Saturday, March 28, 2009

Toast and Underpants*

It's like 7am and I can barely focus on what is happening at the end of my bed but I'm pretty sure whatever it is, it's not wearing pants, and then I shake my head because everything I learned about altering my state of mental clarity comes from cartoons and I should probably make the "wubba-wubba-wubba" head clearing sound when I do it. It's The Boy and my initial assment of pants possession is correct. Non. He is hollering something about toast at me, and if there's one thing I've learned in all my time, it's that yelling always makes things go better. My eyes feel like Ileft them in the bottom of a coke bottle and the little bit of undrank soda has turned thick and sludgy and is super sticky and I left my eyes in that shit all night! What was I thinking? The length you go to to impress women, I tell ya**. 

So okay...he wants toast, and as I'm laying there I start thinking about how much work it is to make toast and maybe I should just let this one die off, because he certainly never learned the whole "I should be wearing pants" thing and maybe he's untrainable and then I try to remember what they do to wild horses to break them, but I really have no idea because what the fuck, I'm not a cowboy. If I had to venture a guess they probably sleep with the horse's mom and tell them that they know the horse is used to being the man of the house, but now I'm here, Horse so you better shape up and get me a beer. No wait. That was Dwight Yoakum in Slingblade©  

And I don't know that much about horse psychology because I didn't go to The Center for Advance Equine Wellness or anything. And why do I even care about breaking horses because all I really want to know is at what point does it become okay to shoot a horse for being untrainable. And then I realize that they probably don't do that at all, and oh yeah...I think that's only when they break their legs, not for being unrideable. Shit. I can't break the kid's leg and then shoot him. That will look suspicious. Plus that "hobbling" scene from Misery is gross, and I know I can't do that to The Boy because he's wily. So I guess I better just shut up and make some toast, but this kid will never know how close he came to dying today. 

I'm may be the best father ever.

* "Underpants" is such a funny word that I pretty much go around saying that in my head all day and I have to remember not to do it in public because I would hate to be the one the waitresses gather around the register to talk about. They'd be all "Who let in that guy with the pedophile beard, and the dirty bathrobe? Because that crazy fucker is sitting over there chanting "underpants" and it's freaking me out.

*"I tell ya" is the kind of phrase that calls you up at 10pm tells you about this amazing girl he met and how they were at their kids' Pinewood Derby and they snuck out and went and had filthy sex all over the walls in the men's room. And you're like "Dude. Cub Scouts? That's fucked." and he's all "Your Mom is fucked." so you just hang up on him because he's acting like a retard. Again. Stupid "I tell ya.".

22 comments:

Anna Russell said...

You need to call in Robert Redford. Because toast is just a ridiculous request. Kids - more damned trouble than they're worth, I tell ya.

Char said...

toast - buy him a toaster, that's easy to work

Mona Lott said...

Hm... Maybe if he could master the art of making his own toast, it would inspire him to perfect the wearing of underpants?

I'm going to go stab out my eyes now, as I have a very visual imagination, and I used most of my will to NOT picture this, but I'm still fighting the fight and it's getting old. I'm going to need my will back when I attempt to make the second pot of Joe for the day. Good Kip, man, help me out.

Maggie May said...

Toast!!! TOAST PLEASE KURT!!!!!!

*waiting*

Kurt said...

@Anna: I know, right? They're all stuck up and not wanting to drink the stuff from the bottom of last night's martini glasses. Oh no...they have to have "juice". Fuckers.

@Char: Wait let me get a pen to write this down. :)

@Mona:He can do it. But it's not as much fun as waking me up. see for him it's a win/win.

Mandy's Kidding said...

If you really loved him you would make him cinnamon toast.

Kurt said...

@Maggie: Get it line.

@Mandy: The "cinnamon" is implied. Duh.

Dana's Brain said...

Ugh - will the demands for food never cease with those damn kids? My boy loves to be naked. Luckily, for the most part it's when he's at home.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love "I tell ya"! He's such a romantic, always making sure his lady has a seat on the sink in the bathrooms where they hump. And then he always leaves the bathroom first, so the scouts can point and laugh at him instead of his blushing ladyfriend. *sigh* Why aren't there more men out there like "I tell ya"?

Kat said...

I live in the land of nakeyness now that we are potty training the youngest one. She never wants to have pants on.

Kurt said...

@Dana's Brain: My Son is 35 though.<--not true

@SMU, Kid: He is a gentleman he doesn't leave neck bruises during strangle sex or anything.

@Kat:Yeah. I'd like to say that stops at some point, but I'm not even wearing them. It's Saturday.

Soda and Candy said...

...and if the horse doesn't pull its socks up, "I tell ya" knows a great military school that'll straighten him right out.

Vic said...

He just stood at the end of the bed and hollered? I'm so jealous. At that age, my Boy would have launched himself headfirst on to the bed, pantsless, and stuck his finger in my ear.

Boys ARE wily.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Just teach him to pee outside. Boys love nothing better than to drop trou in public and pee like it's a high pressure hose they have there.

My kids still love to be naked. They'll spend all weekend in nothing but their bathrobes. Wait. Are you their father? Were you that guy that time?

Captain Dumbass said...

A'yuh. Reckon y'otta put gas innit.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm so tired right now I could barely concentrate on your post today, but I'm sure it was awesome and totally didn't involve hitting your kid with a sledgehammer.

P.S. I just want to say that you are pretty much my hero because I finally hit 20 posts and I know it's all because of you. Well, you and my amazing writing skills. Okay, mainly my amazing writing skills and just a little bit of you. Which is probably all I could handle anyway, or so I here. Awwwww yeah.

P.P.S. Told you I was tired.

Miss Yvonne said...

Fuck.

I meant "so I HEAR".

Lea said...

At least you didn't say "underpants" at the cub scout meeting, because they would so understand "underpants" better than "strangle sex" and then they would probably all laugh at you, because you probably would just be wearing underpants and they already were all pointing at you laughing for not wearing pants, oh wait, that was a dream I had about me.... and it was at the market, not some cub scout... nevermind.

Peace.

Amber Dawn said...

A toast request at 7am is much more acceptable than an interruption at say 12:30 am-ish when you and your "sweet love" are all entertwined and steamy with arms wrapped around each other so that there is no possible way the tiny cold hands grabbing your feet belong to said "sweet love". I'm jus sayin......count your blessings and such.

Belle said...

I'm not sure what all this is about, but don't you have cereal lying about, like a normal parent. Jesus - my children wouldn't dare wake me up and ask me to actually make them anything. Why do you think they invented boxed cereal and milk?

I'm Nate's Mom said...

If I had known that feeding the kids was going to be a requirement, I might not have had any. Sometimes, they forget to eat lunch at a normal time (read: when I'm eating), and then they want to eat lunch at 3 or 4 p.m. I just tell them no, sorry, it's too close to dinner time now. Hahahahaha. I've got them down to 2 meals a day, and I've solved the problem of childhood obesity.

Nikki said...

Did you at least throw the toast at his face when you were finished making it?