Back to the store. I'm walking up the pickle aisle and it occurs to me that only in America do we have a whole aisle devoted to pickles and WHAT A COUNTRY!! and suddenly I realize I'm doing Yakov Smirnov's comedy bit from the mid-80s, and in Soviet Russia you don't buy pickle, pickle buys YOU! and now it is obvious my brain seriously hates me because any time you're just standing around looking at pickles and thinking about obscure, dated, comedians from Communist Russia that's proof positive that your brain has a secret agenda, and I like to pretend mine was planted by shadowy operatives from deep within the bowels of Millionaire Volcano College, like the Skull and Bones only way scarier. But really I'm probably just being an idiot.
So I'm standing there in this pickle-induced fugue state, not far from where they are giving out samples of some processed pork atrocity that I wouldn't eat even if it was endorsed by an actual talking pig who was all "When they take it off, it TICKLES!" and then he giggles and does a happy little pig jig. The woman hawking this nightmare is about 65 and as she is asking some hapless passerby if the want to put the most unclean thing ever in their mouth, when she spots a co-worker and says 'Where you goin', girlfriend" and then that needle-scratching-a-record sound effect that they use in the trailers for really bad comedies plays in my head.
I was going to make a point about how weird it was for old people to use extremely dated expressions that were marginally funny ten years ago in an effort to stay on top of pop culture but really once they speak it, it is officially dead, just like anything else old people touch because they are like the space energy vampires from that terrible movie "Lifeforce", and if you let them hug you for too long, they will turn you to dust so watch out! But then this post began boring the shit out of me. So I'm just going back to bed. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.
Seriously. It's naptime. Here's your topic: Old People are not so very different from Zombies. (*cue laugh track*)