Today looks to be an exciting adventure because I won't be sitting around the house watching Swedish Vampire movies in my dirty bathrobe and wondering how long I have to wait until I can reasonably say it's time for my next breakfast. Instead, today I get to drive over to the unemployment office and prove to them that I am in fact looking for a job*. And that is like a trip to the Land of Make-Believe© on the Bubble-gum Express© in the Land of Rainbows©. I can barely contain my enthusiasm, and if you thought by "contain my enthusiasm", I meant "get enough booze into me fast enough" than you are probably entitled to some type of prize and also, you are clairvoyent and might even be a witch and Fuck you, Witch**! get out of my head!
The thing with the unemployment office that I don't like is all the unemployed people that hang out there. I mean...gross. Get a job, you leech. I'm only unemployed because I'm waiting for the employer who wants the perfect blend of handsome and genius in its employees and no I'm not being fussy, because maybe I could go work at McDonald's but not after I got banned last week for jumping up on the counter and demanding to speak to Mayor McCheese about his pickle policy. And I can't go work for Burger King either because that big plastic head makes me sweat profusely and maybe pee my pants if you think that is a brave reaction, but if you don't than seeing that big creepy head just makes me extra handsome and that makes ladies swoon and that's bad for business because someone could trip over all those passed out ladies and fall and hurt themselves and then they would sue BK and I wouldn't feel guilty at all because I tried to warn them.
So now I'm working on my spreadsheet that shows all the places I've applied to because they want that as proof that I'm not sitting at home and writing blog posts all day, and what do they know anyway(s)? So I start writing down a bunch of cool sounding places like NASA and this one strip club where a friend of mine says the strippers are really nice and sometimes they don't even charge you extra if you touch them where they pee, and also to the Justice League© because the unemployment people should totally be ready to face the wrath of my super powers if they feel like starting some shit, so pretty much the whole list is kind of like an implied threat which is how my life is too, and on the last line of the spreadsheet I said I had put a resume in at the unemployment office on account of the recent job opening that would come up when I broke my case worker's whole entire face because he decided to start some shit. And then I drew a picture of a dinosaur eating the unemployment office.
I should also tell them that I need double unemployment because the twin that I ate in the womb or whatever is starting to come back alive and his name is George Stark and he hates me because of how weak I am and there are crows everywhere, and shut up if you think this is the exact plot of The Dark Half because it totally isn't and I really just want that extra secret twin unemployment money to help baby orphans.
Help them understand how rich I am. Hahhahaha.
* Apparently "flying around the world in a jumbo jet full of drunken bikini models who are high on life and also ecstasy, and solving impossible crimes and getting in The Adventure of a Lifetime" does not count as a valid career choice. These unemployment people are so stuck up and random.
** If you really are a witch I was just kidding. But if you are looking for someone to curse, I'm not saying my Hillbilly neighbor necessarily deserves it, but he did say you looked like "a man who just had his cock broken off and glued to his face like some type of magical cock-unicorn." I totally didn't even laugh and I warned him about how you could probably even see his thoughts. But he just said "Witches are a bunch of gay!" and so as you can see I'm pretty much a defender of all witch-kind and totally don't deserve to be cursed.