Thursday, March 26, 2009

Swinging Bachelor Pad

I'm trying to decide how to make my place more bad-ass. I've got the martini sidebar and the bed that flips down and is in the shape of a heart and pretty much demands sex from everyone in the room which is very uncomfortable when company comes over but wasn't planning on getting funky because HEY! now they want to have sex and No, I don't know about being a Jahooba's Witness* or whatever but I will ask you kindly to please release my leg from the iron-like grip your crotch has on it because the last time I went to the hospital with bruised junk they thought I would have learned my lesson after the previous two, so THAT's embarrasssing.

What the room really needs is something to tie it all together. Some kind of ornamentation that will increase the Chai in here and I thought that was bullshit too but it turns out that by manipulating the Chai Tea** , or the ancient art of putting your furniture in places to make mystical energy flow correctly, you can get a total River of Power© going, so I set up all my furniture up in the shape of a fort and I've been sitting in here all day waiting for my mystical superpowers to arrive, but so far all it did was give me a place to hide when that nosey landlord stopped by to collect the rent for last month, and so what if it's the 25th. I'm not the one that made him skip the background check. So I go to ebay because that's where the internet that isn't porn lives and here's the auction I found:

No matter where I go the eyes follow me and also everywhere I look it's raining women! Wait...no... that's just rain.

That's right. You can buy an actual mounted velociraptor head, and I don't know what time-traveling genius came up with that idea but all I can say is Bravo! to you, Sir***. You are pretty much Earth's last line of defense against aliens now so don't let your conquest of the dinoplanet make you stuck up, because we need you man. All I can say about the head is that this is pretty much guaranteed to make panties evaporate and bras go flying up in the air like fireworks and if this thing doesn't get me that perfect stripper-gourmet-chef-trophy wife that I ordered, nothing will. Except maybe another $19.75 because that guy from Nigeria said if I sent him my life savings plus $19.75 he could get me the hottest mail-order bride I've ever seen which is a very bold statement because I've seen a bunch and after he fourth time you've ended up tied to the bed with your wallet missing, you learn a few things about both mail order brides and the human condition. Namely I'm going to need to cancel those credit cards

* I totally know all about Jahooba's time here on earth and how he walked around planting apple trees all over America because I just dreamed about it and if you think that wasn't a vision I'd like to point out that in my vision, Jahooba is a cute blond chic who is wearing pajamas and wants to be in a tickle-fight with me. That's pretty much divine intervention.

**Chai Tea is a very powerful technique and at first I thought it sounded hokey but then I did a bunch of scissor kicks and had another Red Bull and now I swear I can feel the enegy in this room.

*** Or Madam. But I didn't want to say "Madam" up top because what if you accidently thought I as talking about the queen prostitute? I would feel terrible but only in that you had seen through my ruse.


26 comments:

Dana's Brain said...

That head is fucking brilliant! I can never show that to my husband, because then it would end up in our house. And as cool as I think it is - I also think it might freak out the children a little bit.

And now I want some Chai Tea. Even though it's equivalent to drinking a big mug of sugar. Which I would probably also enjoy.

The Jules said...

I've never wanted anything more in my life than a polyurethane velociraptor head.

Although, some sort of panty-evaporator is quite high on my wish list, as well . . .

Prosy said...

You know what else looks good decapitated and mounted on my wall? Unicorns.

Miss Yvonne said...

Whoever mounted (heh heh) that dinosaur head had amazing preservation skills.

P.S. I sat here for 5 minutes trying to figure out why you used "donuts" as a label for this post.

Belle said...

It's cute - but waaay tooo expensive. What about a lava lamp? I've always wanted someone else to have one.
Otherwise Moose Horns are quite classic.
I'm big into interior design, so I'm only too happy to help..

Nikki said...

I will get the dinosaur head and if you and I become engaged in a bidding war let it be known that I may or may not have ties to the Mafia and I could totally but probably not have you offed.

Kurt said...

@Dana's Brain: Chai tea is delicious but has too many calories for me!!

@The Jules: You are obviously a gentleman of refined taste because nothing says thoughtful like "Bzzzt! There go your fuckin' panties!!"

@Prosy: Good luck finding someone to stuff one of those. Stupid PETA.

@Miss Yvonne: I just wanted a donut.

@Belle: Maybe you can help me sort this out then...Doe's the bondage crate go IN or NEAR the sex dungeon. I was just debating it with a ladyfriend and I say "in" but she says "MMM! MMMMMM! MMMMM!" so it's pretty much a tie.

@Nikki: I will let you have it because I am a gentleman who understands it is important for kneecaps to stay assembled.

Soda and Candy said...

I'm pretty sure you can get a free Thai wife with every living room set at Rooms To Go.

Kate said...

WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?!?! I must have one...I think my panties flew off just looking at a picture of it...

Char said...

and here I was thinking I was at the height of coolness because I had two snorting, butt ugly pugs...I clearly have to step up my game.

Belle said...

I'm thinking if you took the gag out her mouth she would be able to give you a more informed opinion?

Anna Russell said...

Can me and Hattori Hanzo borrow your pad for a night? I think the dinosaur would set the mood just nicely.

(I totally misread Char's comment and thought she said she had two butt plugs).

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

That is awesome. I'm a married female, but I'd love one of those over our fireplace.

Melanie D said...

That is awesome!! I so need to get a velociraptor head for my living room. gotta love ebay!

Vic said...

Do you think for an extra fee they would build in a remote-controlled velociraptor roar?

Or it could sing "I Feel Pretty".

Both are good.

FrankandMary said...

Try a restraint chair. ~Mary

Kurt said...

@Soda: SOLD!! Thai wives are the best because they are little and you can hide them in small places if necessary!

@Kate: This means that is working properly.

@Char: You are the height of coolness. You don't need no stinking dinosaur head.

@Anna: Hattori is waiting for you on the pink bear skin rug. I wish he'd put some pants on though. I feel like I'm at Woodstock.

@Mary: I think they will sell one to you regardless of marital status.

@Melanie: I try to love ebay but it keeps making the same bad choices and we're pretty much in a cycle of enablement.

@Vic: A singing dinosaur head? I don't want the panties to explode!

@Mary: Solid advice.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If the mouth were openable, you should put something awesome in there, like jewels or a sandwich. And the next time you bring a lady home, just as she goes to grab for it, snap it shut real quick, like Richard Gere did with the diamond necklace box in Pretty Woman, and then your lady will laugh and laugh a big horsey Julia Roberts hooker laugh and bam you're in love. That dinohead is ladybait for sure.

Michelle said...

Dude, I would so do you underneath that thing!! That actual mounted velociraptor head. I am excited just thinking about it!!!

Carry on!!!

Soda and Candy said...

Kurt, they're very convenient, if less sultry than the Russian version.

sour said...

my pet velociraptor was looking over my shoulder as i was reading your blog and thanks a lot, kurt, you totally traumatized the poor thing with that picture

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: You know it, baby. It would lead to a magical world of frenching possibilities.

@Michelle: I hope you mean paleontology!!! LOL!

@Sour: I can't think of a single thing scarier than a velociraptor with emotional issues. I just peed my pants.

Chelle said...

Mounted velociraptor heads are what made Neil fall in love with me. I told him that I'd personally hunted them and was responsible for dinosaur extinction in general. His nerd side (entire body) pretty much orgasmed on the spot and he proposed. What a sucker, eh?

Nobody really missed that mascot at Dinoworld, anyway. I also have a mounted Optimus Prime head, which I keep put away from when I have fancy company. Usually I mount it over the table and serve kraft macaroni & cheese and popsicles on a naked Japanese prostitute.

It's kinda my thing that I do. No copying.

Rachel said...

You could bring a gal home from a date, take her coat, and hang it on a raptor! For some reason, the idea of that gets me all hot and bothered.

That Baldy Fella said...

My house is incomplete. I must have this essential wall-decorating item.

Captain Dumbass said...

Fuck me! That is fantastic. If I ever win the lottery I want a real T.rex skull to mount over my fireplace. Ooh, no, a Gigantosaurus cause that mofo was even bigger.