Monday, April 13, 2009

Finger Mounted Bang Bars

So I'm out in the front yard talking to my Hillbilly neighbor about how bitchin' his low-rider is, but I don't know any of the cool car terms so I try faking him out by nodding intently as he details all the features of this testament to the art of primer painting. He's all "I've got a Fuller-mounted bullion wheel*" and I let my eyes get a little wider and make a "hmm." sound that obviously conveys how impressed I am and that I had only seen a non-Fuller-mounted bullion wheel in the past and the Fuller really does do marvels for torque or whatever, which I know so much about from all the stacks of Car & Driver I have piled around the apartment and obviously this "hmmm" also conveys my subservience to him because he has a much bigger penis than I do, and it's probably from all the Fuller mounting. 

Really though, all I'm thinking about is the purple glowy neon that he has rigged up  along the floorboards  and how nicely it augments the words "My Bitches" he has written in cursive along the passenger side door. And then I think about all the classy ladies one would be able to attract in a purple glowy low-rider with bad paint and a chain steering wheel. And then I think about how it would be a miracle if anyone other than a blind person bought this car because it is a complete nightmare and why the hell would you sell a car to a blind person? That's just reckless. And it's also mean, because everyone would know that they obviously were blind and have no idea what their car even looks like, so the blind driver would be treated differently as he careened drunkenly off parked cars on both sides of the street, and I'm pretty sure that's racist so the Hillbilly better vet out his potential buyers very carefully unless he wants to be a big racist. And I'm not sure how you would vet a blind person other than by throwing shit at them and seeing if they have sonar or whatever as they bob and weave to avoid getting hit by the oranges you are chucking at their head.

And the other thing I'm thinking is that I have to pee. 

I duck my head down and make a show of looking under the front axle. Another non-committal grunt from me that says "Wow, this was a very impressive and surprising squat! I cannot believe what you've done here!" but then I look back and he's got this quizzical look on his face, so I know I've just done something wrong and obviously I'm not looking at the Filbert-Mounted billiard rod or whatever it was, so I cover it up by saying "Are those 18s?" and then he smiles and tells me they aren't, they are 20s or 24s or something and it really doesn't matter, he could have said they were "asparagus" and it would've made the same amount of sense to me and I don't have a goddamn clue what we're talking about other than the fact that something, I think the rims maybe, are bigger than I had pretend-thought they were. And then he turns on the stereo and it's more rap-metal and I'm pretty sure the whole bed of the low rider is one big bass speaker and also I'm sure I'm pretty sure I'm sterile now from the massive dose of Disturbed I've just been exposed to. Ooo-Wa-Ah-ah-ah! 

I nod sagely and now he's talking about torque ratios and horsepower calculations and my mind kind of glazes over so I just nod a bunch and stare at the shiny chrome skull he's using as a hood ornament and I'm wondering what I can have for dinner because we just had pizza but I'm really hungry for it and there's that new shop in town and they have a wonderful sweet sauce but they were really expensive and that's too bad, because I sure would like one of those again tonight, and then I realize he's not talking anymore and he's staring at me, and I'm still nodding so I stop, and then I smile and say something brilliant like "Heh. THAT doesn't come standard off the floor!" and then we both laugh with great whimsy and shake our heads and "hohoho"  and then I go back to thinking about pizza and I wonder if they have pinapple and ham because that would go great with that sweet sauce.

* I really don't have any idea what he said. Other possibilites include "Filbert-mounted Sway Stick", "Fungal Mounted Crate Rod", and "Finger-mounted Bang Bar" and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the last one, but I was looking for an excuse to say "finger-bang" and I found one, so high-five! Way to go, Me! I'm the Richard Pryor of Pedophilia.


Kristine said...

You should've asked him why the flags are at half-mast.

FrankandMary said...

No capacity to see our common ground in this one but I will try to fix that by using finger-bang in a sentence today.

I nodded sagely once but no one bought it.

Miss Yvonne said...

Excellent use of the word "mounted". Richard Pryor would be so proud.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

A finger mounted bang bar would just be superfluous, don't you think? Like you wearing a robe over your robe. Or my mom wearing a merkin.

Nikki said...

Did you say pineapple and ham? mmMmm. Oh yeah, the car bit was funny too.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: I should have punched him in his tooth and run away

@Mary: The trick to nodding sagely is the grunt.

@Miss Yvonne: I thought you'd like that. (*insert "Your Mom loves an excellent mounting" joke here*)

@SMU, Kid: I realize I was being redundant but nothing in a car sounds like the "Dirty DP Fuck Pole" so I had to wing it a bit.

@Nikki: Pineapple and ham actually come from the same plant. That's why they taste so good together. True story.

Soda and Candy said...

"the purple glowy neon that he has rigged up along the floorboards and how nicely it augments the words "My Bitches" he has written in cursive along the passenger side door."

Man, I wish I was still single. This guy sounds like a catch.

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, you are so cool. You're like the squatting gangsta of NY State. Fo' sho, yo.

Brandy Rose said...

"Finger-mounted Bang Bar"...somebody's mind is in the gutter. Tsk, tsk.

Kurt said...

@Soda: Actually there is a MRS. Hillbilly who would probably take exception to you messin' with her beau.

@Anna Russell: You have mad street cred, Yo.

@Brandy Rose: I don't even know what a gutter is that's how pristine MY mind is. Maybe YOUR mind is in the gutter...ever think about that? :)

Scandalous Housewife said...

Ok, the part where he wrote 'My Bitches' in cursive: Does it include a list of his bitches?

Soda and Candy said...

Damn it!

Char said...

ham & pineapple? I like it.

Mona Lott said...

"I'm pretty sure I'm sterile now from the massive dose of Disturbed I've just been exposed to. Ooo-Wa-Ah-ah-ah!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Reading, "Ooo-Wah-Ah-ah-ah!", the voice in my head sounds sortof English professor-ish:p I'm so uncool.

Maelstrom said...

After all that did you show him your own sweet ride?

Vic said...

I think this post officially makes you a woman in some states.

Hilarious, but definitely a girly-man.

Prosy said...

You should suggest that he also get an airbrushed scene painted on the hood or trunk; I'm personally keen on the ones that illustrate the car/truck in the landscape, maybe with the Madonna lit up and benevolently smiling down upon the blessed lowrider.

Frankenfinger said...

Do NOT... feel out of place.
I'm from that hill the billy's emanate, and I don't get what the fuck their talking about.
I rebuilt the engine and transmission in my own truck, and I STILL don't get what their say'en.

I think its some kind of, Latino-ebonic-redneck-techno-hillbillyish?

Captain Dumbass said...

I don't know that I'd be braggin about being mounted by some guy named Fuller, but maybe that's just me. Do you think I could get a chain link steering wheel for an '05 Caravan?

Marla said...

I have a lesbian friend and one of her many nick names is Finger Bang...oh yeah, I get to say that allll the time!

Kurt said...

@Scandy: I think by looking at it he made my eyes his bitch

@Char: It's salty and sweet at the same time like pickles rolled in sugar. Yum!

@Mona: I like the Professor Henry Higgins version of "Down with the Sickness", it's classy

@Maelstrom: I am not currently on speaking terms with my sweet ride.

@Vic: I totally had to register my vagina as a weapon of mass sexiness after posting this. Talk about paperwork! Sheesh! That DMV!

@Prosy: I like my Jesus to play as goaly for the Pittsburgh Penguins and anytime a rival tries to score on him, he strikes them dead. We're #1! We're #1!

@frankenfinger: I actually asked him where the flux capacitor was. He just sort of stood there blinking.

@Cap'N D: Nothing says just got out of prison and I have no idea what year it is like a chain steering wheel.

@Marla: She sounds like a magical pixie.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Okay. I can't handle the low-rider stuff.

I love historically restored vintage.

Chopped, rodded and low-ridered to me is a bunch of messing with things that shouldn't be messed with.

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