Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Deadly Eye Virus Pirate

I'm in the grocery store yesterday because the manager is a flake and can't ever remember when my bans end, and I'm looking for stuff for The Boy's birthday dinner and there is nothing really interesting about this post already and I think I remember reading somewhere that I'm supposed to have a"hook", but I'm not even sure I know what that means so I'll just put in a stripper pole.

So as I walk past the stripper pole and all the gyrating and grinding women with dollar bills poking out of their thongs like some angry bush made out of shamrocks, I decide to grab some milk from the dairy case and I promise I won't write anything about THAT decision because although it sounds interesting and what the fuck difference does it make if I ingest 1% fat vs fat-free, it really isn't interesting and I'm walking the razor's edge of boring you to death, but that's what happens when you read with FIRE! You might get burned!

So the strippers are pretty much humping everything and I've grabbed "some" milk of undetermined fat content, when I see this mom* walking into the store and she's got like a thousand kids with her and they are all vaguely dirty, like not gross with two trails of snot hanging out of their nose that you can see because of all the dust that has settled on them, but just a little smudgy at the edges, like all kids get by 5 o'clock at night in springtime. The thing is one of those little bastards has on an eye patch and that's a problem because I instantly think I'm about to be robbed or maybe shanghai'd. And I know that seems a little defensive but when you spent as much time as I have pretending your couch is a pirate ship, and the rug is the ocean and the dog is a great white shark named "Fish Sandwich", then this is pretty much a survival instinct.

Also any kid in an eye patch has been getting in some shit. You don't get eye patches sitting quietly at your desk and doing your cursive practice, you get it by putting your eye near shit it's not supposed to with malice to the EXTREME! You get it by poking things and squeezing things and fucking around, and yeah maybe this kid was cute and he had on big square plastic glasses over his eyepatch and he walked all slumpy like maybe he got yelled at in the car for robbing the Dutch of their gold in the Caribbean or whatever, but I know he's getting ready to run me through or slit my throat or wear a frilly shirt and flounce around a bunch. Also there is a chance he has some eye virus or something under that patch and if I get too close he will lift it and infect me, or maybe green light will come out and hypnotize me and he will totally steal my soul and I can't risk that because I would drop the milk and it would spill all over the strippers who are now whirring their panties around and putting their vaginas on mens' laps provocatively to the tune of "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer, and that seems a little weird but I've never been in a strip club so I'm just guessing what pretend strippers might do.

So the pirate child and/or deadly virus assassin walk past me without incident and I am relieved but still I'm keeping one eye on him** in case he decides to start some shit, and I accidentally walk into the store manager who has already been alerted to my presence and he says "Has it been 10 days already?" and I'm all "Chuh! Buy a calendar, Poindexter!" and then I give myself a high five and he just looks at me funny. And I try to warn him about the fungal kid with the eyepatch except all the Nyquil and cat anti-depressants make my words slurry and what comes out sounds like "Twatting cuff nuts!" and I don't know what that even means when I hear it, and I make a face like "What the fuck did I just say?" and HE makes a face like "Cuff nuts?" and then I cuff his nuts and run away shouting "Freeeedom!" like Braveheart©. And I drop the milk before I get to the door in case they have one of those invisible gates that make people's heads explode if they try to steal and maybe I'm making that technology up but why risk it? Also, I'm not a dairy pirate.

*Your Mom. Also, I'm not assuming she was a mom here because I know the difference between sexy and sexist, and I've lived my life by those tenants, and also I asked her as she passed 'Are all these kids yours?" and she just whispered "Kill me." so that's a big "yes".

** Get it? One eye!? I'm like the Dom Deluise during the end credits of Cannonball Run of Pedophilia. I don't even know what that means, Just laugh. Do it! Do it!

PS: I should probably mention that if you have a child who wears or who has worn an eyepatch and you are all offended that I would make fun of a little kid for such an affliction that is probably out of his control, then I would like to ask "Are you new?" and I would hand you the 'Welcome to my blog" starter packet which features a glossy letter-sized brochure that says "Suck it up, Princess" and has a picture of me making wanking gestures in the air. Because I am a caring nurturer.


I'm Nate's Mom said...

Yeah, my kid did wear an eye patch. Wouldn't you know you'd get me with the OCD post and the eye patch post. I've been truly blessed. I wish I had thought of telling people that a green light would shine out of his eye and hypnotize them, instead of just saying he had a lazy eye. And why is the grocery store always such an adventure for you?

Kristine said...

You had me until "I've never been in a strip club"

Kristine said...

(Also, Happy Birthday to your kid! Freaking 9 is OLD. He probably uses the bathroom all by himself and stuff. Lucky.)

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: I'm like 2 for 2 with insulting your kids. Apparently it's not a post until I've potentially offended you. We're like the crocodile and that cool bird that cleans it's teeth. Except if you're the bird, I would totally understand if you shit in my mouth.

@Kristine: That was actually the only thing in the entire blog that was true. Don't get strip clubs, never been to one.

Prosy said...

That kid probably has to wear an eyepatch because he is a baby Xman and he can shoot red lasers out of his eye (only one, because he is still evolving) and you are right to be wary because Xmen are NOT LIKE US.
Also, I never got a welcoming package or a brochure. NOT FAIR.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Ummm . . . what say you are my ghostwriter or I am your muse? Way sexier than some dirty bird picking your teeth. Blecchhh. I'm going to go shower now to rid myself of that image.

Char said...

there's a welcome brochure? and I'm grandfathered in because I'm like the oldest, right? not person but follower for the extra best longest with sugar on top. but, poor kid made to wear eye patch....his daddy probaby would beat on him if he only knew.

Scandalous Housewife said...

If my kid had an eye patch, I would definitely work it, fashion-wise. You know, I'd have him wear one of those ruffled shirts and give him a faux 'hook' hand. Naturally, I'd Bedazzle the shit out of it, too.

sour said...

one time i went to a strip club on valentines day because they had good sandwiches.
true story

Mona Lott said...

I'm dying to know the fat content of the milk you didn't pirate. DY.ING!

I can't believe I've been subjected to strippers and YOU haven't. I'm pretty sure you're the smart one. (Male strippers are WAY fucking scarier though.)

Kurt said...

@Prosy: You're still anonymous. I mailed it to you, but the address was just "Prosy, Funnytown, USA WOO WOOO!!" I'm surprised you didn't get it. With the train whistle and all.

@Nate's Mom: Sheesh! You're all kinds of fussy today. Fine. You can be necrotising fasciitis and I'll be dead flesh.

@Char: You don't get welcomed. You were always here.

@Scandy: Everything is better with sparkles.

@sour: I would go to a strip club if I knew they had a good chicken caesar wrap.

@Mona: Hey cut us male strippers some slack, all that ball waxing is tough to deal with psychologically.

Anna Russell said...

Pirate Strippers! Why has no-one thought of this before? You need to give me one of those copyright symbol thingys.

Freeeeeeeeedom! (I have the accent too and it's way better than Mel Gibson's).

Michelle said...

I never received the starter packet!! Now I don't know how to read your blog the right way!! Kurt, you are really fucking with me. I guess all along your mocking and laughing at my comments because I don't know the right way to comment on your blog!

Can you please send me the starter packet!!!????

Nikki said...

It's not normal what goes on in your head. It' really not. But it's funny to watch.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Okay, you win. But only b/c I just dribbled balsamic on my Mac®, and I'm too upset to argue. Well, that and the Hugh Laurie reference made me forget what we were talking about.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I've put a muzzle on my inner annoying front row nerd who wants to say something about the croc and the bird having a symbiotic relationship (I have the book), and to ask you what exactly Nate's mom is gaining by you insulting her kids. *sad trombone*

Also, sometimes kids wear eye patches just to strengthen a lazy eye. *sad trombone*

Also, I have adult onset diabetes. *slide whistle*

Soda and Candy said...

I love you, Kurt.

In a totally innocent and platonic way, sadly for you, but there it is.

(I'm fresh out of witty comments so I thought I'd try butt-kissing instead)

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm surprised you didn't run by the kid, knock him over whlie yelling "land shark!" over your shoulder. Just to knock the dairy pirate off his game.

Miss Yvonne said...

I know a pretty good eye patch pirate joke, but it's really long and loses something in the translation when it's typed out. So I'll just tell you the punchline.


"It 'twas my first day with the hook, matey!"


Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I bet you rock the blue war face paint too.

@Michelle: LOL! That's so funny. I should have sent you one!

@Nikki: I never claimed that it was, otherwise I could probably be held in contempt of court or something.

@Nate's Mom: Whew. That's a relief. I AM THE CHAMPION!!!

@SMU, Kid: You have so much useful knowledge, I want to chase you around and bash you on the skull and drink it. (*cue Yakkity Sax*)

@Soda: Some people would be shocked by this reaction but it makes total sense to me.

@Carolyn: I don't usually pick fights with 10 year olds unless I'm positive I can win.

@Miss Yvonne: Hahahaha! I'm off my meds!

Vic said...

If you don't cut it out with the nut-cuffing you're going to end up shopping at the liquor store for your son's birthday like last time.

(You could bring him to my son's birthday party. I was shopping for that yesterday too. I'm planning to serve them Corn Nuts because the chewing amuses me.)

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Thanks for sticking up for me, Steamy! You can use those baby windmill arms to cuff him in the nuts for me. And, I'm sure the P90X will cure your diabetes.

Sherendipity said...

I have no God damned clue wtf this post was all about. And I like it that way.

Kurt said...

@Vic: Nut-cuffing is a social ailment and not anything I can control. I blame taxes.

@Nate's Mom: Steamy has a broken vagina plate or whatever and is out of commission for a while I bet.

@Sherendipity: Me Neither! Wheee!

Captain Dumbass said...

That was good like a free lap dance. Kid probably had the eye of Mordor under there. Good judgment call.

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