Monday, March 16, 2009

Supressing the Monkey Rebellion

So I was reading this article online, and I make that distinction because when someone says "I was reading this article." It implies a magazine article and that they want you to know how very refined they are, because they read magazines without centerfolds and "LA-DI-DA! Look at the genius in his tophat and monocle READING THINGS. I'll get the saddle on the pony shall I, Your Majesty?" And I don't want to imply that at all, so I added "online" because everyone knows that "read an article online" might as well be an admission to surfing for porn. 

In this article, a man had trained a monkey to scale up a tree and harvest coconuts for him. The man, whose name I want to pretend to be Bob because it's actually foreign and when I say it, it makes my tongue tingle, spent countless hours working with his simian cohort, whose name was Brother Kwan but we'll just call him Judas, for the purpose of foreshadowing, to maximize the number of coconuts he could harvest on any given day. There were many days when passersby would say "Say now! That Bob sure is diligent with that monkey. And I don't mean masturbating." Because we all know what "working the monkey" REALLY means so they would be sure to clarify.  Day after day, Judas would scamper up the tree, honing his craft of coconut collection so that Bob could eek out his meager living. And then one day Judas threw a coconut at Bob's head and killed him for no reason other than Bob worked him tirelessly and beat him when he tried to take a break, and then that lazy, no-good, hateful monkey ran off into the jungle never to be seen again.

Bob was eaten by crabs.*

The Moral: Never trust a monkey because they will kill you with a coconut first chance they get. And I've lived my life by this standard and while you may find it difficult to remember, you have to, because otherwise it might be you one day on the business end of a coconut, and why do I feel like I should be writing something like "The Skipper and the Professor were walking to Ginger's hut..." when I write this story? And have you even seen Bob Denver lately?Gilligan be old as shit! Whoops! No, he's not. He's dead. Gilligan is dead**! I don't want to say a monkey with a coconut killed him because we don't have all the facts in, but it was definitely a monkey with a coconut and...

Hattori Hanzo: Stop. He died in 2005 of squamous cell carcinoma of the larynx. Not a monkey with a coconut.
Me: Squeamish Selled what?
Hattori Hanzo: SQUAMOUS cell carcinoma.
Me: You're making that up.
Hattori Hanzo: No I'm not.
Me: There's no such thing a squeamish-celled carcinoma. It was an effing monkey! Admit it!
Hattori Hanzo: (*sighs*) Okay. Fine. It was a monkey. 
Me: I'm like Sherlock Holmes! Case closed!
Hattori Hanzo: You literally just lost your entire audience. Like... they're off polka-dancing or filing their nails or napping because of how fucked up you are.
Me: (*starts singing "We are the Champions"*)
Hattori Hanzo: This is seriously stupid.
Me: "...No time for LOSERS (*pointing at Hattori Hanzo*) cuz we are the chammppioonnssss"
Hattori Hanzo: I wish I had a coconut.
Me: Your Mom wishes she had a coconut!
Me: Sheesh. Talk about your grumpy monkeys. 

*I added this part on my own, as sort of a wishful thinking-type thing.

**This is pretty much expert investigative journalism like they used to do on "20/20" before ratings went to hell and then every story turned into the one about the kids dying and/or being abducted and then dying.  I learned my technique at Genius Detective School.


Prosy said...

I find it unsetteling that you left out the tail end of the article, about the monkey that calmly makes weapons to throw at zoo visitors in his free time. And what about that pet monkey that ripped off the hands and face of her owner's friend? These are all signs of a Planet of The Apes type apocolypse that is happening in our own backyards. DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS!! Start building your underground shelter.

Brandy Rose said...

Do you throw coconuts?

And you need to stop talking about your mother that way, so not nice.


Kurt said...

@Prosy; I don't have to "read" these articles to know all the "facts".

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love how Hattori has evolved into the Dean Martin to your Jerry Lewis. You should write a one-man, off-off-off-infinity off-Broadway adaptation of The Odd Couple, and then come over and perform it for me and I'll throw quarters and dimes at you and get drunk.

This post was so funny I vomited on my computer. Literally.

sour said...

that's how i want to go. killed by a coconut thrown by a monkey, then eaten by crabs.

that's what he said

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: No. no coconuts. Just feces.

@SMU,Kid: OMG!! I just crapped my pants at how funny your comment was and them I wiggled it all around and smeared it all over the walls...because of how hard I was laughing.

@Sour:It does sound kinda of peaceful and organic. (That's what she said.)

Anna Russell said...

Trodo made him do it.

And Hattori Hanzo is not pretend because I do not have sex with pretend things. Not after that one time.

Kurt said...

@Anna: I totally knew Trodo was behind the monkey rebellion. And believe me, I know you two had a good time. He keeps saying "Badonkadonk!" at weird intervals and humming Public Enemy.

Vic said...

Actually I WAS polka-dancing until I read this post, and then I just lost my will to live.

I met a bag boy at the grocery store yesterday with a name tag that said "Simian". Really. I'm checking him for coconuts next time.

Char said...

my cat does not respond well to coconut fetching training - perhaps the dogs will be better.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

LOLOL! I peed so hard after reading your response to my comment that the neighborhood kids ran over and they're playing and dancing and frolicking under the spray from my high-powered Kurt-induced urine hose. Hot Fuuun in the Summertiiiime!

Kurt said...

@Vic: Better to just pre-emptive strike his ass and be sure. Maybe he's innocent. But anyone TRULY innocent.

@Char: I heard that cat has a temper. Don't push your luck.

@SMU, Kid: ZOMG! I just ruptured a hernia from laughing at your response to my response to your commenT!! I'm throwing up blood and pieces of kidney and the whole room is spinning and I'm going to be found dead in a pool of my own blood and excrement from how funny you are.


That Baldy Fella said...

I have a tophat and monocle for when I'm reading magazines*. It makes me feel fancy.

* And by "reading magazines,", I of course mean "looking at porn"

The Jules said...

This is almost as unfortunate as the infamous avacado-picking monkey and Jolly Green Giant incident. He wasn't jolly after that monkey got to work, I can tell you.

Kurt said...

@Baldy: You sir, are a very fancy gentleman.

@The Jules: Avocados are like natures riddle. No wait that's artichokes. Avocados are like nature's guacamole.

Miss Yvonne said...

I love when you tell "your mom" jokes. It's classy and brilliant humor like that that keeps me coming back.

Kurt said...

@Miss Yvonne: I know. I have such high expectations. Hey...I mean to ask... why does the lasagna you sent me taste like fish shit?

Mr Farty said...

Monkeys are seriously fucked up animals. Them and platypussies. Platypii? See what I mean? They don't even know what the word is for two of them, so how are they supposed to mate? No wonder they're going extinct, serves them right. Just watch out for coconut-wielding platypaux. Yeah.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I cant comete anymore with the funny shit that is being written here. I almost think your comments are funnier than your blog...(no offense I mean that it the most unoffendary sort of way)

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

At least it wasn't poo, which is what monkeys usually throw.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Did you hear about the article about the guy who shot his neighbourly lady because he thought she looked like a monkey come to get him? You probably didn't have too because it was most likely you.