Sunday, March 22, 2009

Skip This. I'm Going Back To Bed

It's Sunday morning and the I'm up because of course I shouldn't sleep in when the kids aren't here because getting enough rest is pretty much the same as drinking poison to me and I'm almost willing to go for a drive and find a lady hobo and offer her food and shelter and then we could have a whirlwind romance featuring purchasing her some teeth and lots of angry hobo sex and then we would get married in way too-short a time and my family would be all 'Yeah. That actually makes sense." but really the only reason I've married her is so I can have someone to complain to about my not getting enough sleep. And while a normal person would become bitter and resentful when they found out such a horrific truth about the person they married, a hobo would just be like "Have you got anymore cans of beans in the cupboard?" and then just scratch their ass.  And then if you got sick of them you could kill them with a shovel which is perfect for both blunt force traumas to the head* and also for burying. The shovel is like the Swiss Army Knife of killing hoboes.

You know what else is weird? That when I sit down to write and I don't have any particular direction to go in, I pretty much always end up killing a hooker or a lady hobo. Now you might think this makes me a misogynist, but the only reason I wouldn't kill a boy hobo is that you can't marry a boy hobo in New York right now, so the whole whirlwind romance thing doesn't work and also how can anyone be this handsome and be a misogynist? It's impossible. That's like being drunk and plowing through a crosswalk at 7:30 in the morning and NOT hitting any children. 

Great. Now I'm running over kids with my car. That's a terrible plan. Because children are God's gift to mankind and womankind (note:  NOT a misogynist... I hope I'm spelling that right. If only there was somewhere I could go to check. Some vast inter-connected network of computers that had a ton of porn on it**.) and besides if you run them over, who will grow up to be your trophy wife in fifteen years during your mid-life crisis***?  See, I believe the children are our future. I must teach them well and let them lead the way. 

I need to go back to bed and not write stuff anymore. That WOULD be the Greatest Love of All.


* I have a well-documented historical desire to hit someone on the head with a shovel so that it makes that funny "wong!!!" sound like in cartoons, but so far no luck. It's like a dream I barely dare to dream anymore. A dream that keeps landing me in jail.

** And the kind of porn I watch is not misogynistic because there is always a "safe word" and I don't even speak German so maybe she's actually saying "Please choke me and put your penis in my ear and Oh hey could you please pee on me? I'm getting a little chilly down here on the concrete and obviously I can't move my arms or legs.". Yeah. That must be what she's saying.

*** I actually did the math out on a piece of paper so I was sure I wouldn't be accidentily marrying a 17 YO trophy wife. Because the law is important to me. Any school age kid I might accidentily run over in a crosswalk would HAVE to be at least 5 and therefore safe to marry in 15 years. See? I'm like the Mahatma Ghandi of pedophilia. I don't even know what that means.

PS: As is usually the case, I've written the most horrific shit ever on a Sunday. So now I have to say I'm sorry to God and eat a bag of peanuts.  Wait...what? What do you mean that's not what "repent" means? Awww Man. I really was looking forward to those peanuts.

23 comments:

Chelle said...

*sigh* You'd buy teeth for her? I'm picturing Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio for the movie. He'll say thing to her like, "The raisins-for-teeth in your mouth have blossomed into beautiful veneer pearls just like my love" And she'll show him how to really love himself. Not in the carnal sense. In the sissy ass pussy sense. Then he'll go back to college and become a missionary, converting heathens in her name before she is tragically stuck with a shovel while napping under the town bridge. Tears running down his cheeks as blow after blow hit her. "It's because you deserve it" He sobs... Then he gathers up her teeth and puts them in his pocket.

As he walks down the street in the rain later that day, he notices a snoring heap by a dumpster... The camera cuts to a quirky raisin-toothed smile as he jangles the veneers. Then he places them in her hand and just keeps on going....

I got carried away.

Prosy said...

I've never met anyone so conscientious about the age of their child brides. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: That was wonderful. That was pretty much the story I was thinking except replace Jennifer Aniston with something else completely unfunny. Like a potato.

@Prosy: I'm sorta like Mr. Peanut or the Monopoly man. Thanks for noticing.

sour said...

OMG! "the Mahatma Gandhi of pedophelia" was my nickname in highschool!
it's a small world after all, my friend

Miss Yvonne said...

This post should be a public service announcement starring Sally Struthers and she'll be standing in a cross-walk saying "Won't somebody please think of the future trophy wives!"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hobo Tip:
Angry hobo sex first, THEN purchase the teeth. Cause lady hobos depreciate in value after they get their teeth, if you know what I mean...

Mona Lott said...

Toolbox Abductions IV. You won't be sorry.

Kurt said...

@Sour: I had this whole clever response that involved Disney World and "of pedophilia" and how popular you must have been, but the internet hates me. So I don't even know what happened.

@Miss Yvonne: I was going to write a public service announcement but all I could think of was 'Stop! Collaborate and listen!"

@SMU, Kid: I DO know what you mean and I totally was going to put a toothless blowjob in there, but I didn't want anyone to think I was going to treat my soon-to-be-dead hobo bride with anything less than respect. Because I'm classy.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know I'm pointing out the obvious toothless blowjob joke that you totally left out because it's done to death, but I think the toothless hobo beejay is a badge of honor for those girls. It's like, all they've got left, and it's probably a self-esteem thing. Someone's got to speak for the lady hoboes. I'm like the Che Guavara of transient fellatio.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: You just won the coveted "Funniest fucking thing I've ever read" prize. Congrats!

Brandy Rose said...

*places a peanut in front of Kurt...then another one a few feet away...then another one...Thats right, follow the peanuts, right into the cage...good boy. :P

Kurt said...

@IC: If I ever think it's a good idea to follow your google advice again, feel free to slap me. Torture porn isn't as "cuddly" as I remember it.

Captain Dumbass said...

If you move to BC you can marry male hobos and get free health care.

Kurt said...

@Brandy Rose: Just what you needed, a pet idiot. Please don't forget to feed me.

@Cap'n: I lived in BC for about 6 weeks and there certainly was no shortage of hoboes.

Michelle said...

Your like a car accident, I just can't look away!!!

How was the pancakes?

Maggie May said...

it's that last paragraph that really killed me.
i'm still smiling.

Kurt said...

@Michelle: Yep. I'm lovable in that "Oh my GOD that's gruesome!" kind of way.

@Maggie Mae: Your blogs are always so beautiful. I keep not commenting for fear of sullying them with my dumbness.

Soda and Candy said...

God, you're so right. The plural of hobo DOES have an E in it.

Where were you with this info a few days ago, genius?!

Kurt said...

@Soda And Candy: Hey! Didn't I leave you a comment? It's not there? Sorry. I'll have to go back. Hoboes is the fancy spelling, like "Ye Olde" or "Analé Sex"

Char said...

getting up early on Sunday morning should mean pancakes and the best dad ever song....to the tune of "dad is great, he gave us the chocolate cake"...not saying to directly rip from Bill Cosby, but it works.

Kurt said...

@Char: I'd have to kidnap hoboes if I wanted the song, the kids were with their Mom.

Schmutzie said...

Those poor hobos are always getting thrown into violent jokes. There should be a Hobo Action League.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahaha! I didn't think you'd actually DO IT!

WHY didn't I think you'd do it?! OMG, NEVER listen to me! (One of the TBA collection was my first porno. Talk about comedy gone wrong!)