Thursday, April 23, 2009

Day Four Sounds like "Darfur" a Little

Day Four of the kids' spring break and it's beginning to feel like a military exercise except in my military no one ever gets up on time or wears pants or washes the dishes unless I threaten to go Full Metal Jacket on them.  They are seriously destroying my house so that sort of makes them like termites except termites don't also spend hours arguing about who was the first one to touch the stuffed talking penguin or whatever, and also termites are a little more endearing because it feels good when you kill them, but these are too big to kill without someone noticing.  And also I don't want to because they get me Christmas presents and that's something that termites never do unless your idea of a Christmas present is to have your ceiling fall on you, because then, guess what? 

"Ho ho ho, motherfucker. 
Love, Termites."

So okay the kids are better than termites, that's step one in the not-killing-them process. There are three steps, I think acccording to something I just made up while I was standing in front of the mirror looking at all the bags this morning.

1. ) Identify something that you want to kill more.
2.) Some middle step that I forgot because I found a zit and it was super-gross.
3.) Kill something else like a bug or a boss battle in a video game or a fifth of bourbon.

So I think we can all agree that I need to patent this process except the zit part, and maybe in there instead I'll put an intermediate "Hmm... better think about all the consequences" step, but I don't usually think about the consequences so I'll have to call my BFF and find out what people do when they think about the consequences. And that's a really weird word when you say it out loud and now I'm saying it over and over, so when The Girl finally gets up I'm sitting at the computer and chanting "consequences" and smiling broadly and she seems a little freaked out, and when I tell them it's time to do the dishes she hops right up and gets to work with this slightly popped-out Rabbit eye thing.  And when The Boy starts complaining she elbows him in the ribs and tells him to "Shut up, Dad's acting weird again."

I love with fear. It really is the best way.

In related news: Apple has removed the "Baby Shaker" app from it's iPhone store probably because someone stopped being on drugs for two seconds.  The whole thing was a picture of a baby and an annoying crying sound and you had to shake your iPhone until the baby was dead. Get it? 

I know. I know. Tasteless and funny go so well together. It's amazing they haven't done a duet like Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder or Your Mom and Pretty Much Anyone with a Cock.

PS: There is nothing in this post about "pansexuality" I just haven't used that label in a while and I was worried that it didn't think I loved it anymore. And I totally still do, Baby. 


Carolyn...Online said...

I like that you were equally comfortable killing somone more annoying than your children AND a fifth of bourbon.

Kristine said...

I like your parenting strategies. They remind me of mine. And I love things that bring it back to me.

Mona Lott said...

I mean... This process COULD make you rich. I know *I* want to love with fear! (It WILL make him listen, right?! With bug eyes? 'Cause that would be fun too.)

Worst app ever.

Anna Russell said...

Your mom is step 2.

Also, although killing them could prove tricky, sedation might work. A little chloroform never hurt anyone, right?

Dana's Brain said...

It's definitely never a good idea to kill something that will get you a Christmas present. Never.

The shaking baby thing kind of disturbs me. I'm just all sensitive like that.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Step 2 always gets the shaft. twss. It's like the Jan Brady of steps.

Nikki said...

I like Anna's idea. Where does one procure chloroform?

Char said...

the shaken baby disturbs me too because I worked in that clinic where we treated shaken babies .... horrid.

but otherwise...score.

Kurt said...

@Carolyn: I believe in being diversified. My investment portfolio is the same way. Half old lottery tickets and half National Geographics from the 50s that I stole from my father while he was in the hospital.

@Kristine: I just checked and it actually IS all about you. So we're cool. :)

@Mona: Loving with fear is like Hating with hugs, which is another thing I'm good at.

@Anna Russell: Heh. I laughed at the "your Mom" part. I like to use "The Dream Helmet" Which is just a plastic bag over their head and a rubber band. You have to be super careful with the timing though.

@Dana's Brain: It's supposed to be awful. That's why it's good that it's gone.

@SMU, Kid: You're the Cousin Oliver of Pedophilia.

@Nikki: Seriously. Carefully placed raps on the skull will do the job just as well and involve less chemicals. It's Earth Week, don't forget!

@Char: So other than the shaken babies, we're good?

Soda and Candy said...

In the immortal words of Stewie Griffin:

"Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"

: )

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I was going to say, "That Gerber baby had it coming," until I realized that no one else thought it was funny.

Really, it's a sick app (and I mean sick in a bad way, not a cool way), and Apple should never have let it out. But in their defense, most of those apps are made by 3rd parties, not Apple.

P.S. Way to scare the kids into doing their chores. I like your style.

Miss Yvonne said...

Nate's Mom...I think it's hilarious. But I'm a sick person. Not sick enough to shake a baby for reals...just sick enough to think shaking a fake baby is funny.

That Baldy Fella said...

6.4 seconds, eh? You're the king of baby killing.

Vic said...

I nominate possums as a substitute killing candidate. They're way uglier than kids, and they're totally asking for it. I probably have a few more in the back if you want me to ship you a few.

Captain Dumbass said...

You should talk to Steve Jobs about your list. I'm sure he's already had a few people crucified over that game and he'd be able to tell you where you might go wrong in the whole not killing part. Only, he's Steve Jobs and can have people whacked without consequence and he'd never really talk to you anyway. Sorry, that was a bad suggestion.

Frankenfinger said...

I quit smoking years ago and Ive never found a child control system that can replace it.
How many words have "guen" in them?
Shouldn't it get its own letter or sumpen?
just a thought.

TMC said...

I try to make sure that my home is inhospitable to both termites and children.

TishTash said...

You're like the Machiavelli of parents.

Belle said...

I just can't imagine what it might be like to have you as a dad. Awesome I'm sure.