Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thank You Hollywood! (NOW with UPDATES!)

I know a lot about movies because I love them and I went to school for them and because I'm unemployed so I've got lots of time to watch them. I rarely endorse movies because everyone has different opinions about what good is and maybe yours don't mesh with mine so when you say "I Loved Pearl Harbor! Ben Affleck is so handsome!" I am inclined to start making faces at you whenever you aren't looking and I tell all our friends what horrible taste in movies you have and all the sudden you stopped getting invited to go with us, and you wonder if maybe it's your breath, and you spend a lot of time breathing into your cupped hand and sniffing,but that doesn't tell you shit, so finally you ask me and I tell you it's because of "Pearl Harbor" and then you hit me with your car as I'm getting out and you claim it was an accident, but MY ASS it was an accident. You, Jerry Bruckheimer loving, piece of shit.

And no this isn't about Watchmen. This is about a film that tries to reach beyond the lofty goals of the Zach Snyder directed superhero opus, and instead takes us on a magical journey to the stars... Where a Mega-Shark is locked in epic battle with a giant octopus.


Now I know what your thinking.  Is that Deborah Gibson as in "I always imagined her in a three-way with Tiffany" Deborah Gibson? The answer is, of course, "Yes" because this movie has so much awesome in it that I want to make sweet love to it until the sun comes up. I want to awkwardly slow dance with this movie to "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner and  I will totally do the white-guy, shuffling, box-step with my arms out straight, so that my hands are only barely touching the movie's hips and I will look over its shoulders instead of into its eyes and it will know how nervous I am because it can feel me trembling a little, especially when Lou Graham hits the really high notes and the chorus is being sung and it will think I'm adorable as I accidentily step on it's shoes for the hundredth time. THAT'S how much I love this movie. We are totally pre-engaged.

The very nature of the film has set the scientific community reeling. I called my friend at Los Alamos and I asked him "Mega-Shark or Giant Octopus" and he said "Is this the same guy who keeps calling and yelling 'I know about Area 51!' and then hanging up?" so obviously the government is trying to keep a lid on who they think will win, because the Russians are probably developing a movie called "Titan Bear versus Mutant Wolf" and they have to hedge their bets.  The only way this movie would be any greater is if it had a better name which seems impossible until you remember:


I think I speak for all citizens of the world when I say "Thank You, Hollywood! Thanks from the bottom of our hearts." and then I do that double chest-beating fist pump and end it with a kiss blown on the tips of a peace sign.  Because I know how to show appreciation.


UPDATE: Further research* has shown that while Mega-Shark would appear to be the easy victor, Giant Octopus would rally late and outwit the 20-ton death machine. 

*"Further research" was me and The Boy pretending  in the front yard whilst waiting for the bus. He was Giant Octopus and I was Mega-Shark, and I didn't even know that Giant Octopi had a "recharge station" and that it looks like our garbage bin, and when they touch it, it heals them completely AND gives them underwater laser missiles, which I ALSO didn't know even existed so I was stupid for even picking this fight, and that's pretty much endgame for Mega-Shark.

28 comments:

That Baldy Fella said...

Do you know what's just made this movie even better? According to the IMDB, it's in 3D which, as we all know, is the way of the future along with flying cars, silverfoil clothes and food in pill form.

TrodoMcCracken said...

The only way this movie would be better was if you replace "Mega Shark" with "Mega Hippo" and "Giant Octopus" with " Your Face".

Or, at the end of the epic battle both the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus find out they are in the Matrix.

Fandango said...

Everyone knows that Pearl Harbor was great because of Josh Hartnett... phhhhhhh. Affleck sucks.

Char said...

Pearl Harbor was only great because of the theme music. Who's this Affleck guy that you're talking about?

Kurt said...

@Baldy: I don't know,Man..."Mega-Shark Versus Giant Octopus in 3D" kinda makes it sound like a romantic comedy.

@Trodo: It is exactly this kind of comment that makes me glad you are my Internet friend. A+ for you!

@Fandango: I stand corrected. He's very squinty and sincere.

@Char: I'll only think Pearl Harbor was great when Jerry Bruckheimer drives to my house and refunds me my 2 hours by telling amusing Hollywood anecdotes.

Prosy said...

I read this article about octupi and how they are like as smart as dolphins at least because the ones they are studying climb out of their tanks and play tricks on the scientists and apparently humor is a sign of intelligence, but it sounds to me like the octopusi are climbing out of their tanks and messing with the experiments and if I was a scientist I wouldn't think it was funny that a giant eight armed creature was trying to 'trick me' for some laughs. I'd be scared. And carrying a gun.

And thats why I think the Giant Octopus will win. Think of how much science he probably knows now!

Kurt said...

@Prosy: Great. Now I'm going to have to check my house for octopi because I'm so freaked out. I like when animals aren't smarter than me.

Anna Russell said...

Octopi takes it. They're like the Joker and Lex Luthor of the sea all rolled into one. Only the sea doesn't care if the good guys win or not, so they never get foiled.

Note to Debbie Gibson: calling yourself Deborah isn't going to make me forget I used to have dances to your songs and wanted to be you if being Tiffany wasn't an option.

Maelstrom said...

I heard an audio clip of that chimp that was just busted for planning ahead to throw rocks at the zoo visitors and the chimp was all "god damned octopus set me up".

Kurt said...

@Anna Rusell: The sea doesn't care about anything it is a cruel mistress... like having to wear clothes.

@Maelstrom: Chimp had it coming. He was getting too big for his britches, what with the swinging casually by one arm and looking thoughtful.

Frank said...

FYI Kurt, Underwater laser missiles are standard equipment for giant Octopi. But they can’t use them when their cloaking device is activated.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your son sounds like some kind of genius/cheat (a chenius), which is the worst kind of genius but the best kind of cheat. Sounds like he's ready to learn the art of the hustle. The dance, not the card-cheating thing.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

The boy wins. Hands down.

Kurt said...

@Frank: Thank God for that. Evolution is weird.

@SMU,Kid: He gets his chenius from his father. I wish I knew who that sonuvabitch was. (Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!!!)

@BE Girl: He ALWAYS does. (*kicks a big clod of dirt and stomps off*)

Nikki said...

You should never pick a fight with giant octupi. Especially if you are but a shark for the octopus has 8 arms and you have, wait let me count, hmm none.

ps The Longest Day is sooo the best war movie ever made and Band of Brothers is the best war series. Just thought I would let you know.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm openly weeping in front of my computer. I don't think I need to read any other blogs today.

Chelle said...

Reason number two why the Octopus would win: JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE. It's totally taking down a cruise ship at the same time as the Mega Shark. Maybe because Debbie Gibson is the entertainment headliner on the ship, maybe because it's a karaoke cruise. WHO KNOWS?

The point is that the Octopus isn't concerned enough about the megashark to even stop destroying the cruise ship. He's just taking them both out like day old pancakes. (That's a real saying.)

I'm more than a little disappointed at how obvious it all is.

Kurt said...

@Nikki: Don't get me started debating movies. I have naps to take. Octopi are too tricky if you ask me.

@Captain Dumbass: That's all part of the plan.

@Chelle: Maybe Mega-Shark has Lorenzo Lamas on his team. That would even things up a bit.

Maelstrom said...

Go to youtube and search on "octopus eats shark". I'm pretty sure it's just the last 2 minutes of the movie so don't go watch if you think it will ruin it for you.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh you KNOW Deborah is on that cruise ship and she's totally singing "Electric Youth", which everyone knows is like her worst single ever and so the Octopus was all "Awww hell to the no!" and gets all grabby with the ship and that's when mega shark shows up because he always had a thing for Deborah back when he was in 8th grade shark school and he'll be damned if he's gonna let some Tiffani-lovin'-laser-shootin' Octopus take her out.

Rachel said...

You had me at Lorenzo...you had me at Lorenzo

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

So is Debra Gibson the shark ro the octopus? I am confused...again.

Vic said...

It so obviously Giant Octopus, with or without the recharging station (which clearly means he is working with evil eel minions, because where else do you get a charge under water?)

Is it Deborah or Lorenzo that rides Mega Shark in the final montage? I keep forgetting.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: Spoiler.

@Miss Yvonne: I can't believe they leaked the plot to you. What are you a Hollywood insider?

@Rachel: His ravishing chest hair is so fluffy and lethal!

@SBA: She is the victim (hopefully)

@Vic: I should have known there would be eels. I better skip this one.

sour said...

well i just assumed the octopus would win because i have seen this youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOEZh1Lbbg

anonymouselasmobranch said...

Well being all marine-science-educated-y and all, I can't say anything about this fight but I can tell you that I once read a scientific journal article about, and I kid you not, a juvenile killer whale versus an adult great white shark. Apparently a scientist witnessed this while out on a "cruise" which is what marine biologists call research trips to make the rest of us feel crappy about our lives. Long story short? Even though the killer whale was a juvenile (read: teenager, which is scary in any species) and needed to breath air, after a few minutes of grappling with the great white it totally bit its head right off. Moral of this story is that great whites are total pansies (I have another story involving jumping sharks and the resulting shark sex) and I want to see a movie about killers whales versus giant octopi- two super intelligent animals. Though they'd probably team up and kill us all, even without lasers or recharge stations or time machines.
End of novel-long comment. Time for more rat vaginas.

Kurt said...

@sour: Freaky ass insects or whatever.

@Meg: I love the way you weild the words "rat vaginas" around with such ease. As if they weren't mighty and awe-inspiring. You're so humble.

anonymouselasmobranch said...

You can only see so many rat vaginas before the magic wears off and you start leaving comments about them on other people's blogs. Also, your ticket is in the mail and I hear rumors that you may have been nominated for an honorary "rat vagina inspector" certificate, due to your mad awesomeness and in-depth knowledge of zombies and super octopus vs. shark battles. Obviously if you know about those, you know rat vaginas.