Friday, April 24, 2009

Dumb Blog, Why Are You Following Me*?

I'm doing my usual thing when I don't know what to write about which is looking around my desk and saying things in my head like "Once, this pen..." and "So, I'm tearing the pages off my Star Wars calendar..." and it's pretty much a miracle that every post I write isn't about envelopes because those are on my desk too and I am feeling a little less than inspired this morning so yeah...a post about envelopes would be rad. And then I'm all "Shit. I could write a post about envelopes. Envelopes are cool." and then I'm doing that thing again where I've said the same word too many times and now I'm chanting "Envelopes. Envelopes. Envelopes" at the computer screen while I try to think of something to write and then someone walks in on me and I feel silly because when I turn to look at them I'm trying different annunciations and that one comes out "En-Veeee LOPE!?" but it sounds like a question and The Boy just kind of stands there blinking at me. I really don't blame him.

And then I see this cool drawing of a panda The Girl has left for me since I'm trying to get some good artwork for this blog because the current design makes my eyes bleed eels, and okay it's  not that bad, but still it's pretty awful and if you think this is some underhanded attempt at soliciting help from people with design skills than I am deeply offended and I challenge you Sir, to a pistol duel at dawn, but watch out because I use the "other" set of dueling rules which exist only in my head and involves shooting you with a rifle from a hidden vantage point as you leave the building and then dragging your body out to the dueling range and standing over your corpse in my knickers and probably dabbing the corners of my mouth with a silk napkin or something as everyone comes running out to see who the winner is. And then they hoist me up on their shoulders and are all "For he's a jolly good fellow!" because everyone secretly hates you and your assumptions about whether or not I want your help, please. 

And now I'm thinking about what it would be like to bleed eels out of your eyes, and that is making me feel woozy because 1) I motherfuckin' hate motherfuckin' eels. and b) I don't want my eyes to bleed anything except maybe love and beauty because those are nice and don't live underwater in reefs, and look all friendly as you swim past, but guess what? that smile is just a trick and now you've got an eel eating your face. Happy? Me neither. Love and beauty would never try to eat your face, they would just sparkle a bit. Sparkles are way better than eels is my point.

Where was I?

Hattori Hanzo: This is pretty much the dumbest thing I've ever read.
Me: I know. It's hard to be the best at what you do.
Hattori Hanzo: Not a compliment.
Me: Lucky for you, I took it that way.
Hattori Hanzo: What was that whole dueling thing where one minute you're sniping people in Victorian England and the next it's the final scene in "Angus" where the fat kid is triumphant and getting the girl?
Me: Shut up. You don't know. Maybe it was "Rudy". You don't know.
Hattori Hanzo: What exactly are you sniping WITH in Victorian England? A musket? That's a good plan.
Me: You better lay off. I'm getting angry.
Hattori Hanzo: Don't. Just stop right there.
Me: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Hattori Hanzo: Oh shit. Not again.
Hattori Hanzo: Well there's no way I'm sewing all those buttons back on.
Me: That was a good one though, right? I'd make an awesome Hulk.
Hattori Hanzo: You don't think anyone is still reading this do you?
Me: Seriously. I need these buttons sewed back on. I have a job interview on Tuesday
Hattori Hanzo: You can't wear your "jammie" top to a job interview. Also, that one has barbeque sauce all over it from Tuesday.
Me: En-veee LOPE?!

* I've reached the point in my writing career where titling posts after bad puns related to Broadway showtunes is reasonable and funny and I'm chuckling to myself about "It's a Hard Cock Life" so really maybe it's time to step away from the computer for a bit.


Kat said...

I think my husband would chuckle about it being "A Hard Cock Life" as well. It must be a guy thing.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I thought your title was a salute to "Finding Nemo."

It has taken me 16 years to cure my husband of saying "on-va-loaf." Yeah, I know.

I was surprised that you're wearing knickers for a duel (as opposed to the robe), but I guess you can't go commando if there's going to be shoulder-hoisting.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Nothing wrong with bleeding eels out of the eyes, as long as they're sparkly. Look into a Be-Dazzler! It's by Ronco, and for the next 10 minutes you can get it for $19.99...

Kristine said...

I wish you had gone with "It's a Hard Cock Life" because a) I get that one and 2) it really is a hard cock life.

Kristine said...

(Also, I'm pretty much singing "it's a hard cock life" in my head right now. It's a good jam.)

Anna Russell said...

How about your background being you bleeding eels out your eyes while pandas eat them, then stuff the skins in an en-veeLOPE?

Dana's Brain said...

Eels are gross. Even sparkly ones. Although... the picture in my mind of sparkly eels bleeding out your eyes is kinda cool.

"It's a hard cock life, for us. It's a hard cock life for us!"

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I have nothing to say, except you had me at envelope.

Kurt said...

@Kat: I think we can all appreciate a little hard cock. HAHAHAHHAA. Okay, that was just stupid. But I did say "cock" Score!

@Nate's Mom: I want to start calling them on-va-loafs now. That's wonderful.

@Scandy: Like I don't own 6 Be-dazzlers©. How else would I get the rhinestones in my "sexy underwear" for the weekend.

@Kristine: I'm pretty much the Marvin Hammlisch of Pedophilia.

@Anna the Jerkface: I'm sorry I couldn't hear you because of what a weak link I am. (see Steam Me Up Kid's blog for details.) :)

@Dana's Brain: A sparkly eel is double-dangerous so Oops! there goes someone's face.

@Mary: I like when Jerry Maguire quotes are bastardized. It makes the world feel better.

Nikki said...

I got stuck on the picture for quite a while trying to figure out what it was then I gave up and moved on.

My little girl says In-Vel-Op. I can't seem to fix it eiher.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Titling posts after bad Broadway puns?? That post of mine recently about tasting the anal gland pencil (in which I also referenced Fame) was originally entitled, "CHOAD!! I'm gonna live for-eh-ever!!"

And that, sir, is why you and I are friends.

Char said...

the title is a broadway pun? huh

I think the antihistimines are kicking in

Soda and Candy said...

good luck with the job interview. Don't invite Hattori.

I'm just sayin'.

Mona Lott said...

Oh man, I'm gonna sing "it's a hard cock life" SO HARD for the rest of the day!

Are we happy about this interview? It's not the far away bastards, is it?!

Good luck or BOOOOOO! Whichever is more appropriate.

TishTash said...

Angus and Rudy in the same post? I have to leave now. You can't possibly expect me to root for two underdogs in the same day. I have to go pour salt in everybody's Friday mornign coffee which has nothing to do with what I've said before, but it just sounds like a great idea.

Miss Yvonne said...

I just laughed for five minutes about "It's A Hard Cock Life". You better google it and if there isn't already a porno with that title, I will total produce it for you.

I keep telling people I will produce their pornos but no one ever takes me up on it.

Miss Yvonne said...

I will also TOTALLY produce.


Captain Dumbass said...

Kurt, you're awesome. I was looking for something to describe how my eyes felt yesterday when I saw my son's principle out on the playground in black tights. What do you think would be worse, the sting of salt water or the feeling of a three foot fish wriggling out of your tear ducts? Probably the tear ducts. Let me tell you, grinding wood chips and dirt into your eyes is no picnic either, but at least I couldn't see anymore.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Re: Miss Y's last comment. TWSS.

Vic said...

You should use the drawing at the top as your new artwork. I heart it.
Eels can read your mind, so it's important never to look them in the eye. Or allow them in your eyes.

Mildly Unstable said...

I really wish you had said "I monkey fightin' hate monday to friday eels"

TMC said...

The joke's on you because Hattori Hanzo DOES know. He does. He knows.

Jillian said...

I think we all get bloggers apathy. I have to actively stop myself from writing nonsense all the time because I feel like #1/I'm not funny enough to pull that shit off #2/No one is going to read it if I'm not funny. I think you might be able to do it. I know I can't. There's a lot of pressure when you know you have people reading it. I don't have the number of subscribers yet where I feel like I have to be awesome every time, but I still try. I can't imagine what it will be like when I hit your level.

Cynthia said...

Screaming eels? or just regular eels?