5:30 am is an asshole.
If 5:30 were a kid it would have a too thick forehead and little piggy eyes and big beefy knuckles and it would pick on all the other times and it would be a terrible bully, and then I would get pissed at it and threaten to send it away to military school, but I never would much to the chagrin of cute little 8:45 who keeps getting pantsed in front of the girl's volleyball team by 5:30 and now it's starting to wet the bed again and even though it's Mom tells it it's okay and these things happen, 8:45 has no self-confidence at all now and also hates girls and will always abuse his GFs verbally and will threaten to cunt-punch them if they don't stop being so lippy and all because of 5:30 am, so basically 5:30 am is the cause of all domestic violence. I think that's pretty much "Case Closed" and "Your Witness" and "I'll be at the bar if you need me."
If 5:30am where a girl I wanted to date it would give me the wrong phone number at the bar and when I tried to call it right then on the spot, because I'm like a genius detective and no I've never been burned by that trick, I'm just really smart. Shut up. And when I called the number 5:30 gave me it would be the AIDS crisis hotline and I would look up at 5:30 like "What the fuck? I bought you like 10 Brandy Alexanders and you were totally making fellatio eyes at me." and she would be all "Hee Hee! Whoops! My mistake!" and then she would leave and I would have to stalk her because we all know fellatio eyes is what "no" really means and sometimes love has to be pursued, but carefully because restraining orders can last up to 2 years it turns out.
If 5:30am were a dog it would go out of it's way to shit in my yard even though it knows I walk around drunk and barefoot all the time, and sure maybe once in a while it's nice to me and chases away squirrels and repo men, but usually it just howls at 5:30 in the morning, which is totally ITSELF so that means "for no reason" and it wakes me up and if you think hangovers are better if you can enjoy them for longer than you are mistaken. The long hangover is the 5:30am of Slightly Anticipated Vomiting.
If 5:30am was a dresser it would...okay that's stupid. I'm just out of ideas and looking around the room now. If 5:30am were a blog idea it would be about how adorable this cat was that I saw and it would talk about what I had for breakfast and it wouldn't even mention that it was Pop-Tarts because they are too cool for 5:30's school, and it would rely heavily on using UR for "you are" and "OMG" for "Oh Em Gee" and "LOL" for pretty much everything else because it doesn't understand that if it is Elling than it is probably Oh Elling too, because otherwise you'd have to say "LIH!!" which stands for "Laughing in Head*" and "Laughing In Head" is just another way to say "fucking crazy" because when you only laugh in your head it's because maybe your Aunt locked you in a cedar chest with a cat and a dog and a mouse and a bear and it was supposed to be a fight to the death but you couldn't stop crying like a baby so they had to let you out and then they told you it was the worst New Year's Eve ever and it was all your fault.
HEY! I think I just invented something! I'm totally going to start saying LIH!! when something someone has written so annoying that it makes me crazy and yep I'm pretty much a genius. Wait...I just looked it up and someone else thought it up first and now I'm all deflated. See what an asshole 5:30 is? It ruined my dreams.
*I said "head". Heh. You know...like fellatio. Awesome.