"Ho ho ho, motherfucker.
So okay the kids are better than termites, that's step one in the not-killing-them process. There are three steps, I think acccording to something I just made up while I was standing in front of the mirror looking at all the bags this morning.
1. ) Identify something that you want to kill more.
2.) Some middle step that I forgot because I found a zit and it was super-gross.
3.) Kill something else like a bug or a boss battle in a video game or a fifth of bourbon.
So I think we can all agree that I need to patent this process except the zit part, and maybe in there instead I'll put an intermediate "Hmm... better think about all the consequences" step, but I don't usually think about the consequences so I'll have to call my BFF and find out what people do when they think about the consequences. And that's a really weird word when you say it out loud and now I'm saying it over and over, so when The Girl finally gets up I'm sitting at the computer and chanting "consequences" and smiling broadly and she seems a little freaked out, and when I tell them it's time to do the dishes she hops right up and gets to work with this slightly popped-out Rabbit eye thing. And when The Boy starts complaining she elbows him in the ribs and tells him to "Shut up, Dad's acting weird again."
I love with fear. It really is the best way.
In related news: Apple has removed the "Baby Shaker" app from it's iPhone store probably because someone stopped being on drugs for two seconds. The whole thing was a picture of a baby and an annoying crying sound and you had to shake your iPhone until the baby was dead. Get it?
I know. I know. Tasteless and funny go so well together. It's amazing they haven't done a duet like Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder or Your Mom and Pretty Much Anyone with a Cock.
PS: There is nothing in this post about "pansexuality" I just haven't used that label in a while and I was worried that it didn't think I loved it anymore. And I totally still do, Baby.