Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This Fixes Everything, In Theory

Yesterday was pretty much the worst day ever for reasons I can't go into for national security and also because I am a private person who is unassuming and that way you'll never think I am a superhero should I suddenly gain unbelievable powers from another dimension or the ability to stop time, in which case I am totally going to be one of those edgy superheroes who you don't know if they are good or bad, because I'm going to rob banks and maybe give to the poor, but probably just buy a harem or something.

Irregardless*, I had this terrible day and I'm all moangy and "why me?" when I came upon the solution to my problems that had always alluded me. I decided that whenever I am feeling sad I'm going to imagine that "Yakety Sax" is playing in the background and then I'll start walking around extra fast and patting people on the head**and in no time I'll be cheered up. In fact, my whole life will pretty much be hilarious, because if you've never seen Benny Hill than your parents were probably uptight and they should have let you watch it because even though you didn't get very good grades it should have been obvious to them that one day you would grow to be a handsome genius and then you would write about how they traumatized you by not letting you watch Benny Hill because "It's all tits and ass." and you would come to realize that was not a very nice thing to say but mostly you wanted to sneak over to your friend Sean McDonald's place to see all the boobies. In theory.

I should start adding "In theory" to the end of all my sentences because it sounds super-smart and also because it keeps me from committing to anything. So they could be all "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" and I could be all "In theory" and suddenly I have taken control of the entire justice system in one fell swoop with my brilliant move and it will set precedents that turn the legal world on it's ear and then I can rule America with a kind but firm hand, and I don't know why no one has never thought of this before. And then the judge will say "Yes or No." and I'll call him a fascist, and then it's back to the holding cell, because maybe the world isn't ready for the revolution that is me.

Here's an example of how Yakety Sax makes everything funny...It's excessively kind of violent so if you have delicate sensibilities than I'm sorry, but you have to grow up sometime,Peter Pan:


*If you think this is an actual word or feel like you should use it in a sentence than throw yourself off of a cliff because it isn't and it's pointless and stupid like "No Public Urination" Laws.

**UPDATE: I tried this on the old guy who lives down the street and he didn't think it was funny even though "Yakety Sax" was playing on my iPod. He was all "Get the fuck out of my house!" and who knew being old automatically makes you a cranky old codger?
**

18 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

My parents never let me stay up late to watch Benny Hill because it was all tits and ass. They didn't let me stay up to watch Benny Hill because I'm not old.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: I meant on YouTube. My parents never let me watch it on YouTube, and it was just last year, so who looks stupid now?

Fandango said...

I think I like that movie a whole lot more now.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I like "Alledgedly" better than "In Theory" personally, you can add that to anything as well and then people think you are smart and lawyery

Mandy's Kidding said...

I never knew it had a name, this "Yakety Sax."

Kurt said...

@Fandango: I know. It's much more subtle and nuanced with wacky music.

@Sarah: Except "allegedly" assumes possible innocence and no one makes that mistake about me anymore.

@Mandy: The name is the best part. This whole blog is pretty much just an excuse to say "Yakety Sax".

Mandy's Kidding said...

But now I picture you writing blogs to Yakety Sax. Which explains how prodigious you've been.

Frank said...

Bad things happen to you because the criminals that escaped from the Phantom Zone have found out where you live.

I thought Yakety Sax was the Gladys Kravitz of the neighborhood.

Nikki said...

You so didn't work me in which means my hug wasn't special which means Im not special which means my presence is not special.

Or my hug wasn't big enough to remember which is entirely possible 'cuz I haven't been well which makes my hugs sort of limp.

Char said...

I always thought that was just the benny hill song. so yeah. funny

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This is the anthem of my youth. That's what happens when parents plop their kids in front of the tv to let Benny Hill and The Meaning of Life and Fritz the Cat teach them all the important stuff. Like how to wreak high-speed havoc and have sex with giant hooker crows.

Anna Russell said...

You Americans and your Benny Hill. Over here, we mostly can't stand him. That's why we sent him over. (I have no idea why I'm saying "we" because he's English).

sour said...

mandy's kidding is right. now you are writing all of your blogs to that song. awesome.

The Jules said...

Hypothetically, in theory is a better choice than allegedly . . . I think.

As an Englisher, I never understood the appeal of Benny Hill. You got him and we got Cheers!

Result!

Miss Yvonne said...

When I was a kid, my dad would watch Benny Hill after he thought I was in bed. I thought it was sooo dirty and my dad was naughty for watching girls in bikinis running around an old fat guy. Now I just feel bad for him because that's all he had since my mom wouldn't let him get Playboy and internet porn didn't exist yet.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Yakety Sax is the Gladys Kravitz of Pedophilia.

@Nikki: Oh I do more than one blog a dat...settle down

@Char: Yakety Sax is the perfect name for it really.

@SMU, Kid: I was going to write something about "the Heckle and Jeckle of Pedophilia" but I'm way funnier than that. Or not.

@Anna Russell: I seriously have never seen a whole episode. I wasn't allowed. I just like when they run around and slap the old guy on the head.

@Sour: I wish I could write that fast, it would leave more time for answering summons or sobering up.

@The Jules: Yeah. It's pretty much a wash. Although you gave us "Spaced" and we gave you "Two and a Half Men" so... RESULT!

@Miss Yvonne: I'm afraid to watch it now because I'm sure it's completely tame next to some of the sexual atrocities I've witnessed online.

Brandy Rose said...

Your run-on sentences have infected me, in theory. I think I've been reading you too much, in theory.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: That's preposterous. It's a proven fact that reading this blog makes you smarter and stronger and more beautiful. Imagine how I feel having to WRITE it. These muscles aren't going to flex themselves, you know.