Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Big Science Wednesday!

Maybe you don't know this about me, but before I was an unemployed hobo, I was a marginally employed research technician with most of a degree in Physics. And don't get all stuck up and defensive that you didn't know that because that's okay, the most important works about my thrilling life will probably be written after I'm dead, like everyone else I didn't study in history.

My research has indicated that people reading this blog want more non-Effed up content and science and when I say "my research" , I mean "some shit I just thought up while I was shaving and wondering why the sink was draining so slowly and when was the last time anyone cleaned all the gross hair and toothpaste spit out of the drain anyway(s)". So here it goes. I'm going to talk about Entropy which is a really awesome thing in thermodynamics and I'd get deep into the Maths of it, but it turns out those are really hard especially when the only thing in your notes are crudely drawn doodles of boobies and different attempts at practicing your signature.

What Entropy says is that the universe naturally tends to seek disorder. That any system, has built into it, a tendency to devolve into randomness. That all things break down and the subsequent changes of state are a function of how the energy of said system seeks to be freed.

I had to look that up because I missed the majority of my lectures in thermodynamics because my lab partner had great cans but she was totally a prude and wouldn't show them to me, and I bet she was an Amish and not a hot Amish like the girl from Witness but a regular "fuck buttons" Amish. And she wouldn't show them to me even though I wrote her this really clever thing about the Three Laws of Nipple Dynamics. And then she asked to have her seat moved so I guess she misses out on the great love of her life, too bad sister...you blew it!

The reason I'm writing about entropy is because when I got done shaving I looked in the mirror and realized my hair is filled with entropy and every morning when I wake up I feel like I need to check it for squirrels because if I was a squirrel and I saw that thing on top of my head I would definitely want to live in there and procreate and all the baby squirrel calves or pups or goslings or whatever would be running around and then my hair would be an even bigger tangle of squirrel semen and rodents humping so of course I'm going to check for them. And the entropy of it all is just ridiculous but at least it isn't falling out, so there's that.

Squirrel Check in progress. I don't know why my forehead is
so shiny. Elfin Magic?

Also I wanted to write about entropy because it seems like my whole life is stupid with it and maybe if I write about it I will be able to cope better and my Personal Life Statement is something like "live everyday to it's fullest and try to understand the world around you and your interactions with it" but then I would probably want to add something about zombies or ninjas or maybe Pop Tarts©, so the new version could be "Live everyday like an awesome ninja who surfs free porn and try to better understand what makes Pop-Tarts© so awesome and the rest of the world too especially your interactions with zombies when you're tanked on Brandy Alexanders." But that's seems really long so I guess I'll just go with "If she's stacked, go for it." because I'm not even sure if Personal Life Statements are even a real thing and also because it makes a nice slogan for the business cards I hand out on Ladies Night at the local bowling alley.

Also Entropy is cool because when my posts have no point and people are all "Dubya Tee Eff?" I can just shrug and say "Entropy?" and then try to kill them with my mind, which never works other than to make my forehead shiny I guess, but me standing there staring at them and flaring my nostrils and chanting "Explode. Explode. Explode" in a scary whisper is usually enough to get them to leave me alone.


Kat said...

My mind is filled with entropy every. single. day. People are just lucky that my kind of crazy can't be spread through computer contact.

Kristine said...

I'd like to hear more about this Three Laws of Nipple Dynamics. But I'm not a stacked Amish girl, so. There's that.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Shiny forehead? Gotta be the squirrel semen.

Also, I thought all that talk about physics and math meant you just got a job as a high school science teacher. Those poor teenage girls. . .

That Baldy Fella said...

My personal life statement is "No, don't touch me there. Left a bit. There you go" which seems to cover pretty much any given situation.

erin said...

I am possibly the smartest person in the world (and dripping from head to toe in sarcasm) but it took me five minutes to figure out what 'Dubya Tee Eff' meant.

Frankenfinger said...

"Dubya Tee Eff" is my new Call Sign.
I'll be stenciling it under the driver side window of my truck today.

HappyHourSue said...

Your coiff is looking very Edward from Twilight. Rrrrrrowr.

Anna Russell said...

We demand a 3 Laws Of Nippple Dynamics post!

Kurt said...

@Kat: You're not my e-herpes.

@Kristine: I'm not a stacked Amish girl either so we have a common bond.

@Nate's Mom: Right. It's teen GIRLS that would have to worry. Heh. Love those GIRLS.

@Baldy: "There you go." is the best way to end any personal philosophy.

@erin: I'm pretty much the most educational blogger on the planet.

@Frankenfinger: This is a good plan.

@HappyHourSue: Wow. Awesome. Great Movie. I'm super-turned on by myself now. :)

@Anna Russell: Diplomatic Immunity!! Wolverines!! Top That!!

erin said...

Oh and you're totally going to love this! ;) I tagged you over HERE

Char said...

dig the mad science look there....maybe you need to puck your eyebrows into a ming-like pointed arch and plot to randsom the world or at least marry dale arden

Scandalous Housewife said...

So what you're really trying to say here is that you're a boob man, right?

Kurt said...

@erin: I love tags. They are my favorite. (*blistering sarcasm*)

@Char: I should totally ransom the world. Think of all the Pop Tarts!

@Scandy: Meh. Not really. "boob" is just a funny word.

Nikki said...

The shiny forehead could be from the squirl semen and maybe you should recheck the hair habitat just in case you missed some midget squirls or something.

Anna Russell said...

I've got your diplomatic immunity right here!! Your mom is a Wolverine!! Your hair is the pedophilia of hirstutism!!

Consider it topped!!

Peggy said...

squirrel semen? I've never been more turned on in my life.

Miss Yvonne said...

Entropy is the new Diplomatic Immunity. That's what I heard, anyway.

Mona Lott said...

"Elfin Magic?" made me cackle. Every time I wake up with a shiny forehead, I'll think of you:p

Pearl said...

Yesterday I learned "eleemosynary" and now today "entropy".
I'm gonna sleep straight through tomorrow -- it's all too much!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This is kind of like my life, only instead of entropy it's atrophy, and instead of doodles of boobies it's a penis and a vagina walking hand in hand under a rainbow.

Prosy said...

I can understand why the Amish think zippers are the devil's workshop, but I never understood what they had against buttons. Buttons are the homely, kind, under-appreciated plain looking girl in your math class who always ends up doing all the work in the group projects. Whats wrong with buttons?! She has a great personality ok?

Vic said...

I live in Entropy House. We have a tree root growing up through the toilet.
All kinds of stuff are seeking to be freed.

Your picture looks like you're inspecting the underside of your eyebrows - have squirrels been there? Embryo squirrels?

sour said...

i just got salad dressing on my keyboard from dubya tee effing and lih - ing

The Jules said...

As is the way of squirrel-hair population dynamics, entropy will prevail, and you may find you have to endure chaotic scenes as squirrel foals clamour to escape and begin a new life in someone else's Barnett.

Eventually though, all will return to a calm state, and it will just be you and the fieldmice.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: That's a good theory. Also it could be pure awesomeness. That stuff shines like glitter.

@Anna: Game. Set.Match. Russell.

@Peggy: I know right. It's like mousse only "gamier"

@Miss Yvonne: Your Mom is the new Diplomatic Immunity

@Mona: Don't cackle. It makes the kids pee the bed.

@Pearl: Knowing is half the battle!

@SMU,Kid: You leave in a magical dream world and does the vagina have an arm coming out of her, because that's a little creepy. You should put a unicorn in there too. Out of Spite.

@Prosy: Aw. Button. I'm sorry the Amish were so mean to you.

@Vic:I can't make my eyes poke out that far to look around my eyebrows because I'm not a cartoon wolf who just say a pretty girl and his eyes shoot out and there's an "Aaa-ooo-gah!!" noise.

@Sour: I'm glad SOMEONE is adopted LIH. You have my respect, madam. And I mean "madam" like "nice lady" not "Head Prostitute"

@The Jules: I can totally fit my fist in my mouth. It's awesome.

Soda and Candy said...

Wow, I think entropy describes my emotional status.

Also, goddamn you, you handsome devil. They will start making face creams out of squirrel semen now!