You know what else is weird? That when I sit down to write and I don't have any particular direction to go in, I pretty much always end up killing a hooker or a lady hobo. Now you might think this makes me a misogynist, but the only reason I wouldn't kill a boy hobo is that you can't marry a boy hobo in New York right now, so the whole whirlwind romance thing doesn't work and also how can anyone be this handsome and be a misogynist? It's impossible. That's like being drunk and plowing through a crosswalk at 7:30 in the morning and NOT hitting any children.
Great. Now I'm running over kids with my car. That's a terrible plan. Because children are God's gift to mankind and womankind (note: NOT a misogynist... I hope I'm spelling that right. If only there was somewhere I could go to check. Some vast inter-connected network of computers that had a ton of porn on it**.) and besides if you run them over, who will grow up to be your trophy wife in fifteen years during your mid-life crisis***? See, I believe the children are our future. I must teach them well and let them lead the way.
I need to go back to bed and not write stuff anymore. That WOULD be the Greatest Love of All.
* I have a well-documented historical desire to hit someone on the head with a shovel so that it makes that funny "wong!!!" sound like in cartoons, but so far no luck. It's like a dream I barely dare to dream anymore. A dream that keeps landing me in jail.
** And the kind of porn I watch is not misogynistic because there is always a "safe word" and I don't even speak German so maybe she's actually saying "Please choke me and put your penis in my ear and Oh hey could you please pee on me? I'm getting a little chilly down here on the concrete and obviously I can't move my arms or legs.". Yeah. That must be what she's saying.
*** I actually did the math out on a piece of paper so I was sure I wouldn't be accidentily marrying a 17 YO trophy wife. Because the law is important to me. Any school age kid I might accidentily run over in a crosswalk would HAVE to be at least 5 and therefore safe to marry in 15 years. See? I'm like the Mahatma Ghandi of pedophilia. I don't even know what that means.
PS: As is usually the case, I've written the most horrific shit ever on a Sunday. So now I have to say I'm sorry to God and eat a bag of peanuts. Wait...what? What do you mean that's not what "repent" means? Awww Man. I really was looking forward to those peanuts.