Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Clowns are So Not Cool

I pretty much always think I am on TV. Like, whenever anything happens to me that I find amusing or interesting or strange I am convinced I'm on a game show or one of those practical joke shows or one of those 48 Hours Investigates exposé shows. 

Whenever I see someone drop money I look away really fast and then walk off in a different direction and pretend like I didn't see it, because I don't want to be that jackass who picks up the twenty and then keeps it and then they pull you aside and ask what the fuck is wrong with you for keeping money that isn't yours. Are you a Nazi? Some kind of hideous sociopath? And they never except "No. I just thought I'd get some nachos with it" as a valid excuse. Instead, I go wandering off in the wrong direction whenever someone drops cash and then whomever I'm with is all "Dude. Where the fuck are you going?" and then I yell back over my shoulder without turning around "Abort! Abort!" and no one knows what the hell I'm talking about and if there was a TV crew filming the incident, I would be way more interesting than a money picker-upper. Because here's a guy weaving erratically against the flow of commuter traffic ducking and weaving some unknown antagonist and yelling "Abort!" at strangers. That's the shit that'll get you locked up. Trust me on this.

I go pick-up my food at McDonald's the other day and the guy taking my money is super-pale, has a big red nose like Grandpa used to get when he spent too many hours at the Moose Lodge and super-curly red hair. Basically, he looks like syphilitic Ronald McDonald.  Like it's uncanny. And the first thing I think is that I'm being tricked. The second thing I think is that, if I looked like this guy I would find pretty much any other job in the entire world. Like I would spend my days Ironing dress shirts inside a cement mixer filled with feces before I would work at McDonalds, because how many people must pull up to that window and  think it would be funny to ask him how Grimace is doing or if he foiled the Hamburglar today or if they could please speak to Mayor McCheese about an important political matter involving pickles? 

All. All the people would  think it, and he has to stand there and give them the correct change looking like Ronald McDonald. Poor guy. If I was him I'd be on the job like 15 minutes before I started spitting in people's food and he'd get all warped from the unending comparisons to the clown spokesperson he personifies and eventually he goes kill crazy and then our McDonald's is on the news and I'm all "I bet it was that clown-lookin' mother-effer." and it sure was and I totally saw that coming.

So when he told me I owed him $12.41 I just shouted "Screw you Alan Funt!" and "Diplomatic Immunity!"  and then flipped him off and drove away instead. Better safe than sorry.

15 comments:

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahaa!

*googles Alan Funt*

Mona Lott said...

Oooooh, that guy. Okay, it's even funnier now.

I wonder... If he worked at Wendy's, would they make him wear the braids? 'Cause really...

Soda and Candy said...

*sigh*

Diplomatic immunity is the best.

I always always always think money on the ground is a TV stunt. But I pick up bills* anyway because eff you society, I'm poor and I need the money.

*Never pick up coins, they will invariably be glued down and make you look foolish and be less than a dollar so not worth it.

[Megan] said...

ok... so this has absolutely nothing to do with your blog, but when i saw it i knew you had to see it, what with you being so into great literature and zombies and all...

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
http://irreference.com/pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies-chapters-1-3/

Consider this a sample of the smorgasbord of banter and brains that’s coming your way in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith.

Miss Yvonne said...

I like to fantasize that I'm on a tv show when I'm driving my car. And there's one of those dashboard cameras mounted on my dash that make your head look disproportionately larger than your body and I have conversations with an imaginary interviewer and I'm really witty and edgy and my show is called "Your Mom Drives A Nova" and it's on Bravo.

Lori said...

Oh the shame that I know who Allan Funt is.

*hangs head*

You bought the filet o fish, didn't you?

Dana's Brain said...

Ha! Alan Funt. I sort of never realized how funny his name was. Funt.Funt.Funt. I'm cracking myself up over here!

Brian said...

That's why you need to do what I do: pull up to the drive thru window on a unicycle smoking a cigar with just a t-shirt on.

Prosy said...

there is this new show where stars (like Jessica Simpson and Heidi Klum) work in everyday jobs and 'punk' people by telling them they 'get that all the time' i.e. compared to stars. So, it probably was Ronald McDonald, and you were on TV.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Convincing myself that every incident is part of a TV show set up keeps me toing the line.

Just in case.

The Jules said...

I think it's an occupational hazard for MacDonalds employees that they eventually start to look like the clown. You don't see them usually as they have to go to a place in the country to be de-jestered. He was probably about to be dispatched there.

Belle said...

Also -this has nothing to do with anything - except Robbie Williams and how I am finally vindicated for loving him;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEQlk9ypn10

Go and watch - because you are the one person that will enjoy this as much as I have.

Anna Russell said...

You should walk into McDonalds, take one look at him, scream "Abort! Abort!" then turn around and leave. If enough people do it, he might get the message.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Did you see that episode of the Osborne's the other night where Ozzy and Kelly were working at the drive-thru and they kept dropping f-bombs and throwing food into people's cars? Hilarious! You know they were just doing what every other employee has wanted to do after about 15 mins. on the job.

The Panic Room said...

AND this http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/70756