So I'm standing in front of the mirror and I'm trying to think of good pick-up lines for myself or at least ones that sound appropriately Barry Whitish when it occurs to me that I don't actually know any. So I try "Hey baby What's your sign?" but that doesn't even get me the time of day and then I try "What's a roguishly handsome super-genius like you doing in a place like this?" but then I'm insulted because this is MY place and what's wrong with it anyway(s), and I sure have some nerve, and then I try "Baby, you smell like new money!" which is pretty much the best pickup line ever because it confuses people so thoroughly that they just let you buy them a drink because they give up. And the whole time I'm standing there in my bathrobe and finger pistoling all over the place and doing those little Motown Spins like I imagine they used to do onstage one at a time, but maybe they didn't, but really...in a crowded bar...who's going to refuse a guy willing to get his spin on? With a sexy voice like mine? No one, that's who. And everytime I do a Motown Spin my bathrobe flies open so that's like a special prize and then my phone rings and I realize I've been pretending to be the white Barry White for the better part of an hour and maybe being unemployed makes it extra tricky to manage your time, but this is ridiculous.
So I answer the phone thinking I'll get to try my Barry White voice on someone who isn't me, except when I go to talk my voice cracks and now I sound like Screech, and the person on the other end is not impressed with how sexy I am but instead wants to know when she's going to see her grandkids and if I'm going to the doctor because I "sound like a girl".
*I'm using "Super-Rippling muscles" in the non-standard form here where "Super-rippling" is translated from the original German and means "rarely used and veal-like" and "muscles" still means "muscles" except now they are squishy and kinda gross and I really need to go back to the gym.