Friday, April 17, 2009

The Newest Lethalest Weapon

I desperately want to be in a buddy cop action drama comedy and in it a young handsome cop on the edge would battle injustice with a grizzled veteran officer two days before his retirement and maybe that cop could be played by Danny Glover and he would always say "I'm getting to old for this shit!" and the audience would laugh. But really the antics of the younger, handsomer, more crazy cop would be what everyone came to see, and instead of being a raging Australian anti-semite it could be me.

But the trouble is I don't know anyone in the film industry and I'm really not that interested in actually, you know... doing anything, and also I don't have a friend who would make a suitable Murtaugh because none of them are middle aged, crotchety black men. They are all beautiful super-intelligent bikini models or high-powered corruption-exposing vigilantes or they are unemployed hoboes like me, and don't put your racism all over me because I have no idea if they are minorities or not, because I don't see people like that and also they are mostly pretend except for the hoboes so they pretty much are like an out-take from Captain Planet in terms of diversity. Their diversity would fuck up your friends' diversity in a dance off. It would pull off a super-rad version of "The Worm" and then stand up and shout "Top That!" and then it would cross it's arms and make a "Fuck yeah." face.

So instead I've decided that MY MIND will be my Martin Riggs in the pretend film I'm not making and MY BODY will be the Murtaugh because it's a little cranky and likes to complain a lot and it wishes it had just taken that early retirement like it's wife asked it to. And My mind is all "Woot Wo0t! Let's jump off a building and set things on fire and have some amazing trick like putting our arms out of its socket that we'll use in a ridiculous number of situations and we'll always escape from things, and hump Renee Russo!" and then my Body says "I'm getting too old for this shit!" and the audience laughs and maybe cringes a little at the thought of humping Renee Russo. And then something blows up and there are evil South Africans and Joe Pesci is there, and I don't know what will be Joe Pesci since my brain and my body already have roles. And I also don't know what will be Chris Rock. But I know "being awake" is definitely Mr. Joshua, because it's crazy like Gary Busey.

So maybe coffee is Joe Pesci and this delicious bagel can be Chris Rock and instead of exploding anything maybe I'll just have a nap, but I'll jump real high when I go to get into bed, and my body will yell "Oh shiiiiiiiittttt!!" and the audience will laugh and maybe hold their breath for fear of my safety but it's okay, Audience... it's all just pretend. And my Chris Rock bagel will go flying and my Joe Pesci coffee will just sit on the end table going "Okay.Okay.Okay...." and then internet porn is Renee Russo, so Score!

Except now a bagel is trying to get into my body's daughter's pants and I can't even follow this stupid head movie anymore and this is why you should never make sequels because you end up annoyed with your coffee and racist against your bagel. And racism is never okay even if you do yell "Diplomatic Immunity!!" because if the Lethal Weapon movies have taught us anything it's that it is okay to shoot people and pull down their house using your truck if they are racists.

18 comments:

Mona Lott said...

I think you blinded me with science... Or something. There was laughter.

So how'd it go yesterday?

Lana said...

coffee kicks bagel's ass any day.

unrelated, sort of, i watched exactly 14 minutes of kill bill last night and it happened to be the part where uma goes to okinawa to find hattori hanzo.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

So the unemployment thing went okay, then?

And, if I were going to hump a woman, she wouldn't be a manly woman like Renee Russo. I mean, I've already got a man. I'd go for someone more womanly, like Salma Hayek.

Char said...

How I Met Your Mother had a episode like this...and concluded we're all too old for shit and to young to give up...or some very special lesson like that.

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, you have to stop pre-emptively taking my blog posts! First I decide to make a Will Smith movie, then you blog about the Smithster. Then, I decide to make it a buddy movie with him and Walter Matthau, and you blog about buddy movies. Damnit! (I'm blogging it anyway, this is just my "I wasn't copying you, honest" comment). Could you at least not make your posts so damned funny so mine will look better when it happens?

Rene Russo is a cracker bitch. Diplomatic immumity!

Mona Lott said...

Bwaahahahahahaha! "cracker bitch" *SNORT* Ahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

Miss Yvonne said...

I'll give you that "the worm" is a pretty awesome breakdance move, but my diverse friends would totally bust out that cool walking thing where they look like they are floating around but their feet are totally moving and then they'll end with pushing their heads with their hand and their heads will do that sideways walk like an egyptian thing. And they'll also have those eraser haircuts like the dude from Kid 'n Play and they'll have a movie called "Breakdancing 22: Your Mom's an Electric Boogaloo".

Kristine said...

What was your old job anyway, "Kurt"?

Kurt said...

@Mona: It went fine. let me break it down:
Unemployment Guy: So you're in Research and Development?
Me: Yep
UG: You're pretty much fucked.
Me: Yep.

@Lana: Sonny Chiba played Hattori Hanzo in the Movie. He is God.

@Nate's Mom: Renee Russo emasculates me when I look at her

@Char: Yay! At least I'm stealing from a funny show. That's something.

@Anna Russell: Sorry to steal your topics. Maybe I could pretend it was just a ruse to direct people to your blog.

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom likes "The Worm"

@Kristine: I'm not sure how I feel about my name in quotes. I'm not your figment! I was a research and development technician. All science-y and shit.

Soda and Candy said...

Does being Australio-American count as diversity?

I have a horrible feeling my buddy movie would come out something like Romy & Michelle.

Kristine said...

Ah, so I've found your weakness! No, I was just concerned you might be some kind of ninja. And I am not cool with blogging ninjas for personal reasons.

Vic said...

Delicious bagels are so versatile. I've always thought they don't get enough credit for their acting chops.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

My vagina plate hates the worm.

twss.

Kurt said...

@Soda:I'm sorry your life has even a tenuous connection to Lisa Kudrow. (zing!)

@Kristine: It might all be a cover.

@Vic:They certainly are! Once I saw a plain bagel disguised as a salt bagel. That guy was awesome.

@SMU, Kid: Excellent use of twss. I almost wrote "your cunt bone* can't HANDLE the truth" but since it's rude and makes no sense, I think I'll just mention it as a bit of confusing trivia.

*I didn't invent this. Would whoever did please acknowledge your awesomeness?

Captain Dumbass said...

I'd do Rene Russo. But not Mel Gibson, that racist fuck. Unless I could get some of that $900 million dollars. Dolla' dolla' bills, y'all.

Dana's Brain said...

Sometimes it's hard to comment here because the damn commenters are so funny after the blogging hilarity - it's really a lot of pressure for me to handle when I'm just returning from vacation.

HappyHourSue said...

So i came over here from your comment on Yo Mama's Blog expecting that you were gay because I really want a gay friend. But it turns out your not gay, you're just funny. Which works for me too. And also- I think I might love you.

Anyhoo- if you ever decide to, you know, 'experiment' with being gay, let me know cuz that position is still open. (no pun).

Dana's Brain said...

twhs!