Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Fish of April

So in France today it's 'Poisson d'Avril', because when they changed either from or to* the Gregorian calendar, New Year's Day went from April First to January First and this pissed off a bunch of stupid Freedom people so they decided to mail each other fish because they couldn't get their heads around know...coping. And nothing says "I can't handle changes to my calendar, so fuck you" like a mailbox full of fish and if I lived in France I would totally scissor-kick anyone who tried to put anything of than military awards in my mailbox. Although if I was Freedom I wouldn't probably get so many of those. (zing!)

I hate April Fool's Day because after I've successfully played elaborate tricks on my whole family, they try and get revenge and it is stupid revenge like shouting "Hey Dad! Your car is on fire!" and then I roll my eyes in my mind and do a whole big pantomime of freaking out and I jump up and shout "What?! Where?" and then I pretend to look outside and they shout "April Fool's!" and I'm all "Heh. Shucks. Guess you got me!" but in my mind I'm thinking "These kids think I'm an idiot, because how would I ever even fall for that unless I was seriously developmentally disabled." and then I realize I DID just pretend to fall for that, so I am in fact reinforcing the stereotype that I should be riding "The Cute Bus" as The Girl calls it. And I'm pretty sure that means I'm being racist against myself or something.

The only reason I even pretend to fall for it, is that I keep hoping that if I do, I won't have to endure any more of these little play-acting moments. But as soon as I sit down, it's all "Hey Dad! OH EM GEE**! A Bear!" and I take a deep breath and this time it comes out "what. where." and I don't bother to get up but just sorta crane my neck because I know it doesn't matter, He just wants to play another April Fool's day joke on his moron father. And then he's all "April Fool's!" and I am tempted to tell him not to pick on the handicapped but I know that won't matter either because I'm still going to have to pretend to fall for these motherfuckers like 50 more times before the bus comes. So April Fool's Day to me is pretty much "Pretend to be Retarded" day.

Maybe the fish-box solution was better, come to think of it.

PS: I just played the best trick ever! I jumped up and screamed "I hate you little fuckers! You've ruined my life, stolen my youth, and I wish you were never born!" and then as they stood there in shocked silence I said "April Fool's!" and I blew one of those toy horns with the roll-out paper tube like from a birthday party and threw a handful of glitter and confetti in their faces. ***

*I'm sure these facts are available on-line but I like my blog to be like a "Choose-Your-Own Adventure" but instead of turning to page 56 and being trapped in a dungeon by Injun Joe "The End" , you just either have your facts right or don't.

** The on-going and repeated usage of IM acronyms as real words has led me to trying to find a nice Pakistani loom-works that would be willing to purchase two slightly used American children. All I'm saying is they better start speaking properly because $21,875.45 American is a lot of money.

*** This didn't really happen. I never shouted "April Fool's!" I shouted "Boo-ya!".


Michelle said...

Boo-YA is my all time favorite word. It is a word right???


That Baldy Fella said...

I'm not going to leave a comment on this one.

Ha, April Fool's, I did leave a comment!

OMG, LOLZ!!!111!!

Simplicity said...

OH EM GEE! This had me laughing too hard for first thing in the morning!!

I hate OMG and LOL for the most part. Although, LOL comes in handy when you atually DO LOL, but nobody believes you when it happens.

I tried selling my kid on eBay. Turns out, it's a bad idea. Thanks for the tip about the black market.


Belle said...

Are you like an ex-marine or something?

Moonkee said...

What about the Poisson d'Avril Lavigne? WHAT ABOUT THAT?

Kurt said...

@Michelle: It's totally the best word.

@Baldy: LOLZ111!!!!11. That actually did make me laugh hard. Well done.

@Simplicity: Yeah you have to be careful picking a snakehead who doesn't want to much commission also. Child Slavery is a tricky business.

@Belle: No. I am a current handsome.

@Moonkee: I don't even know what to say about that. That's what.

The Panic Room said...

God Damn, You are fucking funny. I love your blog.

Dana's Brain said...

Who wouldn't be happy to get some glitter to the face? Everything is better with glitter!

Miss Yvonne said...

I played a brilliant April Fool's joke on my husband this morning. I forgot wake him up to take the kid to the dentist and when he called me to tell me they were 20 minutes late because of me, I said "Your mom was 20 minutes late. April Fool's!".

He didn't think it was funny.

Char said...

what? it's April already. crap, how did that happen. I better be waking up soon and thinking this entire year so far is a big fat joke.

Fragrant Liar said...

Boo-Ya? Your poor children. Did you really use the fuck word? OMG, I think I should totally call child protective services on your ass. When they show up at your door, you will have to explain yourself.

I'm not going to say April Fool's because I know you're expecting it.

Soda and Candy said...

Shit. I forgot to bring the Glad Wrap to work this morning!

Also, it's April Fool's?

Mona Lott said...

You have to stop faking, that way they'll have to think REALLY hard (it might take three failed fools before they put in the effort) to try to get you good. Then you can be proud AND covered in something terrible like feces or egg yolks! -But don't worry, they're your kids, so I'm sure they'll use NINJA feces and dinosaur egg yolks:D

My son didn't really know about April Fools until this morning... I tried to explain, but I bet he's gonna have a pretty terrible day. Maybe I'll call that my prank for the year.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I get away with saying mean things to my kids all the time by pretending that we're tight and we can joke like that. Example: "Hey, Nate, want to help me make dinner?" "Uhh, not really." "Loser." "Mommy, why do you always say mean things to me?" "Because, you and me, Nate, we can joke like that." "But you don't say those things to Ally . . . " "Because she would cry." So then Nate feels cool and even a little smug.

Also, I've never found fish in my mailbox, but I have gotten an opened can of wasabi flavored peanuts and, on a separate occasion, a bottle of weird organic beer.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

April Fools Day would be better if it was scary like Halloween, then you could kill a cat or a hooker and drag it into your kids' bedroom and stand over them all bloody and whisper "April fools day. April fools day. April fools day." Then they would wake up and high five and yell "Our dad's the coolest!" In my head this scene turns into a commercial for Frosted Flakes. I don't know, I don't have kids, so sometimes I idealize parenthood like this.

Kurt said...

@The Panic Room: Thank you kind sir. Beat some snake ass for me.

@Dana: It is. Also, Porn.

@Miss Yvonne: You should assure him that someday it will be super-funny once he stops being such a girl. Guys love that.

@Char: As a joke. this year pretty much is being told by Carrot Top.

@Fragrant Liar: I totally knew it was an April Fool's Day joke. (*stops packing getaway bag*)

@Soda: Hahahaha.

@Mona: Shoulda told him everyone hates him that's why their going to be mean to him all day. And when he got home you could be all "April Fool's! They don't hate you. Just I do!" :)

@Nate's Mom: I want the organic beer fairy to stop at MY house.

@SMU, Kid: That would be a great April Fool's day joke except instead of laughing together they would probably involve Child Protective Services or "The Department of Busybodies" as I like to call them.

Anna Russell said...

I don't actually have a smart ass comment today because when I got to your little add on April Fools for your kids at the end, I busted something laughing. I will be sending you the medical bills. Oh no, wait, we get free healthcare here. As you were.

Mona Lott said...

"Just I do." Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

FrankandMary said...

Boo-ya? Really? I feel so old, Mr Acedia.

Captain Dumbass said...

My 5 year old started crying this morning when he found out it was April. I don't think it was a joke. I need to toughen that kid up.

Kurt said...

@Anna: Sorry about the broken something. Feel free to send the bills, I'm like the Bill Hotel. They come in...but they never go out.

@FrankandMary: It's fun to say. Go try.

@Cap'n D: That made me laugh a lot.

The Jules said...

Is the fish-box thing an April Fool's day thang that got out of hand do you think? Like Morris Dancing and pickled beetroot?