Monday, April 6, 2009

The Barry White Headcold

When I woke up this morning, something felt extra awesome about me but I couldn't nail down what it was, so I'm walking around my apartment trying to figure it out. I do a quick roll call: Bathrobe: check, Clean Underwear: Check, Super-Rippling muscles*: Check, Willingness to Party Down: Check... huh. Everything seems in order but then I walk past the mirror in the hallway and do my usual nod and say "Good Morning, Handsome!" and that's when I figured it out. I have a head cold. And my voice sounds like Barry White, and that is pretty much the end of my productivity for today because now I'm going to stand in front of the mirror and say Barry White things to myself and shoot myself with finger pistols and drop myself winks. That's right sore throat = spend day flirting with self. Don't judge me.

So I'm standing in front of the mirror and I'm trying to think of good pick-up lines for myself or at least ones that sound appropriately Barry Whitish when it occurs to me that I don't actually know any. So I try "Hey baby What's your sign?" but that doesn't even get me the time of day and then I try "What's a roguishly handsome super-genius like you doing in a place like this?" but then I'm insulted because this is MY place and what's wrong with it anyway(s), and I sure have some nerve, and then I try "Baby, you smell like new money!" which is pretty much the best pickup line ever because it confuses people so thoroughly that they just let you buy them a drink because they give up.  And the whole time I'm standing there in my bathrobe and finger pistoling all over the place and doing those little Motown Spins like I imagine they used to do onstage one at a time, but maybe they didn't, but really...in a crowded bar...who's going to refuse a guy willing to get his spin on?  With a sexy voice like mine? No one, that's who. And everytime I do a Motown Spin my bathrobe flies open so that's like a special prize and then my phone rings and I realize I've been pretending to be the white Barry White for the better part of an hour and maybe being unemployed makes it extra tricky to manage your time, but this is ridiculous. 

So I answer the phone thinking I'll get to try my Barry White voice on someone who isn't me, except when I go to talk my voice cracks and now I sound like Screech, and the person on the other end is not impressed with how sexy I am but instead wants to know when she's going to see her grandkids and if I'm going to the doctor because I "sound like a girl".

Fin.


*I'm using "Super-Rippling muscles" in the non-standard form here where "Super-rippling" is translated from the original German and means "rarely used and veal-like" and "muscles" still means "muscles" except now they are squishy and kinda gross and I really need to go back to the gym.


25 comments:

Moonkee said...

See if Barry White can locate my shoes, would you? Maybe if he calls to them they'll show up.

Mona Lott said...

Bwaahahahahahahaha! FOILED AGAIN!

I usually get the Sheryl Crow head cold, it doesn't help much with the talking, but I can only ever sing when I'm extremely ill, ya know, between coughing fits.

*shoots finger pistols* (mine go, "p-shew p-shew". What do yours sound like?)

sour said...

Q: in a crowded bar, who's going to refuse a guy willing to get his spin on?

A: the people standing near you might because your bathrobe would be knocking drinks out of their hands all night

Anna Russell said...

You spent an hour being Barry White in front of the mirror? You just had the most awesome day in all of ever (even if your muscles are veal-like).

Spin Kurt, spin for your life!

Prosy said...

I always wanted to be the kind of person who gets a sexy, Marlene Dietrich-esque voice when I get sick, but I usually just sound like Grover from Sesame Street. Which isn't as sexy as you'd think.

Scandalous Housewife said...

If the Barry White voice comes back, why don't you ask yourself to come tossle round in your red, satin sheets.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

"Baby you're looking sooo gooood."

"Tell me what your type is, beautiful."

"You really get my motor running."

Ug. I date myself. Not date-date but you know.

Maelstrom said...

I request an mp3 of you delivering some of your lines be posted up.

Kurt said...

@Moonkee: Barry is not like the Pied Piper of Shoetown or something.

@Mona: Mine either go Pew! Pew! Pew! or just that cheek click that is the internationally recognized abbreviation for Heeeyy Baby!

@Sour: It's not my fault they are stuck up.

@Anna Russell: But really CUT veal...

@Prosy: There's no way that COULD be as sexy as I think.

@Scandalous: Because they get all knotty around my legs and I panic and I end up flopping around on the floor and screaming. Which is only sexy if you are abducting someone.

@BE Girl: Those are good lines. Also "Baby if I threw your ass up into the air it would look like sunshine" That's always a crowd-pleaser

@Maelstrom: Request denied.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Ahhh yes. I was wondering about your defn of "super rippling". Same as mine.

Soda and Candy said...

I've been told I have a sultry phone voice. Only by douchebags, but I'll take it where I can get it (which, clearly, is from douchebags).

Char said...

Barry White...didn't he die of like a heart attack? LOL

Kristine said...

I've always quietly wished for laryngitis every time I feel a cold coming on. Clearly I've had it wrong all along.

Kurt said...

@Mary: It's good to have universal standards.

@Soda: D-bags always have the best compliments like "Your so hot, Yo!" and "Nice tits, Son!" They're like genius warrior poets.

@Char: HA?

@Kristine: I always loudly wish for laryngitis but then the wish comes true and no one ever knows. Because they can't hear me.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Mmmm veal. You just earned your spot at the very top of my family's apocalypse cannibalism list.

Nom nom Kurt. Want!

Lori said...

Did you watch swingers again this weekend?
New Money
Pshaw.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure Barry White once said "Oh yeah we got it goin' on baby, don't we?" so you should try that one out in the mirror. You will totally want to sleep with yourself.

Kristine said...

Well, sonofabitch! Isn't that ironic!

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: I would be a delicious and filling treat for someone. And that's just my junk! (*slide whistle*)

@Lori: I don't know what that means.

@Miss Yvonne: I'm way ahead of you. I totally already want to get in my pants.

@Kristine: I suppose it is.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Barry White morphs into Peter Brady. Hahaha.

Soda and Candy said...

Nice tits, son.

lolololol

Kurt said...

@Nate's Mom: I'm very impressive.

@Soda: I liked that one too. Sometimes I get it right.

Captain Dumbass said...

Ok, you've got the Barry White, but are you the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Damn right.

Dana's Brain said...

A totally creepy guy once told me I had a great phone voice. Normally, I'd be psyched - except it was the totally creepy guy!!

I think the real question is, would Barry White even wear a bathrobe?

Sass Pizzazz said...

@ Dana's Brain - Barry White would wear a satin smoking jacket. Velvet-lined.

Kurt, I was previously 90% sure I had a crush on you. Now that I know that once every 30 years you might have Barry White's voice, I've moved up to 95% sure I have a crush on you. Congratulations!