Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sounds like Ass©, Only Smellier.

Now that Pringles© brand Potato Crisps has screwed the proverbial pooch and doesn't want to give me a ton of money for an endorsement deal because they are so stuck up and apparently they try to "distance ourselves from certain criminal aspects of modern culture" whatever that means. They think that by talking all legalese and in Spanish or whatever, at me they can out-fox me, but I've been watching a ton of Matlock now that I'm unemployed so I know the value of acting bewildered in a courtroom. Who's laughing now you bastards? That's what I thought.

So now I need a new sponsor so I'm shopping around and I keep getting these weird commercial / promotional links from Axe© body spray where if you click the link it takes you to a moving Maxim Magazine and apparently if you use this product it makes your cock smell like maple syrup or maybe shoes, judging by the way the women are all flocking around the Axe© man. So maybe this could be my new sponsor. I have my hesitations because I personally think Axe© sounds too much like Ass© and I don't even know what kind of man would pay money to spray himself with ass smell, because I just sorta thought that was our default smell. It would be like using your money to invest in currency in another denomination. Anyways, I guess the ladies like ass-smell, although none I've ever met seem particularly fond of it, but hey Maxim magazine has never steered me wrong. This one time they did this hysterical article about COLON Cleansing and it was SO funny. Because of the poop. HAHAHAHAHAHA!*

So I go out and I buy a thing of Axe© to see if maybe I can't whore it up a bit. And the scent I bought was Slammin' Extreme!!© or Extreme Slam!© or BMX Jump!© or something and I sprayed it on and it sorta reminded me of the time I was in Boy Scouts and we accidentally started a pile of tires on fire. And by "accidentally" I mean "completely on purpose" and the fire company had to come and we were severely dealt with for almost setting the whole world on fire. Anyway(s) Axe© smelled like both the burning tires and the gut-wrenching shame we had to endure. And also no girls in lingerie showed up and made sexy surprise faces at me, so I figure I must have gotten a broken one, and I'm going to go back tomorrow and pick up the "Wicked Slammin!!" scent and see if that is any  better.

Fuck Pringles©. I smell like hot garbage now.


*If you've ever read anything from a Maxim magazine you probably have contracted herpes all over your good taste and you should probably get a shot or de-loused or whatever, but seriously... learn a lesson from this. 

21 comments:

Char said...

Axe has a scent that we tease about in our family - Kilo (which is a total ripoff of Killough and I believe Axe owes us money)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm not sure I've heard that proverb about screwing the pooch. Was that a biblical proverb? The one about the girl that cut off her boyfriend's long hair because he fucked their dog? Or how they were cast out of Eden because the snake tempted Adam with a dog's anus?

I don't know, you're the one in dream church.

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

I think when people say, "It smells like Ass in here," they mean it smells terrible. I never asked for clarification though so what do I know?

Marla said...

I have a friend who buys all o'that stuff, axe body spray, body wash, foot powder, Axe ass powder. Apparently he likes to layer on the hot garbage!

Miss Yvonne said...

If you find the kind of Axe that makes your cock smell like maple syrup please let me know because I'm totally buying it for Captain Carl.

Michelle said...

I like ass smell!!!

Dana's Brain said...

My brother had about the worst boy smell ever, and really - can still be pretty funky. I should ask him if the Axe people have been to his house recently.

Maggie May said...

I have to admit I like axe. But then, I like ass too. So there ya go.

Kurt said...

@Char: I think Axe should go brand with Mt. Dew and Playboy for some MotoCross event. THAT would be EXTREME!!

@SMU, Kid: I like that one Bible story where Hercules has to clean the Aegean Stables and they are full of Poop, but He gets help from He-Man and they totally get it done and wake up Sleeping Beauty. It's awesome how much those stories ring true even today.

@BE Girl: You may be on to something there, Daphne. Let's get the rest of the Gang and see if we can't catch that ghost!

@Marla: Your friend is a victim of marketing. I hate it when they go so young.

@Miss Yvonne: I was just guessing because all the girls seem to love the wearer of Axe so much and who doesn't like Maple Syrup? Bitter Canadians. That's who.

@Michelle: I wish I could say I was surprised. LOL!!!

@Dana:All boys smell bad. It's our given right and Duty.

@Maggie Mae: There I go indeed.

Scandalous Housewife said...

My 20 something little sister has the entire Matlock series on DVD, if you wanna borrow. OH, she also has Murder She Wrote. Jessica in da house!

sour said...

oh yeah, shoe scented cock. that's what women want

sour said...

know what i don't like the smell of? honey.

TishTash said...

Don't give up on Pringles yet. They're probably just playing hard to get. If you give up on chips this easily, I'd have to wonder how hard did you hunt for pussy and how'd you end up with kids?

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm not going to admit I use Axe because that would be totally embarrassing but I do wear Hatchet because their deoderant works for me and I have a hella hard time finding deoderants that work and don't leave me smelling like a wet goat and I never wear anti-perspirant because it leaves my armpits feeling all funny and because one of it's ingredients is aluminum and that shit just can't be good for you and also, like, if I wasn't supposed to sweat I wouldn't have sweat glands, would I?

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Hey. Was that a dig?

I can't help that I don't go around smelling asses. Willingly.

Moonkee said...

Pie. We like things that smell like pie. Apple, blueberry, blackberry, Death Star, pecan, banana cream, *chocolate* banana cream ...

I have to go to the store now.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Just buy yourself some Aunt Jemima® or Log Cabin® . . . it's probably cheaper than Axe® and smells better. If my daughter's friends smelled like maple syrup, I'd be in trouble 'cause I love that stuff. And stop using the © when you mean ® or ™. God.

TMC said...

When I clicked over from my Reader I half expected there to be a pic of a dinosaur doing a double-pits-to-chesty with a pringles can in his mouth.

Still, I heard that Pringles is making a megatube or something so maybe they had to create a new bigger, better product before they thought they could approach you.

Mona Lott said...

"Axe© smelled like both the burning tires and the gut-wrenching shame we had to endure." Bwahaahahahahahah! But it's so true. One of my brothers got some... And I know he wants to get laid someday, so I had to tell him No. No... Just no. Plain soap is better.

Maybe I'll call and tell him the new thing is Patuli, that should be good times:D

Kurt said...

@Scandalous: I totally NEED that Matlock series because I'm pretending this unemployment is actually retirement

@Sour: You love honey. just BEE-cause. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'll just punch myself then, shall I?

@TishTash: Won them in a card game.

@Cap'n D: I hear you, Brother. But I bet your not wearing it in hopes of picking up some sweet skate Betty poon, yo.

@BE Girl: No. I was just feeling the Scooby of the moment.

@Moonkee: Well who doesn't?

@Nate's Mom: I don't know how to make those symbols, so too bad for you.

@TMC: I'm sure that's it. They need the awesomeness level to be increased for sure. Maybe have a new flavor like 'Pirate' or 'MechaGodzilla'

@Mona: Patuli cures all sex desire. It's like the Raid of Pedophilia.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

I'd tell you, but then I couldn't roll my eyes© and be condescending© to you anymore. There. Now I've copyrighted eye-rolling and condescension, so nobody better use those anymore (at least not without paying me some sort of commission).