Friday, April 10, 2009

Crime and Punishment

So it's Good Friday and like there has been some big galactic slide whistle blown that cues the audience into laughing about a prat-fall, the flags are all at half-mast and not the little ones like at real people houses, but the big ones at schools and Post Offices and also as predicted, I have no clue who died because I've been wrapped up in my life of adventure and discovery and not been paying attention to what the hell is going on. Obama's still alive right? Because that would suck. 

And of course it's Good Friday so my first thought is that we're flying them at half-mast for Jesus and how that's kind of false advertising because he comes BACK. So then what? You'll fly the flag at mast times 1.5 which is like upside-down halfway up the other side? And then I think about the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he's running around and making Yomesite Sam run the flags up and down the two forts during the civil war and I laugh. But then I'm afraid Jesus will think I'm laughing about him, so I only laugh at half-mast out of respect.

It's going to be a quiet weekend and not just because you-know-who is dead (and no I don't mean Voldemort) albeit temporarily.  The kids will be off doing the Catholic Easter Weekend Calvalcade of Masses with their mom, so it'll just be me kicking around the homestead solving crimes and stopping international cartels of blood diamond smugglers. Either that or I'm just going to lie in bed a lot and read. And yeah maybe I mean comic books, but there is also a chance that I mean something important like Thoreau or Depardieu* or that Russian guy whose name starts with "D" and whose books I keep on my bookshelf to impress company at how hip I am literature-wise, which is just ridiculous because the only company I get is the meter reader and she does not want to peruse my limited selections of Russian existentialist literature most times. She doesn't even want a cup of coffee no matter how much I beg. Sheesh. Give someone their own company truck and just watch how stuck up they get. That's why I'm going to throw a garment bag over her and duct tape her feet and force her to listen as I read a selection of Dostoevsky as I pour hot coffee into her shoes. Someone needs to knock the chip off her shoulder. And that someone might as well be me. 

Seriously though... does anyone know who died? I mean I could look it up but that sounds like work and instead I'm going to pretend it wasn't a person so much as a concept. Like "American Industrial Dominance"  or  "The Last person who thought Taco Bell used real meat." or something epic like that. Wow man. Heavy. I should get going. I have funeral pyres to light in my neighbor's dumpster because he absolutely refuses to turn down the rap-metal in this time of national mourning. I guess he thinks the flags are at half-mast because of all the bodies that keep hitting the floor. 

* To make this joke I totally had to look up Gerard Depardieu and his IMDB profile features this picture, so I'm pretty much a hero for taking one for the team like this. And I'm not saying I'm like the hero cop who gets shot in the head from behind while doing a routine investigation and the whole community should rally behind me as I make a slow recovery, but if you guys want to have a bake sale than be my guests.


Prosy said...

I'm hoping its Lindsey Lohan

Char said...

the flag is not for the post office?

Kurt said...

@Prosy: She's still alive. I know they should have had a funeral for her career a while ago. (zing!)

@Char: It may well be. They are on my nemeses list at the moment though so I'm not even sad if it is them.

Kristine said...

I think the flags are at half-mast because you're so funny that my writing career has in fact died, like, before it was born. Which might bring us back to the upside down halfway up the other side routine.
But really. Bodies hitting the floor. I can't stop laughing. If I were prone to such things, I'd even write LOL here.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Upside down is a relative term. Just like intelligent, and smelly, and ...

Scandalous Housewife said...

Ever considered inviting the Meter Reader into bed with you to read and not drink coffee??

sour said...

i am prone to such things.
except dead jesus isn't funny, kurt.
but ZOMBIE JESUS, well... you know. hilarious.
LOL to the max.

eKati said...

So I've often been frustrated by not knowing who the flag was at half mass for and thought there should be a rule. A rule similar to the one for speaking in tongues; that it can be done unless there is someone there to interpret it. I think the same should be done for flying flags at half mass....there's got to be a sign or an announcement explaining it!

Mona Lott said...

I swear, they'll half mast that piece for anyone nowadays. It's not even worth checking.

Did you know they have to raise it all the way to the top and THEN bring it back half way? Yup, they do. You're welcome.

Kurt said...

@Kristine: Ooh-Wa-Ah-ah-ah!

@Mary: your comment was very meta-. I feel like I should be eating Grape Nuts© right now.

@Scandy: No. She's still mad at me from the time she asked to get her a flashlight and I pantsed her. I told you. She's stuck up.

@Sour: LOL TO THE EXTREME!!! (*Cue BMX jumps and Mt. Dew bottle*)

@eKati: I like that. A nice classy billboard saying who bit it. That would really help.

@Mona: Your Mom has to raise it all the way to the top and then brings it halfway down.

Mona Lott said...


That is all:)

Captain Dumbass said...

Where the fuck is my dust buster?

Michelle said...

This was the best good friday post I've read yet!!

That is what you were talking about right???