And of course it's Good Friday so my first thought is that we're flying them at half-mast for Jesus and how that's kind of false advertising because he comes BACK. So then what? You'll fly the flag at mast times 1.5 which is like upside-down halfway up the other side? And then I think about the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he's running around and making Yomesite Sam run the flags up and down the two forts during the civil war and I laugh. But then I'm afraid Jesus will think I'm laughing about him, so I only laugh at half-mast out of respect.
It's going to be a quiet weekend and not just because you-know-who is dead (and no I don't mean Voldemort) albeit temporarily. The kids will be off doing the Catholic Easter Weekend Calvalcade of Masses with their mom, so it'll just be me kicking around the homestead solving crimes and stopping international cartels of blood diamond smugglers. Either that or I'm just going to lie in bed a lot and read. And yeah maybe I mean comic books, but there is also a chance that I mean something important like Thoreau or Depardieu* or that Russian guy whose name starts with "D" and whose books I keep on my bookshelf to impress company at how hip I am literature-wise, which is just ridiculous because the only company I get is the meter reader and she does not want to peruse my limited selections of Russian existentialist literature most times. She doesn't even want a cup of coffee no matter how much I beg. Sheesh. Give someone their own company truck and just watch how stuck up they get. That's why I'm going to throw a garment bag over her and duct tape her feet and force her to listen as I read a selection of Dostoevsky as I pour hot coffee into her shoes. Someone needs to knock the chip off her shoulder. And that someone might as well be me.
Seriously though... does anyone know who died? I mean I could look it up but that sounds like work and instead I'm going to pretend it wasn't a person so much as a concept. Like "American Industrial Dominance" or "The Last person who thought Taco Bell used real meat." or something epic like that. Wow man. Heavy. I should get going. I have funeral pyres to light in my neighbor's dumpster because he absolutely refuses to turn down the rap-metal in this time of national mourning. I guess he thinks the flags are at half-mast because of all the bodies that keep hitting the floor.
* To make this joke I totally had to look up Gerard Depardieu and his IMDB profile features this picture, so I'm pretty much a hero for taking one for the team like this. And I'm not saying I'm like the hero cop who gets shot in the head from behind while doing a routine investigation and the whole community should rally behind me as I make a slow recovery, but if you guys want to have a bake sale than be my guests.