Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Fellatio Eyes and LIH

5:30 am is an asshole.

If 5:30 were a kid it would have a too thick forehead and little piggy eyes and big beefy knuckles and it would pick on all the other times and it would be a terrible bully, and then I would get pissed at it and threaten to send it away to military school, but I never would much to the chagrin of cute little 8:45 who keeps getting pantsed in front of the girl's volleyball team by 5:30 and now it's starting to wet the bed again and even though it's Mom tells it it's okay and these things happen, 8:45 has no self-confidence at all now and also hates girls and will always abuse his GFs verbally and will threaten to cunt-punch them if they don't stop being so lippy and all because of 5:30 am, so basically 5:30 am is the cause of all domestic violence. I think that's pretty much "Case Closed" and "Your Witness" and "I'll be at the bar if you need me."

If 5:30am where a girl I wanted to date it would give me the wrong phone number at the bar and when I tried to call it right then on the spot, because I'm like a genius detective and no I've never been burned by that trick, I'm just really smart. Shut up. And when I called the number 5:30 gave me it would be the AIDS crisis hotline and I would look up at 5:30 like "What the fuck? I bought you like 10 Brandy Alexanders and you were totally making fellatio eyes at me." and she would be all "Hee Hee! Whoops! My mistake!" and then she would leave and I would have to stalk her because we all know fellatio eyes is what "no" really means and sometimes love has to be pursued, but carefully because restraining orders can last up to 2 years it turns out.

If 5:30am were a dog it would go out of it's way to shit in my yard even though it knows I walk around drunk and barefoot all the time, and sure maybe once in a while it's nice to me and chases away squirrels and repo men, but usually it just howls at 5:30 in the morning, which is totally ITSELF so that means "for no reason" and it wakes me up and if you think hangovers are better if you can enjoy them for longer than you are mistaken. The long hangover is the 5:30am of Slightly Anticipated Vomiting.

If 5:30am was a dresser it would...okay that's stupid. I'm just out of ideas and looking around the room now. If 5:30am were a blog idea it would be about how adorable this cat was that I saw and it would talk about what I had for breakfast and it wouldn't even mention that it was Pop-Tarts because they are too cool for 5:30's school, and it would rely heavily on using UR for "you are" and "OMG" for "Oh Em Gee" and "LOL" for pretty much everything else because it doesn't understand that if it is Elling than it is probably Oh Elling too, because otherwise you'd have to say "LIH!!" which stands for "Laughing in Head*" and "Laughing In Head" is just another way to say "fucking crazy" because when you only laugh in your head it's because maybe your Aunt locked you in a cedar chest with a cat and a dog and a mouse and a bear and it was supposed to be a fight to the death but you couldn't stop crying like a baby so they had to let you out and then they told you it was the worst New Year's Eve ever and it was all your fault.

HEY! I think I just invented something! I'm totally going to start saying LIH!! when something someone has written so annoying that it makes me crazy and yep I'm pretty much a genius. Wait...I just looked it up and someone else thought it up first and now I'm all deflated. See what an asshole 5:30 is? It ruined my dreams.


*I said "head". Heh. You know...like fellatio. Awesome.

21 comments:

expateek said...

OMG, LIH! LIH!

Ow. Now my head hurts a little bit. :-(

Lana said...

i used to like 5:30, but now that i saw your warning about cunt-punches i'm steering clear of that bitch.

Mona Lott said...

5:30 am is the Aunt Ranelle of family gatherings! (You'd know what that means if you were still slumming it. *HERUUUUUMPH!*

I laughed my ass off from the first sentence. I think this one would be fucking fantastic as stand-up... Ever consider it?

erin said...

If 530AM is the anticipation of hangover vomiting, then 630AM would be the horrible headache after vomiting from hangover. Not quite as bad as the anticipation and the nausea..but still freaking horrible!

Prosy said...

I think 5:30am would also be a little bit of the late night bed spins when you are really sleepy but you can't close your eyes because of the Vomiting Anticipation

Anna Russell said...

If 5 30am was a pedophile, it would be the incest of pedophilia (because time is all relative. geddit?).

Your mom is 5 30am.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

5:30 is the dog licking his balls for 10 straight minutes -- 10 minutes before the alarm goes off.

Vic said...

I'll do it. If 5:30 were a dresser, it would have coffee rings and pocket lint on it, and none of the drawers would open without yanking on the knob.

I said 'yanking on the knob'. You're welcome.

sour said...

so...wait...if 5:30am were a dog, it would bark at 5:30am which is itself so ... uhh what?
MBE!
(my brain exploded)
LIH!!!

Soda and Candy said...

I get the horrible feeling that most of my blog posts are, like, 5:45am...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I elled super hard at that dresser part, I have a weakness for aborted jokes. If we could harvest the cells from all of our combined aborted jokes, maybe we could cure something not funny, like athletes foot or spina bifida. Or we could take the DNA and grow a superhuman being to track down and dismember Paul Reiser.

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm not sure why Steam me Up wants to dismember Paul Reiser, I mean beyond all of the obvious reasons, but whoever she hires for that little job could maybe take out 5:30 for you as a kind of double job discount thing. I'm always looking to help.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I LIH all the time. IMO, it's better than LOL.

Kurt said...

@expateek: You're saying my post is annoying?? I get that. Cool.

@Lana: You are wise. 5:30 is all about the low-blow. (*snicker*) I said "blow" (*snicker*)

@Mona: No. Never considered standup. Comedians are all neurotic and fucked up. Unlike writers.

@erin: 6:30 is a gentle fluffy kitty cat. If 6:30 was a bouquet of beautiful flowers, 5:30 would be date rape.

@Prosy: That's my favorite "not at the dentist" bad feeling of all.I like how it's a thrill ride of maybe barfing for like 2 hours. That's so exciting!

@Anna Russell: (*golf clap*) Well played Madam.

@Nate's Mom: That's when dog balls taste best. Trust me on this one.

@Vic: Keep your scandal talk to your own filthy blog, I need to go back and retool my "licking dog balls" comment a bit more. Twss.

@Sour: Sorry about your brain. It was a good one.

@Soda: At least then you've had a couple snoozes though, right?

@SMU, Kid: For some reason the first words I thought of when I read "Paul Reiser" were "prison pillow rape". I don't know what that means but I hope to look into it. "Mad about you", my ass.

@Carolyn: SMU,Kid and I share a mutual simmering hatred for him. She passed me a note that said "Do You Hate Paul Reiser?" and it had two boxes labelled "Yes" and "No". I checked "yes".

Dr Zibbs said...

Yeah but have you noticed how 9:33 AM has been developing lately?

Miss Yvonne said...

I can't believe you figured out the fellatio eyes trick. You must be some kind of genius or something.

Char said...

around here LIH roughly translates to the phrase "there you go"

That Baldy Fella said...

I can tell you for a fact that 4:45 a.m. for five a days a week, one week in three is a serial killer. And not the fun kind like Hannibal Lecter.

Captain Dumbass said...

5:30 is a douchecanoe. I'm so glad I'm unemployed.

Frankenfinger said...

I keep finding my underwear with unidentifiable brown stripes down the back?
Its that dang old 5:30am Dresser!

Ms. Salti said...

Fellatio eyes? I like it...