Irregardless*, I had this terrible day and I'm all moangy and "why me?" when I came upon the solution to my problems that had always alluded me. I decided that whenever I am feeling sad I'm going to imagine that "Yakety Sax" is playing in the background and then I'll start walking around extra fast and patting people on the head**and in no time I'll be cheered up. In fact, my whole life will pretty much be hilarious, because if you've never seen Benny Hill than your parents were probably uptight and they should have let you watch it because even though you didn't get very good grades it should have been obvious to them that one day you would grow to be a handsome genius and then you would write about how they traumatized you by not letting you watch Benny Hill because "It's all tits and ass." and you would come to realize that was not a very nice thing to say but mostly you wanted to sneak over to your friend Sean McDonald's place to see all the boobies. In theory.
I should start adding "In theory" to the end of all my sentences because it sounds super-smart and also because it keeps me from committing to anything. So they could be all "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" and I could be all "In theory" and suddenly I have taken control of the entire justice system in one fell swoop with my brilliant move and it will set precedents that turn the legal world on it's ear and then I can rule America with a kind but firm hand, and I don't know why no one has never thought of this before. And then the judge will say "Yes or No." and I'll call him a fascist, and then it's back to the holding cell, because maybe the world isn't ready for the revolution that is me.
Here's an example of how Yakety Sax makes everything funny...It's
*If you think this is an actual word or feel like you should use it in a sentence than throw yourself off of a cliff because it isn't and it's pointless and stupid like "No Public Urination" Laws.
**UPDATE: I tried this on the old guy who lives down the street and he didn't think it was funny even though "Yakety Sax" was playing on my iPod. He was all "Get the fuck out of my house!" and who knew being old automatically makes you a cranky old codger?