Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The List: Week Whatever plus One

So I just went and looked at my own profile and it was visit number 1000 to my own face and I don't know if it counts me or not, but I'm pretty sure it does so that means at least 200 other people have read my profile and I wonder what they think. I wonder if they see the brave architect of a new cyber-world, or a tormented genius longing to spread the word that mediocrity is dead and excellence must be our order of the day, or maybe they see a fierce and cunning warrior out to right the wrongs of an unjust world.  Oh wait...a friend I ran into at a bar a few weeks ago told me that I look like a "pretentious dipshit", but that I shouldn't worry about it because most of my blogs are too stupid to read through the whole way and that he just skips around. I'm just kidding. He never called me pretentious. He did say my blog was stupid, but how am I supposed to argue that? 

With my fists! That's how.

Here is my weekly list of Nemeses. You could say that it is posting a day later than normal and that is correct, but why don't you turn that microscope on YOUR life, Poindexter. I have pillow forts to build. 

1) My friend - For saying that I look like a "pretentious dipshit". Like he even knows. His MOM is probably a pretentious dipshit. Wait. Actually, I know his mom and she is super-nice. Like so nice you probably want to punch her in the face as much as I do. And then stand over her and tell her that her kid is a "pretentious dipshit" and then you'd start crying and crapping your pants and then you'd ask for a hug, but instead the cops show up, so you have to run away and no one got a good look at you, Thank God.

2) Noah - I'm super pissed at Noah this week because he totally let animals like Silverfish and fruitflies onto the ark and why was that a good idea but FUCK YOU, Dinosaurs! His picking process totally sucked and I am working on a time-machine project right now so that I can go back and fix this shit, because there is no reason for us to have biting ants and not velociraptors. They're pretty much the same thing you know... in terms of genetic makeup. What? Don't believe me? Well guess who just became dinosaur food then, Mr. Smartypants? I haven't spent a lifetime studying taxonomy and time travel because of all the ladies it'll gets me, you know.

3) Princess Leia - So it's ridiculous that on my page-a-day Star Wars calander, I get to today's and it's Carrie Fisher and her boobs in the metal speedo and I'm all "Shit." because all I can think of is how she looks like she's been stored under a pile of wet laundry now and that isn't incredibly sexy and then I wonder if the metal bikini gave her a rash, so now I'm thinking about a 60 year old, ex-drug addict with a rashy vagina and that gets her on the list.

4)Famous Jill - She is a friend of mine and she insists that I am famous and then she makes clever job posts on craigslist that totally look on the up and up and when I apply for them I don't hear anything back other than her whimsical laugh, so I'm totally driving over to her house tonight to put dog shit in her gas grill. Except it's snowing, so maybe I'll just do that in my head for pretend and while that might not seem like furious vengeance, it totally is. Also, the dinks over at craigslist took down Jills awesome ad which was for a "Ninja Warrior Assistant" and although there was no pay and it was listed as a "resume builder", it did offer the opportunity to occasionally rub elbows with famous dinosaurs. Okay, Jill...I guess you're off the list. For now.

5) Onomatopoeia* - Because that shit is impossible to spell right the first time, like there is a wizard's spell on it or something and while actual Onomotopoeic words are awesome and make up pretty much half of my vocabulary thanks to the fact I was raised by cartoons, I still think they could have called them something else that was easier. Like 'Pew!Pew!Pew!" words or something.

* I spelled this fucker like a dozen different ways before I finally broke down and looked it up, so FUCK YOU, Onomatopoeia! You're not worth this trouble. You thought you were all cool when you asked my sister to the prom, but then 4 roofies later and it's anal sex all around and she's totally humiliated and I want to take vengeance using my new skeleton made out of Adamantium, but Professor X won't let me because I have to report to my new assignment on Battlestar Galactica tomorrow.


Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Oh yay I am the very first commenter!

Is that sad that that will probably be the highlight of my day...yeah I know

TishTash said...

What the fuck is Wolverine doing in space? I'm going to get Adama to flush him out an airlock.

Char said...

what, there's "first" in blogger? what the heck?

silverfish are excellent nememsis material...this week I'll add paperwasps and postal clerks.

Moonkee said...

That's MS. Smartypants to you, monkeyman.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Carrie Fisher's hotness line graph starts at the peak of Mt Everest and descends into the Mariana Trench, and then the Pacific plate breaks off and the Earth splits in half to accommodate the depth of the line because she just keeps getting damper and schlumpier.

Now I feel bad. Was that mean?

Just LD said...

When you return, can you bring me one of those cute, smallish dinos? I don't have much space, but I want a dino pet. Noah was just misguided, that's all.

Prosy said...

I think Noah brought the dinosaurs initially, but the T.Rex's kept eating all the other animals, like the unicorns and the pygmy elephants and the magical flying kittens, and so he threw all the dinosaurs off into the ocean and thats how come we have fossils. I read it in my dinosaur book.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You seem to be having a bit of an anger management problem today. Are you okay?

Miss Yvonne said...

Your mom argues with her fists.

Captain Dumbass said...

Now I'm thinking of a lesbo slave scene with Leia and Boomer from Galactica.


Dana's Brain said...

I like anthropomorphizing. And yes, I totally spell checked that sucker.

Vic said...

When I look at your profile picture I see a man who exists in a paradigm all his own, outside the traditional bounds of time and space, but a paradigm with panda bears. A Panda Paradigm. Also, a guy who is trying to read the print on the inside of his glasses.

I'm going to go lie down now.

Kurt said...

@SBA: Congrats! I don't have any prizes unless you count drunkenness. In which case you won the grand prize.

@TishTash: He's probably a cylon. True Story.

@Char; Pretty much any insect can fuck right off.

@Moonkee: Who are you calling a primate?

@SMU,Kid: She's started out like a volcano of hotness but now she's all covered in ash and dead trees

@Just LD: Go ahead, take a "little one" just don't complain to me when it eats your face.

@Prosy: I think we all can learn an important lesson from that book. And that is overly zealous religious people are effed in the head.

@Mary: Yes. But this is my therapy, so don't judge me.

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom argues with My mom's fist up her hoo-ha.

@Cap'n D: Yeah that's the gift that keeps on giving. It's the Hallmark card of Science Fiction lesbianism.

@Dana: Did you just call me a caveman? Because I get that.

@Vic: I think I'm flattered but also a bit woozy.

Kat said...

You just made me feel all kinds of icky because of the mention of Carrie Fisher's vagina. The last time I saw her on TMZ she was looking quite rough.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Are you calling me a drunk?

Sherendipity said...

omg, dude, you're hilarious. i'd totally marry you if i knew you, weren't already married, and really thought vows meant something. alright, no, i wouldn't but i might stalk you and ride my bike by your house 7 times a day.