So okay...he wants toast, and as I'm laying there I start thinking about how much work it is to make toast and maybe I should just let this one die off, because he certainly never learned the whole "I should be wearing pants" thing and maybe he's untrainable and then I try to remember what they do to wild horses to break them, but I really have no idea because what the fuck, I'm not a cowboy. If I had to venture a guess they probably sleep with the horse's mom and tell them that they know the horse is used to being the man of the house, but now I'm here, Horse so you better shape up and get me a beer. No wait. That was Dwight Yoakum in Slingblade©
And I don't know that much about horse psychology because I didn't go to The Center for Advance Equine Wellness or anything. And why do I even care about breaking horses because all I really want to know is at what point does it become okay to shoot a horse for being untrainable. And then I realize that they probably don't do that at all, and oh yeah...I think that's only when they break their legs, not for being unrideable. Shit. I can't break the kid's leg and then shoot him. That will look suspicious. Plus that "hobbling" scene from Misery is gross, and I know I can't do that to The Boy because he's wily. So I guess I better just shut up and make some toast, but this kid will never know how close he came to dying today.
I'm may be the best father ever.
* "Underpants" is such a funny word that I pretty much go around saying that in my head all day and I have to remember not to do it in public because I would hate to be the one the waitresses gather around the register to talk about. They'd be all "Who let in that guy with the pedophile beard, and the dirty bathrobe? Because that crazy fucker is sitting over there chanting "underpants" and it's freaking me out.
*"I tell ya" is the kind of phrase that calls you up at 10pm tells you about this amazing girl he met and how they were at their kids' Pinewood Derby and they snuck out and went and had filthy sex all over the walls in the men's room. And you're like "Dude. Cub Scouts? That's fucked." and he's all "Your Mom is fucked." so you just hang up on him because he's acting like a retard. Again. Stupid "I tell ya.".