I had never seen Twilight for a couple reasons. The first would be something hysterically misogynistic about what female body parts I lack and it would be implied that wanting to watch this movie made me less of a man and hahahaha isn't that clever? Like, who would see that coming? No one. That's who. It's genius. Also, I was invited to go by The Girl when it first came out in the theaters but decided the idea of sitting through a teenage vampire romance film with a dozen 13 year olds is probably like the worst idea that ever was and makes ethnic cleansing seem like a good problem-solving technique, provided the ethnicity you would be taking out is screamy girls who only hear "EEEEEEE!!!" in their heads whenever Edward Cullin lopes his disenfranchized and thoroughly alienated hair about on-screen.
So then my friend is all 'Seriously. All she does is run her hand through her well-planned, messy, just-fucked hair and sigh and act like she's a sad kid who will never quite find her way, despite the obvious desire of those around her to assimilate her into her new peer group" And then I was all "Huh?" because I just saw a cool caterpillar or a used condom on the sidewalk or something, so I agreed to slag on Kristen Stewart because why not?
So I rent Twilight.
And then it occurs to me that I am a heterosexual, 37 year old man with two kids who is renting fucking Twilight on my day off and luckily I thought of this before I got to the counter because that gave me a chance to do a last second grab for Transporter 3 to butch up my rental selections a bit. And then I was sad because I saw that Australia was in, and I really wanted to see that one, but renting a sweeping Baz Luhrmann aboriginal romance and Twilight at the same time would pretty much mean something terribly emasculating. And none of this changes the fact that the target demographic for this film will generally get me arrested if I try and so much as talk to them.
I was only 5 minutes into the movie before someone said "chillax" which sounded so wrong to my ears that now I'm pretty much sure I'm a pedophile by association and I feel like I should be calling some neighborhood watch board to tell them I've moved in and they'll put up angry fliers with my picture on them. The rest of the movie is a tangled mess and I can't even pay attention because all I can do is think about Edward Cullins crazy-assed sparkle-skin and how they've managed to make every single line of dialogue sound stilted and awkward and it makes the movie seem more like Napolean Dynamite with vampires than a serious, non-sexual, Mormon introspection into teen angst and love. And also Kristen Stewart does make me hostile but I can't tell if it's her acting or something more substansive like her face.
So this is the part where I rail on Kristen Stewart but then I decided to go look at her IMDB page because I am so totally thorough I can't even stand it, and it turns out she was the sister in Zathura who got frozen and I hated her and she was the daughter in The Panic Room, and I hated her and as I'm reading her bibliography thing, I realize that maybe it's not right for me to judge her because she is just a person and needs to have a certain amount of respect imbued upon her regardless of the fact that her celebrity is rubbing my nose in the poor quality of her acting. And then the vampire baseball scene comes on and I pretty much want to throw myself off a cliff and now I'm totally ready to bag on her. So here it goes:
Hey look! A catepillar!
PS: WOLVERINES!! <--- because I haven't done that in a while.
PPS: If you missed this week's Mama Pop post, then I don't blame you. I don't like you...but I don't blame you.