over the world getting in outrageous adventures and solving impossible crimes, or how hard it is to get a "Sex on the Beach" stain out of a white, terry cloth bathrobe at 3am when the police are banging on your door and your neighbor's lawn furniture is being burned in effigy in your front yard. Or how to act indignant when the landlord stops by and catches you peeking out from underneath the pillow fort** you just made and he's all "Look I don't want to evict you but..." and you HAVE to remember to change the locks before next month or else.

One of the upsides to all this is the incredible amount of time you can devote to showering throughout the day. I mean, when I was working, the shower was this utilitarian thing to get the Man-stink off of me and maybe to shave if I was in a rush, and when I was younger it was a good place to practice kissing because it was a) warm, b)private and c) wet. (twss*) But now that I've got all this free time, I've been using the shower more and more as a distraction from the rest of my day of wandering around the house aimlessly and checking to see if maybe someone has broken in and done my dishes, and no one ever has, so I get pissed and start yelling profanities at the growing pile of moldering dinnerware and then the neighbors call the cops and I have to pretend to have Tourette's because you can't just go around screaming "Fuck you, Plate!" and expect to be treated well by the law enforcement community unless you can really fake out agood neuropsychotic disorder. And when they ask if I have Tourette's, I bark four times, do an arm wiggle, and then say "It's GTS, Motherfucker." because that is the medical acronym for it and I'm all about accuracy in my pretend afflictions. And then I bark again and run around in a circle going "Whoop! Whoop!" like Curly from the Three Stooges and that's usually when I get arrested, but sometimes they just back out slowly and close the door.

But back to showering, because that was totally the point of this whole thing, and what I wonder is how many showers can a person take in one day and still have it be reasonable and not be accused by everyone of being a chronic masturbator because really everyone knows that when someone takes a lot of showers it means they are pretty much the biggest perverts on the planet or they have OCD or both maybe, and I would think anyone with OCD would take a very long time to wank because they would have an intricate system and then I spend my day writing out all the steps to an OCD person's masturbation ritual*** and voilá, that day is over and I'm wondering how I managed to sneak in the 3 showers that I did take because I was so busy all day.

I've got this unemployment thing down. Now back to my pillow fort.

*I've decided to only do the initials to "That's what she said." because it is much faster and I can get it down before anyone else, and then I can be all "Face!" and do a little victory Jai Ho style Bollywood dance, but no one will see it because it's just me in front of the computer, and then I wonder if maybe I should take a Victory Shower©

** I've pretty much built the ultimate pillow fort because mine has tunnels and hidden passageways and a communications center and a Jelly bean vault, and when the landlord comes I'm usually right in the middle of some big criminal investigation involving a stuffed penguin and a Zippo so I just pretend I don't see him and sometimes he sees me, but I think by this point it is taking more and more courage for him to confront me. Win/win.

***I would publish the whole list but it took like 15 pages of unpaid bills and like 22 crayons to write the whole thing down, so from a logistics standpoint I think we can all agree that pandas are awesome.


Belle said...

That fort sounds awesome. Especially the jellybean vault. I haven't taken a shower in two years.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Kurt, I see that you've been nominated for alot of stuff and I hope to god you take me to the top with you or I'll start a colition to drag you back down to the bottom. Or congratulate you, which ever seems easier.

That Baldy Fella said...

All night bikini model ninja parties can be such a drag sometimes. It's hard work having fun.

Kurt said...

@Belle: The Jelly Bean vault is my version of a Panic Room. Only instead of feeling like I'm safe from intruders, I just eat delicious jelly beans.

@Trodo:My greatest award so far is the "You wrote something funny once", Burger King Head raptor award.

@Baldy: I know. Sometimes I think "Why do I bother?" and then a tickle fight breaks out and I remember.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Hey handsome. Do you, like me, watch American Idol (b/c of the kids, of course)? I always picture you as Danny Gokey now -- must be the fail beard.

And as a parent of a kid with OCD, I doubt there is any ritualized masturbation going on -- rituals do not bring pleasure, only frustration. I'm sure your list was funny, though.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I didn't have nearly this much fun when I was unemployed. I just cried a lot and ate Pringles.

Dana's Brain said...

I would imagine things could get kind of sweaty at the ninja parties. So I'm thinking you can get away with at least two showers during that time alone.

Soda and Candy said...

If I could hire you (as my houseboy) I would.

Stupid economy crushing my dreams.

Char said...


Miss Yvonne said...

You are like the Danny Gokey of unemployment.

P.S. twss is pure genius. There is a reason you don't have a job right now, and inventing twss is it.

Michelle said...


You rock my world every day Kurt!! Your writing just cracks me the hell up!!!

I take 7 shower a day!!! YEAH SO????

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

I can't party with you.

I can't wear a bikini anymore.

And my ninja skills have gotten rusty.

Vic said...

When I lose my job I'm going to live in a pillow fort. It's pretty warm here, plus I have the dog.

I picture you holding the lighter under the penguin's feet and saying "I've got all day, penguin.." as you light it.

Anna Russell said...

I would totally help you fight the baddies in your pillow fort because you are obviously not a smelly boy and just a boy.

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: I don't watch so maybe I look like him only more handsome, since I'm just guessing

@Mandy: Pringles© were made for depression. It's like potatoes in jail.

@Dana: Good thinking! More parties = more showers. Win/win

@Soda: I don't like to "clean" things per se, but if you need like any cookies eaten or someone to sit on your couch and yell 'What's for dinner?" ...then I work for relatively cheap.

@Char: twSs!

@Miss Yvonne:I always knew I had a purpose. Apparently it was stealing this from Steam Me Up, Kid. I wish I could take credit.

@Michelle: Woo! Slow down there Slugger!

@BE Girl: You can totally party with me. I invite the bikini ninjas for the gymnastics part only. Everyone else is all about intellectually stimulating conversations and jello shots.

@Vic: You know me so well.

Mona Lott said...

I'm totally going to cuss at my dishes today. Should spice things up, thanks, sir!

Yeah, I've been home a long motherfuckin time. Woooooo.

Soda and Candy said...

Kurt, I'm afraid those particular duties are amply covered in our house.

sour said...

why don't you just leave the sex on the beach stains on your bathrobe? it will make you look worldly and suave

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Is there going to be a prize and/or celebration and/or parade with streamers for your 100th follower? Let me know. I want to rig it so it's me. Don't tell anyone.

Sometimes I type twss before the person I'm IMing with writes anything at all, and I let my finger hover there in case they type something twss-worthy. Usually I have to backspace over it, but one of these days it's going to pay off big time.

Kurt said...

@Mona: It'll make your mouth tingle if nothing else!

@Soda: I'm very sorry to hear that.

@Sour:No,I leave the Mimosa stains on there to amplify that effect.

@SMU, Kid: We'll have to come up with a system like those kids in that Kevin Spacey Movie about counting cards and then hand signals and then...what were we talking about. You are the twss-fucking master.


Cytheria said...

Really wet microbikini sexy dance...