Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Get Hurt With A Little Help From My Imaginary Friends

I got nominated by The Panic Room for the Blogger's Choice Awards so this pretty much means it's time for me to starting acting like the super-famous asshole that I've always wanted to be. I've got the whole thing mapped out and it ends up with me finally giving that acceptance speech I've always been planning at the Academy Awards and I don't know how I went from tiny little blogger to winning an Academy Award... it's just fate, I guess. And you can't fuck with fate...It says so right in the Bible after that part about the chickens and the parable of the elephant who hears a tiny voice in the flower. So here's the first part of my speech:

"I'd like to thank your mom for always being there. I'd like to thank the guys who invented tartar contol toothpaste because now I don't ever have to go to the dentist and my teeth are invincible. I'd like to thank BMX bikes for being so rad when you do big jumps on them. I'd like to thank Hattori Hanzo for being a pushy d-bag..."

Hattori Hanzo: Wait...what?
Me: What, what?
Hattori Hanzo: You called me a pushy d-bag.
Me: It's okay, I can say that. I just can't say "douche".
Hattori Hanzo: My problem wasn't WITH the abbreviation.
Me: Then what's your problem?
Hattori Hanzo: My Problem is, you just called me a d-bag in front of the whole world.
Me: Yeah?
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah. That's not very nice.
Me: Your Mom is very nice.
Hattori Hanzo: That is besides the point. And Your Mom is very nice.
Me: See? You get where I'm coming from...
Hattori Hanzo: Yeah. Valley of the Dicks. That's where you live.
Me: Your Mom comes fr...
Hattori Hanzo: Look I'm not in the mood. Just take that part out. I liked the toothpaste thing that was funny.
Me: I have to maintain my integrity. You'll have to fight me for it or be dishonored.
Hattori Hanzo: I'm not really Japanese, so who cares if I'm dishonored.
Me: Good point. Let's kickbox for it.
Hattori Hanzo: Stop. You don't know how to kickbox.
Me: Yes I do. Watch this.  Waaaaa!
Hattori Hanzo: Yelling "Waaa!" at me and kicking over a lamp is not kickboxing... That cut looks nasty.
Me: Do not pity me! I am legend! Waaa!
Hattori Hanzo: Seriously Man, you're getting blood everywhere. And you look a little pale... did you nick an artery or something?
Me: Wow. This room is really spinny.
Hattori Hanzo:Medic!

PS: Vote here:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!


The Panic Room said...

I am going to figure out how to cheat and vote for you like 10,000 times. Good speech.

Mona Lott said...

Yer funny.

So who am I voting for?

Soda and Candy said...

Boo, you have to create an account to vote? That reeks of effort.

Would you do it for me Kurt?

*stares hard into your eyes*

Would you?

Michelle said...

Am I voting for Kurt OR Hattori Hanzo?

Or both??

I am busy please get back to me ASAP!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love when you write about lamps falling over. Ahhhhh yeah, gets me every time.

Vic said...

I always thank BMX bikes in my big speeches. The little speeches I just talk about what I had for breakfast. It's that personal touch.

Dana's Brain said...

Great speech. Don't forget to thank the dinosaur head in your living room!

Char said...

sweet - now about stock in bandaids

Kurt said...

@ThePanicRoom: Thanks so much for thinking of me.

@Mona: Your Mom.

@Soda: Of course I would (*looks away*)

@Michelle: Sorry ASAP, means something else in "awesome".

@SMU. Kid: I am nothing else if not a great entertainer and Jai Ho Spring Kick dancer.

@Vic: You always know what to say, Vic. You should have been a Branch Davidian.

@Dana's Brain: That's like "the elephant in the room" only pointier.

@Char: I so need to get on that.

Miss Yvonne said...

I need to figure out how to get nominated for this next year so I can act like a super famous asshole too. Because right now I just act like a regular asshole.

P.S. Congrats on your nomination!

P.P.S. Your mom can't fuck with fate.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Kurt, you need another hobby. I can't keep up.

Now about these hallucinations you keep having...

I'm Nate's Mom said...

That site was such a hassle, I almost didn't vote. And, really, I voted more because of the challenge than because of you. And maybe I'm lying, but you'll never know b/c you can't see my face.

Nikki said...

I'm just hoping you didn't bleed on the new curtains I made you. You didn't right?!

Mona Lott said...

I finally got the big "Your Mom"...

*Has arrived*