With my fists! That's how.
Here is my weekly list of Nemeses. You could say that it is posting a day later than normal and that is correct, but why don't you turn that microscope on YOUR life, Poindexter. I have pillow forts to build.
1) My friend - For saying that I look like a "pretentious dipshit". Like he even knows. His MOM is probably a pretentious dipshit. Wait. Actually, I know his mom and she is super-nice. Like so nice you probably want to punch her in the face as much as I do. And then stand over her and tell her that her kid is a "pretentious dipshit" and then you'd start crying and crapping your pants and then you'd ask for a hug, but instead the cops show up, so you have to run away and no one got a good look at you, Thank God.
2) Noah - I'm super pissed at Noah this week because he totally let animals like Silverfish and fruitflies onto the ark and why was that a good idea but FUCK YOU, Dinosaurs! His picking process totally sucked and I am working on a time-machine project right now so that I can go back and fix this shit, because there is no reason for us to have biting ants and not velociraptors. They're pretty much the same thing you know... in terms of genetic makeup. What? Don't believe me? Well guess who just became dinosaur food then, Mr. Smartypants? I haven't spent a lifetime studying taxonomy and time travel because of all the ladies it'll gets me, you know.
3) Princess Leia - So it's ridiculous that on my page-a-day Star Wars calander, I get to today's and it's Carrie Fisher and her boobs in the metal speedo and I'm all "Shit." because all I can think of is how she looks like she's been stored under a pile of wet laundry now and that isn't incredibly sexy and then I wonder if the metal bikini gave her a rash, so now I'm thinking about a 60 year old, ex-drug addict with a rashy vagina and that gets her on the list.
4)Famous Jill - She is a friend of mine and she insists that I am famous and then she makes clever job posts on craigslist that totally look on the up and up and when I apply for them I don't hear anything back other than her whimsical laugh, so I'm totally driving over to her house tonight to put dog shit in her gas grill. Except it's snowing, so maybe I'll just do that in my head for pretend and while that might not seem like furious vengeance, it totally is. Also, the dinks over at craigslist took down Jills awesome ad which was for a "Ninja Warrior Assistant" and although there was no pay and it was listed as a "resume builder", it did offer the opportunity to occasionally rub elbows with famous dinosaurs. Okay, Jill...I guess you're off the list. For now.
5) Onomatopoeia* - Because that shit is impossible to spell right the first time, like there is a wizard's spell on it or something and while actual Onomotopoeic words are awesome and make up pretty much half of my vocabulary thanks to the fact I was raised by cartoons, I still think they could have called them something else that was easier. Like 'Pew!Pew!Pew!" words or something.
* I spelled this fucker like a dozen different ways before I finally broke down and looked it up, so FUCK YOU, Onomatopoeia! You're not worth this trouble. You thought you were all cool when you asked my sister to the prom, but then 4 roofies later and it's anal sex all around and she's totally humiliated and I want to take vengeance using my new skeleton made out of Adamantium, but Professor X won't let me because I have to report to my new assignment on Battlestar Galactica tomorrow.