Whenever I see someone drop money I look away really fast and then walk off in a different direction and pretend like I didn't see it, because I don't want to be that jackass who picks up the twenty and then keeps it and then they pull you aside and ask what the fuck is wrong with you for keeping money that isn't yours. Are you a Nazi? Some kind of hideous sociopath? And they never except "No. I just thought I'd get some nachos with it" as a valid excuse. Instead, I go wandering off in the wrong direction whenever someone drops cash and then whomever I'm with is all "Dude. Where the fuck are you going?" and then I yell back over my shoulder without turning around "Abort! Abort!" and no one knows what the hell I'm talking about and if there was a TV crew filming the incident, I would be way more interesting than a money picker-upper. Because here's a guy weaving erratically against the flow of commuter traffic ducking and weaving some unknown antagonist and yelling "Abort!" at strangers. That's the shit that'll get you locked up. Trust me on this.
I go pick-up my food at McDonald's the other day and the guy taking my money is super-pale, has a big red nose like Grandpa used to get when he spent too many hours at the Moose Lodge and super-curly red hair. Basically, he looks like syphilitic Ronald McDonald. Like it's uncanny. And the first thing I think is that I'm being tricked. The second thing I think is that, if I looked like this guy I would find pretty much any other job in the entire world. Like I would spend my days Ironing dress shirts inside a cement mixer filled with feces before I would work at McDonalds, because how many people must pull up to that window and think it would be funny to ask him how Grimace is doing or if he foiled the Hamburglar today or if they could please speak to Mayor McCheese about an important political matter involving pickles?
All. All the people would think it, and he has to stand there and give them the correct change looking like Ronald McDonald. Poor guy. If I was him I'd be on the job like 15 minutes before I started spitting in people's food and he'd get all warped from the unending comparisons to the clown spokesperson he personifies and eventually he goes kill crazy and then our McDonald's is on the news and I'm all "I bet it was that clown-lookin' mother-effer." and it sure was and I totally saw that coming.
So when he told me I owed him $12.41 I just shouted "Screw you Alan Funt!" and "Diplomatic Immunity!" and then flipped him off and drove away instead. Better safe than sorry.