Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm Sorry Kristen Stewart.

I had never seen Twilight for a couple reasons. The first would be something hysterically misogynistic about what female body parts I lack and it would be implied that wanting to watch this movie made me less of a man and hahahaha isn't that clever? Like, who would see that coming? No one. That's who. It's genius. Also, I was invited to go by The Girl when it first came out in the theaters but decided the idea of sitting through a teenage vampire romance film with a dozen 13 year olds is probably like the worst idea that ever was and makes ethnic cleansing seem like a good problem-solving technique, provided the ethnicity you would be taking out is screamy girls who only hear "EEEEEEE!!!" in their heads whenever Edward Cullin lopes his disenfranchized and thoroughly alienated hair about on-screen.

But I was in a jam for a post idea and a friend of mine suggested I write about what a crummy actress Kristen Stewart is and then I pointed out that I had never seen her in a movie and that I was a respected journalist and to make such wild allegations without partaking in at least some of her work would be irresponsible. So if there was an organ in your body that controlled integity, most peoples' would be that weird one that no one's ever heard of like the duodenum, but mine would be the skin because it's the biggest, and I love to flaunt the fact that I know the skin is the body's biggest organ at dinner parties, and so what if everyone knows that. Maybe they don't at the dinner parties I attend. Maybe I don't get invited to any dinner parties and just tell myself facts in the mirror. Shut up!

So then my friend is all 'Seriously. All she does is run her hand through her well-planned, messy, just-fucked hair and sigh and act like she's a sad kid who will never quite find her way, despite the obvious desire of those around her to assimilate her into her new peer group" And then I was all "Huh?" because I just saw a cool caterpillar or a used condom on the sidewalk or something, so I agreed to slag on Kristen Stewart because why not?

So I rent Twilight.

And then it occurs to me that I am a heterosexual, 37 year old man with two kids who is renting fucking Twilight on my day off and luckily I thought of this before I got to the counter because that gave me a chance to do a last second grab for Transporter 3 to butch up my rental selections a bit. And then I was sad because I saw that Australia was in, and I really wanted to see that one, but renting a sweeping Baz Luhrmann aboriginal romance and Twilight at the same time would pretty much mean something terribly emasculating. And none of this changes the fact that the target demographic for this film will generally get me arrested if I try and so much as talk to them.

I was only 5 minutes into the movie before someone said "chillax" which sounded so wrong to my ears that now I'm pretty much sure I'm a pedophile by association and I feel like I should be calling some neighborhood watch board to tell them I've moved in and they'll put up angry fliers with my picture on them. The rest of the movie is a tangled mess and I can't even pay attention because all I can do is think about Edward Cullins crazy-assed sparkle-skin and how they've managed to make every single line of dialogue sound stilted and awkward and it makes the movie seem more like Napolean Dynamite with vampires than a serious, non-sexual, Mormon introspection into teen angst and love. And also Kristen Stewart does make me hostile but I can't tell if it's her acting or something more substansive like her face.

So this is the part where I rail on Kristen Stewart but then I decided to go look at her IMDB page because I am so totally thorough I can't even stand it, and it turns out she was the sister in Zathura who got frozen and I hated her and she was the daughter in The Panic Room, and I hated her and as I'm reading her bibliography thing, I realize that maybe it's not right for me to judge her because she is just a person and needs to have a certain amount of respect imbued upon her regardless of the fact that her celebrity is rubbing my nose in the poor quality of her acting. And then the vampire baseball scene comes on and I pretty much want to throw myself off a cliff and now I'm totally ready to bag on her. So here it goes:

Hey look! A catepillar!

PS: WOLVERINES!! <--- because I haven't done that in a while.

PPS: If you missed this week's Mama Pop post, then I don't blame you. I don't like you...but I don't blame you.


Miss Yvonne said...

Kristen Stewart is the new Kirsten Dunst.


Mona Lott said...

Damn it! What she said!

Lori said...

Ugh. I have not read the books, or seen the Movie. A four...something woman should not be watching 18 yr old vampire movies.

So truth up Was it any good??

Mona Lott said...

His "disenfranchised hair" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *wipes tear*

Is it the fumes? Do I need a doctor?

Moonkee said...

... Who was the new Winona Rider. Who is the female Keanu Reeves.

Moonkee said...

(That was supposed to be about Kirsten Dunst.)

The Panic Room said...

I'm actually a fan. Not of Twilight but of Kristen Stewart. I haven't seen the vampire thing she is in because I love vampire movies and was told never to see this by people I love and trust.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

All that sparkle up there is giving me a seizure. Or an orgasm. I'm not sure. Which one involves throwing up foam?

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

More ammunition for me to not be all that interested in sitting around watching peoples' imaginary lives when I could be out and around living. Or hang out on the net leaving comments for people I've never met.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: If you put a dumpster on one side and Kirsten Dunst on the other, Kristen Stewart would wander back and forth between the two and THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

@Mona: twss. I'm using the abbreviation now to improve my respond time.

@Lori: No. It was painful.

@Mona: No. I'm very funny.

@Moonkee: What is this "Jerkface Jeopardy"?

@Panic: Those people love you. You owe them a life debt like a wookie now.

@SMU, Kid: A Sparklegasm is like a bodygasm only with more unicorn. The foam is just a side bonus.

Char said...

I so don't get what the adult hoopla is over Twilight - the book, the movie, the series. It's not like it's Harry Potter or something. The thing is that JK Rowling never presented Harry as anything but for children. Meyer is like all serious and crap. And I have female friends that say this is their favorite book...Seriously? Come on. Of all the million billion books in the world and you pick the Dan Brown of tweener lit?

I'm Nate's Mom said...

My not-quite-thirteen-year-old has not read the books nor seen the movie, b/c I think she's too young for any sexual innuendo. We all know if we don't talk about sex or let them read about or watch movies with sex then they won't do it, right? Right??

Lori said...

Thank you for this! As a female in my 30s I felt ridiculous amounts of peer pressure from other females in their 30s to LOOOOOOVE the books/movie. Gak. I read the books under duress and had to physically restrain myself from using a red pen to correct them as I read.

This review just confirms for me the fact that I really really really don't want to see this movie.

Also that you are funny. But I assume you know that part.

Kat said...

I just had to read this "So I rent Twilight.
And then it occurs to me that I am a heterosexual, 37 year old man with two kids who is renting fucking Twilight on my day off and luckily I thought of this before I got to the counter because that gave me a chance to do a last second grab for Transporter 3 to butch up my rental selections a bit." part to my husband because I was laughing so hard that I threw myself into a bronchitis educed coughing fit. Good times.

Soda and Candy said...

*quietly enjoys the bling*
*hasn't seen Twilight but assumes it's dreadful*

Nikki said...

I read the books and was all like okay these aren't so bad for something that took me 3 days to read. But the movie was just bad. Really, really bad.

Cindy E. said...

don't bother with "Australia" either. Total crapfest with big, bawdy overacting and general weirdness. Not in a good "Moulin Rouge" way. This is in a bad, bad way.

Captain Dumbass said...

I think I'll be seeing Ishtar again before seeing that movie. The danger of estrogen burn is just too great. And yes, they are filming the next one where I live, Kurt, but I am not stalking Hair Boy for an autograph. Stop asking.

That Baldy Fella said...

I haven't seen Twilight. Because I'm a man. Yeah, that's right, I went there. I went right there without stopping for a toilet break or anything.

Kurt said...

@Char: Yeah. I've never even read the books. The Girl tried to get me to do it, but I just pretended I was blind from alcohol poisoning

@Nate's Mom: Everything is better if we pretend it's not real. Like Big Foot.

@Lori: No. You really really don't unless you've got like a massively infected ingrown toenail that you need distracting from, because this is a little more painful than that

@Kat: Glad I could help propagate an airborne virus with my hilarity. Hurray for being a vector of contagion!

@Soda: I knew the shiny stuff would distract you.

@Nikki: It really, really was.

@Cindy E.: I was totally kidding about that. (Really? But Nicole's got such a cute nose!) <-- ignore that

@Cap'n D: I bet he can hypnotize people with his forehead.

Kurt said...

@Baldy: I needed someone to go there. Thanks, Brother. Now please put the seat down when you're done.

golublog said...

Young actresses don't have to be good they just have to be willowy or buxom. It's sad but true.

Rachel said...

I only made it through a portion of that film, but I did find the acting hysterical. It was like the director was just somehwere in the distance screaming "dark and brooding" into a megaphone.

Michelle said...

I bought the fucking movie!! Yeah so? Are you laughing at me now? It is fine if you are because everybody else does too!!

It sucked!!

Hi how are ya???

SweetPeaSurry said...

lmao. I didn't miss the MamaPop post, so yoos can't be hatin on me man! Chillax! Don't be a playah Hatah!

Okay ... I'm done with that shinizzle. I actually tried to read the books. I think I got through page 3. I like to keep up with what my niece is reading, and watching. She and I LOVE Harry Potter. I do NOT LOVE Twilite.

Hey look ... a butterfly!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I haven't yet seen the movie, and don't think I ever will. Not even for a blog post. And I'm female.

Vic said...

I took my daughter to see this. At midnight. Four billion thirteen year old girls and their mothers.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
"Say it. Out loud."

Dana's Brain said...

So late to the twinkling Twilight party here.

As someone who ate up the Anne Rice vampire novels and also Loved every Harry Potter books I can honestly say I have COMPLETELY NO interest in reading these books.

And vampire boy looked way better when he was playing Cedric Diggory.

Brandy Rose said...

Oh, so she has acted before. I just thought it was her "first time"...

Dr Zibbs said...

My wife is so into the books and the movie that just today, when she picked ip a new mag I asked if she wanted me to cut out the face and use it as a msk while I do her.

Maggie May said...

My husband audibly sighed when they said 'chillax' like SIGHHHHHHH

Lacey said...

I think I might love you.

Either that or I really, REALLY hate chick flicks.

Either way, this bodes well for you, especially considering the stupid glittery graphic you've posted. Blech. Gulp. Blech. <3

Prosy said...

That was the worst movie ever. EVER. At the very beginning, when 'Bella' walks into science class and 'Edward' smells her the first time and he makes that face like he just came in his pants, I knew that I was going to ruin the movie for everyone in the theater by laughing the entire time.

PS. I liked Australia though...

TishTash said...

Ha ha, your blog is bedazzled!

Kurt said...

@golublog: She is neither, so go figure.

@Rachel: Is was more like "Pretend your a bitter alien! Good! Now sulk!"

@Michelle: I'm sorry you are the target demographic. People who don't listen to other people. :)

@SweetPea: Thanks for reading MamaPop! You don't have to qualify your good taste any further than that.

@Mary: I thought I was taking one for the team, but the team was playing vampire-thunderstorm-baseball and I hate them.

@Vic: You're like GI Joe. A real American hero. Have you regained the high registers or is the hearing damage permanent?

@Dana: I forgot he was Cedric Diggory. Why couldn't he have just stayed dead?

@Brandy Rose: Nope. She's a "pro" and by "pro" I mean "professionally bad actress"

@Zibbs: Wives like it when you try new, surprising, and insulting things in bed. That's why I'm still...Oh wait.

@Maggie May: Yeah. I even cringed when they used it ironically in "Superbad"

@Lacey: I'm not all glitter graphics and unicorn sex, just for the record.

@Prosy: Oh my God.. that shit was so funny. He totally looked like he blew it in his pants. And then when she smelled her armpit? (*kisses fingertips*)

@TishTash: I'm all about the sparkle today.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I forced my boyfriend to rent this movie and watch it with me and then I spent the entire time laughing because I was making him watch it with me. Then when he started to fall asleep, I kept waking him up and rewinding what he had missed. By the end of it I was almost positive I had finally pushed him over the edge.