I desperately want to be in a buddy cop action drama comedy and in it a young handsome cop on the edge would battle injustice with a grizzled veteran officer two days before his retirement and maybe that cop could be played by Danny Glover and he would always say "I'm getting to old for this shit!" and the audience would laugh. But really the antics of the younger, handsomer, more crazy cop would be what everyone came to see, and instead of being a raging Australian anti-semite it could be me.
But the trouble is I don't know anyone in the film industry and I'm really not that interested in actually, you know... doing anything, and also I don't have a friend who would make a suitable Murtaugh because none of them are middle aged, crotchety black men. They are all beautiful super-intelligent bikini models or high-powered corruption-exposing vigilantes or they are unemployed hoboes like me, and don't put your racism all over me because I have no idea if they are minorities or not, because I don't see people like that and also they are mostly pretend except for the hoboes so they pretty much are like an out-take from Captain Planet in terms of diversity. Their diversity would fuck up your friends' diversity in a dance off. It would pull off a super-rad version of "The Worm" and then stand up and shout "Top That!" and then it would cross it's arms and make a "Fuck yeah." face.
So instead I've decided that MY MIND will be my Martin Riggs in the pretend film I'm not making and MY BODY will be the Murtaugh because it's a little cranky and likes to complain a lot and it wishes it had just taken that early retirement like it's wife asked it to. And My mind is all "Woot Wo0t! Let's jump off a building and set things on fire and have some amazing trick like putting our arms out of its socket that we'll use in a ridiculous number of situations and we'll always escape from things, and hump Renee Russo!" and then my Body says "I'm getting too old for this shit!" and the audience laughs and maybe cringes a little at the thought of humping Renee Russo. And then something blows up and there are evil South Africans and Joe Pesci is there, and I don't know what will be Joe Pesci since my brain and my body already have roles. And I also don't know what will be Chris Rock. But I know "being awake" is definitely Mr. Joshua, because it's crazy like Gary Busey.
So maybe coffee is Joe Pesci and this delicious bagel can be Chris Rock and instead of exploding anything maybe I'll just have a nap, but I'll jump real high when I go to get into bed, and my body will yell "Oh shiiiiiiiittttt!!" and the audience will laugh and maybe hold their breath for fear of my safety but it's okay, Audience... it's all just pretend. And my Chris Rock bagel will go flying and my Joe Pesci coffee will just sit on the end table going "Okay.Okay.Okay...." and then internet porn is Renee Russo, so Score!
Except now a bagel is trying to get into my body's daughter's pants and I can't even follow this stupid head movie anymore and this is why you should never make sequels because you end up annoyed with your coffee and racist against your bagel. And racism is never okay even if you do yell "Diplomatic Immunity!!" because if the Lethal Weapon movies have taught us anything it's that it is okay to shoot people and pull down their house using your truck if they are racists.