Tuesday, March 3, 2009

UPDATED: Skynet© Can Suck It

Many people believe that the greatest thing about mankind, and also our greatest fault is our ability to love.  Well those people are wrong. The best and worst thing about mankind is that we have robots. I believe that we are totally the makers of our own sad inevitable demise because we have come to rely on those that would eventually rule us. Look at the evidence. The Matrix©,  the Terminator©,  Gung Ho©, which was technically about the Japanese and not robots but still a car company was going out of business for inefficiency and that always leads to some dumb executive going "Let's use robots instead." and then when Skynet becomes self aware and sends the killer robots is that guy held accountable? NO. Fucker.

Here's an example: 

It's pretty much like being eaten.

This robot goes into buildings on fire and rescues people from a horrible death of burning or crushing or choking, and it does this by making them crawl into its mouth.  If I was in a conflagration* and I saw this thing come wheeling out of the smoke at me, I would throw holy water at it or try to drive a stake through it empty metal heart, and then when the firemen came in over the radio and told me to climb inside it's mouth I would think it was using a ruse. I would scream" Fuck you, Number 5! I'll take my chances with the crushing!" and then the robot would advanced on me tentatively and then it would be sorry because my ability to fight evil robots is only outstriped by my distrust of them. My point is, I'd rather be crushed to death than eaten by a robot and I think we can all agree that is wisdom beyond my years. 

Here's another image that I think brings the whole argument home.:

That's right. It's a robo-dinosaur raping a Cylon. And there's a Proverb**. Case closed.



*I have waited my whole life to use that word in a sentence, so thank you for coming along with me on this epic journey. You're like my Padawan learner. Except you don't have to be Anakin because he can't act no matter what age he is. 

** This comes from a site called "Dinosaurs Fucking Robots" and if it isn't the greatest thing mankind has ever invented than I'm not standing on a rooftop, surveying the city, and looking for criminals to bring to justice.  And by "standing on a rooftop, surveying the city, and looking for criminals to bring to justice" I mean "Sitting in my bathrobe and picking potato chips out of my hair because I fell asleep on the bag whilst trying to watch scrambled porn on the Playboy channel last night." But anyway(s) each careful selected work features a dinosaur fucking a robot and then an inspirational quote. Here's another:


Genius.

UPDATE: I had to add this picture because certain readers who eat ladybugs and who AREN'T me don't believe me that the site is about dinosaurs having intercourse with robots and not petting them.

Your witness, Prosy.

25 comments:

TrodoMcCracken said...

Reading your blog has made me so jaded I don't think anything you can put up will shock and disgust me anymore.

You are like V for Vendetta, instead of taking away my fear you took away my sense of right and wrong.

Miss Yvonne said...

I totally thought that dude was dead and he was laying in a some kind of farm equipment coffin. And then I read the rest of your post and realized I spent way too much time on the farm growing up...because a farm equipment coffin is pretty much an awesome idea where I'm from and I'll probably invent it and make tons of money off all the farmers' wives who's husbands die in farm equipment accidents. So thanks for the idea. As payment, I'll totally give you one of my coffins when you die.

Kurt said...

@Trodo: So I'm pretty much an anarchist superhero? That would be correct if you remembered to add "handsome" or "virile".

@Miss Yvonne: Thank you for the lovely coffin, I'll be sure to use it and when people say "I didn't know he died in a farming accident?" the coffin will spring open BUT THERE WILL BE NO BODY!!!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I am a little bit confised? Being eaten by a robot is a bad thing?

I am so impressed with your mad computer skill Kurt!All those copywrite symbols! Since I have pretty much no computer skills the little things excite me.

Kurt said...

@SBA: I just learned like 2 weeks ago and have been going overboard with it ever since. It's "alt+0169" with the number lock off. I've been using computers since 1978 and I never knew that.

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

SHIT. Can I say that? I like you and am very happy I read a random comment on a blog that you wrote and decided to click through.

Frank said...

They should call that robot a Transformer, because if it breaks down while trying to get you out of a burning building, it will transform into an Easy-Bake oven.

Kurt said...

@Frank: I need to Photoshop a "Genius Comment of the Day" Medal so I can award it to you. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Awesome.

Kurt said...

@Julie: Somehow, blogger ate my first response so I'll abbreviate it this time. "Shit" is fine! I need a shower! Thanks for reading!

Anna Russell said...

*goes to find a robo dinosaur and set it to vibrate*

Vic said...

I immediately thought the guy looked like he was in a box of matches. I want to drag his head along something and light him.
Which would defeat the purpose of escaping a burning building, I guess.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Not only did you corporate Gung Ho, but you threw in a little Short Circuit shout out? It's like a gift from heaven.

I saw Gung Ho in the theater when I was little, and I remember crying during the movie because I was so enraged that I could have seen any movie that day and I chose that one. Now that I'm grown up and can recognize art when I see it, I hope it will one day come to Broadway.

Cynthia said...

The Easy Bake Oven comment is genius. I don't really have the words for that dino-robot situation.

Nikki said...

If I was in a burning building and saw that thing coming towards me I would totally crawl into it's mouth because the building that was burning is so obviously filled with pot and it's all just a really awesome hallucination.

Kurt said...

@Anna: Why would you want the robot to vibrate? Are you tearing up pavement? Oh wait...I get it.

@Vic: It does. But it's a funny image. So thanks!

@SMU, Kid: I was hoping people would notice the Johnny reference. Yay you! I also saw Gung Ho in the theater. Micheal Keaton, pre-Batman was a nut!

@Cynthia: It really was. Don't worry I don't hold grudges. Except I do! To the extreme!!!

@Nikki: You would then be what the police call "a victim" because that things looks like a wood chipper to me.

Anna Russell said...

Of course I'm tearing up the pavement. Wait... you get what?

Jeffrey McAnarney said...

The Brits recently named the network, the one that is controlling their armed unmanned aerial drones, you guessed it: Skynet.

Ah, I love the british humor.

Brandy Rose said...

The greatest thing about mankind is womankind.
That robot is like a coffin on wheels. No thank you.

Prosy said...

I don't understand why humankind continues to try to make robots that look more and more like humans- not only is that confusing on the obvious level (i.e. don't we have enough humans? Do we really need fake ones?) and takes it to the next level, which you have addressed so eloquently here: eventually these robots will dominate and kill us. So many many stories have foretold this. Why are we so stupid?!

PS: are you sure those are dinosaurs fucking robots? because it looks a lot like dinosaurs eating robots, or dinosaurs just touching robots gently with their nose maybe looking for a pat.

PPS: the moral of my story was that chocolate chips are good. not muffins. parable failure!

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: I thought maybe you would be shaking paint canisters with it. Or Masturbating.

@Jeffrey: I read that and I was like "They'll be laughing about it at the exact moment a Terminator comes from the future and tears out their spines."

@Brandy: Men didn't invent women. (*insert misogynistic sentiment about how it would have been if men HAD made women here*)

@Prosy: Morals are tricky. I used to think the moral of every parable I read was "This story sucks. There were no ninjas." but it turns out there's usually more to it than that.

Brandy Rose said...

Oh dear, I came back to check for a response and I get dino porn. How awesome is that!

Mr Farty said...

You are Frankie Boyle and I claim my five pounds.

Kurt said...

@Mr. Farty: He is devilishly handsome and talks about fucking animals, so maybe I am.

Maggie May said...

This is strangely, strangely fascinating.
Humans are weird.

Kurt said...

@Maggie May: As far as robots are concerned, humans are FOOD.