I make being unemployed seem glamorous, and that's probably because I'm so handsome, but maybe that isn't putting the public first and I am all about that, what with being a five-times recipient of the National Public Service Commendation, which may look to some like it was cut out of a cereal box and then covered with tin-foil, but screw you super-sleuth it totally counts.
My point is, I think maybe I should spend a little more time talking about the downside of this lifestyle, like how I have to clean up after the giant all-night bikini-model ninja parties or how much jet fuel costs for when I travel all over the world getting in outrageous adventures and solving impossible crimes, or how hard it is to get a "Sex on the Beach" stain out of a white, terry cloth bathrobe at 3am when the police are banging on your door and your neighbor's lawn furniture is being burned in effigy in your front yard. Or how to act indignant when the landlord stops by and catches you peeking out from underneath the pillow fort** you just made and he's all "Look I don't want to evict you but..." and you HAVE to remember to change the locks before next month or else.
One of the upsides to all this is the incredible amount of time you can devote to showering throughout the day. I mean, when I was working, the shower was this utilitarian thing to get the Man-stink off of me and maybe to shave if I was in a rush, and when I was younger it was a good place to practice kissing because it was a) warm, b)private and c) wet. (twss*) But now that I've got all this free time, I've been using the shower more and more as a distraction from the rest of my day of wandering around the house aimlessly and checking to see if maybe someone has broken in and done my dishes, and no one ever has, so I get pissed and start yelling profanities at the growing pile of moldering dinnerware and then the neighbors call the cops and I have to pretend to have Tourette's because you can't just go around screaming "Fuck you, Plate!" and expect to be treated well by the law enforcement community unless you can really fake out agood neuropsychotic disorder. And when they ask if I have Tourette's, I bark four times, do an arm wiggle, and then say "It's GTS, Motherfucker." because that is the medical acronym for it and I'm all about accuracy in my pretend afflictions. And then I bark again and run around in a circle going "Whoop! Whoop!" like Curly from the Three Stooges and that's usually when I get arrested, but sometimes they just back out slowly and close the door.
But back to showering, because that was totally the point of this whole thing, and what I wonder is how many showers can a person take in one day and still have it be reasonable and not be accused by everyone of being a chronic masturbator because really everyone knows that when someone takes a lot of showers it means they are pretty much the biggest perverts on the planet or they have OCD or both maybe, and I would think anyone with OCD would take a very long time to wank because they would have an intricate system and then I spend my day writing out all the steps to an OCD person's masturbation ritual*** and voilá, that day is over and I'm wondering how I managed to sneak in the 3 showers that I did take because I was so busy all day.
I've got this unemployment thing down. Now back to my pillow fort.
*I've decided to only do the initials to "That's what she said." because it is much faster and I can get it down before anyone else, and then I can be all "Face!" and do a little victory Jai Ho style Bollywood dance, but no one will see it because it's just me in front of the computer, and then I wonder if maybe I should take a Victory Shower©
** I've pretty much built the ultimate pillow fort because mine has tunnels and hidden passageways and a communications center and a Jelly bean vault, and when the landlord comes I'm usually right in the middle of some big criminal investigation involving a stuffed penguin and a Zippo so I just pretend I don't see him and sometimes he sees me, but I think by this point it is taking more and more courage for him to confront me. Win/win.
***I would publish the whole list but it took like 15 pages of unpaid bills and like 22 crayons to write the whole thing down, so from a logistics standpoint I think we can all agree that pandas are awesome.