Thursday, April 16, 2009

Adventures in Unemployment

Today looks to be an exciting adventure because I won't be sitting around the house watching Swedish Vampire movies in my dirty bathrobe and wondering how long I have to wait until I can reasonably say it's time for my next breakfast. Instead, today I get to drive over to the unemployment office and prove to them that I am in fact looking for a job*. And that is like a trip to the Land of Make-Believe© on the Bubble-gum Express© in the Land of Rainbows©. I can barely contain my enthusiasm, and if you thought by "contain my enthusiasm", I meant "get enough booze into me fast enough" than you are probably entitled to some type of prize and also, you are clairvoyent and might even be a witch and Fuck you, Witch**! get out of my head!

The thing with the unemployment office that I don't like is all the unemployed people that hang out there. I mean...gross. Get a job, you leech. I'm only unemployed because I'm waiting for the employer who wants the perfect blend of handsome and genius in its employees and no I'm not being fussy, because maybe I could go work at McDonald's but not after I got banned last week for jumping up on the counter and demanding to speak to Mayor McCheese about his pickle policy. And I can't go work for Burger King either because that big plastic head makes me sweat profusely and maybe pee my pants if you think that is a brave reaction, but if you don't than seeing that big creepy head just makes me extra handsome and that makes ladies swoon and that's bad for business because someone could trip over all those passed out ladies and fall and hurt themselves and then they would sue BK and I wouldn't feel guilty at all because I tried to warn them.

So now I'm working on my spreadsheet that shows all the places I've applied to because they want that as proof that I'm not sitting at home and writing blog posts all day, and what do they know anyway(s)? So I start writing down a bunch of cool sounding places like NASA and this one strip club where a friend of mine says the strippers are really nice and sometimes they don't even charge you extra if you touch them where they pee, and also to the Justice League© because the unemployment people should totally be ready to face the wrath of my super powers if they feel like starting some shit, so pretty much the whole list is kind of like an implied threat which is how my life is too, and on the last line of the spreadsheet I said I had put a resume in at the unemployment office on account of the recent job opening that would come up when I broke my case worker's whole entire face because he decided to start some shit. And then I drew a picture of a dinosaur eating the unemployment office.

I should also tell them that I need double unemployment because the twin that I ate in the womb or whatever is starting to come back alive and his name is George Stark and he hates me because of how weak I am and there are crows everywhere, and shut up if you think this is the exact plot of The Dark Half because it totally isn't and I really just want that extra secret twin unemployment money to help baby orphans.

Help them understand how rich I am. Hahhahaha.

* Apparently "flying around the world in a jumbo jet full of drunken bikini models who are high on life and also ecstasy, and solving impossible crimes and getting in The Adventure of a Lifetime" does not count as a valid career choice. These unemployment people are so stuck up and random.

** If you really are a witch I was just kidding. But if you are looking for someone to curse, I'm not saying my Hillbilly neighbor necessarily deserves it, but he did say you looked like "a man who just had his cock broken off and glued to his face like some type of magical cock-unicorn." I totally didn't even laugh and I warned him about how you could probably even see his thoughts. But he just said "Witches are a bunch of gay!" and so as you can see I'm pretty much a defender of all witch-kind and totally don't deserve to be cursed.


Mona Lott said...


My sister just called and asked what I was doing, and there was this really uncomfortable pause on my end, so I think I just let her assume I was watching porn at 8am instead of sharing with her, the wonderfulness of your blog.

My new farewell is, "Don't be trippin' on all them ladies." I fear people will take it the wrong way, but... not enough to not say it.

Good luck today, champ:D *hair tousle*

Frankenfinger said...

Tonight on Monster Quest: Magical Cock-Unicorns, are they real?
A Hillbilly from New York thinks so.
Monster Quest investigates tonight, on the History Chanel.

Kristine said...

You should wear one of those BK crowns to the Unemployment Office as proof that you were there, despite that ridiculous plastic freak. Then maybe they'll be so impressed they'll tell you about the secret exit so you can run when the guy behind you starts shooting up the place.

Good luck.

Miss Yvonne said...

"Help them understand how rich I am" = Awesomeness. I'm talking the kind of awesomeness that involves dinosaurs.

I'm calling home to tell my husband to read this post because he probably has the exact same thoughts when he's reporting to the unemployment office and I think the internal twin thing could really work here in Texas.

Anna Russell said...

Can Aquaman work spreadsheets? I doubt it, his computer would blow up under water. So clearly, you are a far more qualified member of the Justice League than he is. And you can draw pictures of dinosaurs. Wonder Woman so wants you.

Char said...

yay! a reason to LOVE Alabama. They don't want to see me for me to draw my check. woot woot.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm inspired by you, and now I'm doodling a cock unicorn. She has scrotum bangs.

If she were a My Little Pony© toy, I would comb her pubic mane and sing the song from the commercial, "My little pony, my little pony, I love to brush her pretty bush..." and she'd be one of those scented ones, and maybe she'd smell like Fritos or bleach.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

So, if the unemployment interview isn't going well, just cram a box of Pop-tarts® down the back of your pants and start singing "I like square butts and I cannot lie." And if you don't get that cultural reference, you clearly don't watch as much tv as I do . . . er, I mean, you clearly don't spend as much time as I do studying the misrepresentation of gender in popular culture . . .

Carolyn...Online said...

Unrelated to your handsomeness or the size of the Burger King's head: I pronounce you master of the funny run-on sentences.

Soda and Candy said...

You could always show them your blog to prove that you are single-handedly saving the economy by cutting down on your usage of periods.

Heh, "period".

(In Australia we call them full stops)

Rachel said...

Dress up really nice in an official looking outfit. Then proceed to pretend that you work at the unemployment office, and order all of the other unemployed people around. This would not only be totally fun, but would also demonstrate your stunning managerial abilities to the actual staff. You could even talk to George Stark a bit and get them to believe he is real.

Chelle said...

You should purchase a conjoined twin wearing snuggie-vest for George Stark.

Venom said...

Oh yeah, I love that one about the opening @ the unemployment office!

Kurt said...

@Mona: Thanks for the encouragement. A good head tousle goes a long ways when dealing with crowds of unemployed fuckwits.

@Frankenfinger: To see one you have to stand in the middle of a secluded meadow in the light of a beautiful full moon and then blow glitter out of your ass.

@Kristine: Too bad that guy shooting up the place is ALSO me. But I use finger-pistols and drop deadly winks and everyone dies from sexy.

@Miss Yvonne: Tell the Captain that if they freak out on him and ask why he hasn't been looking harder, the Vulcan Neck Pinch thing DOES NOT work. Stupid Star Trek.

@Anna Russell: You used her rope of truth or whatever to find that out didn't you?

@Char: They can't require people in Alabama to read their mail that's why. :)

@SMU Kid: I can just imagine that My Little Pony now, only in my mind it is impaled on a vibrator and makes a loud buzzing sound when you pull it's cock-horn thing. Ps: Fritos or bleach fucking busted me up. Well played, madam.

@Nate's Mom: I got the reference and I think that is a testament to what a good job TV has done in raising me.

@Carolyn: Thank you. I need a crown for sure but I'm not going to ask for a "crown of periods" because that sounds vaguely menstrual and probably rated NC-17

@Soda: Full Stop! Collaborate and Listen!

@Rachel: That's a good idea and if the ladies behind the desk give me a hard time I could hit them over the head with a clip board and make them run laps. Oh wait. I don't think that's what employment coaches do. Never mind.

@Chelle: George isn't real. Hattori Hanzo killed him off long ago. It was like Highlander in my head for a while there.

Vic said...

Mayor McCheese is never available when I need to talk to him. I've been forced to turn to the forces of the underground, namely the Hamburglar, to get my pickles concerns met.
Hamburglar knows people.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'd hire you just to put the copyright sign on my blog. You're that awesome.

Kristine said...

Ah, man. I've heard that's a painful way to die. What, with the yearning and all.

H said...

I'm so glad I found this blog. I've been cracking up for the last half hour reading it. You use more run-on sentences than John Irving and I thought that guy was a genius. Don't tell my boyfriend I asked, but would you marry me?