Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Silverfish are Nature's Biggest Dicks

So it's almost Spring and that means love is in the air which is code for humping if you didn't already know, and also there is pollen in the air, and there is still a chill in the air in the mornings, so the air is super-busy right now is my point, and I'm not sure how I feel about it being otherwise distracted from bringing me delicious oxygen plus a bevy of carnocinogens which totally sounds like "Carnosaur" which was pretty much the best movie ever made, and if you haven't seen it then you're really missing out, unless terrible movies aren't your bag, in which case go rent "Sense and Sensibility" or some other sweeping goddamn Jane Austen reimagining and leave me and my poorly constructed dinosaurs in peace. Anyway(s), it's Spring almost and the reason I know this is because I just killed a demon.  A demon named "Silverfish"

(*cue dramatic music*)

This isn't a good picture of one because during the "lymph" stage they have way more legs, but what the hell, if you want to see what that looks like you can look it up. 
I'm not your college.

I don't know what the hell planet these things are from, all I know is they keep trying to scoot away after they are all dead on the bottom of your son's shoe and even if the legs aren't attached they still try to run and suddenly I've got a 20 foot smear across my wall of legs all trying to run away from me but not having any body to transport, so it's like that nightmare you have where you go to bed with your mother and it starts out all innocent at first and then it starts to get weird and creepy  and then you wake up and you're making out with your pillow and you swear you'll never tell anyone that story but 'Whoops!" too late dipshit, someone went and invented the internet. You just told the whole world. 

Also, these bugs appear to have a pocket of spacetime inside their abdomen that holds the leg running mechanism which seems to contain about 80 miles of tubing because there's no way that much guts could fit inside that little bug.

Of course, being a serious journalist, I went and looked them up online. Here's what wiki says about their diet:

"...These include glue, book bindings, paper, photos, sugar, hair, and dandruff. Silverfish can also cause damage to books, tapestries, and textiles. Silverfish will commonly graze in and around showers, baths, and sinks on the cellulose present in many shampoos, shaving foams and so on. Apart from these cases, the damage caused by silverfish is negligible and they have no direct effect on human health beyond psychological distress ..."

That's right, apart from pretty much spending their whole lives trying to eat your head,  and grazing like cattle inside your bathroom sink, they are totally engaged in psychological warfare with the human race, and I'm not saying that they are terrorists but I think we can pretty much blame 9/11 on them and maybe George Bush wouldn't have been elected to a second term if that hadn't happened and then right now we wouldn't have to be preparing for the cannibal and/or zombie apocalypse that will happen after our money gets done exploding.

Also because you're all pretty much perverts, here is a description of what it would be like to have sex with one, if that's your thing:

The reproduction of silverfish is preceded by a "love dance", involving three phases, which may last over half an hour. In the first phase, the male and female stand face to face, their trembling antennae touching*, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. In the second phase the male runs away and the female chases him.**

See? Even sex with them is all running around, and I don't know about you but the idea of super horny bugs running all over my house in the throes of some weird primordial fuck-dance makes me feel all oogey, and now I'm going to be super-scared that I sleep with my mouth open because I'm still traumatized from when that ladybug jumped down my throat. And that was a beautiful ladybug not some vicious hair-grazing space-time monster from another planet. 



* "their trembling antennae touching"? Seriously? Whoever wrote this is really turned on by watching monsters have sex and I think we can all agree that unless a Japanese girl is involved in some way, that's just disgusting.

** I didn't include a description of the third phase because it's like not giving the ingredients to a pipe bomb online. I don't know what you guys are liable to try, but I wash my hands of THAT responsibility.

35 comments:

Michelle said...

Yikes, that silverfish WTF??? Is this Gods way of punishing us here on earth??? Thats some gross scary creepy shit!!

Hopefully you won't see many of them, or any of them at all!!!

TrodoMcCracken said...

Seriously Kurt, you have to clean your house unless you want a horde of Silverfish carrying away your worldly possessions, wallet and or children away in the middle of the night.

Miss Yvonne said...

What the hell do you mean, you're not my college? The hell you say man...I've already learned more from your blog in a month than I did in the 4 years I spent in college. All I learned there was how to binge drink and how to not attend classes and still find a way to get a degree in Psychology.

P.S. My head is totally itchy now. Thanks a lot.

Sweetney said...

You are my new favorite blogger. Congratulations.

Star Kicker said...

I love Silverfish. They are more effective than Head & Shoulders.

Kurt said...

@Michelle: I live near a big lake. There are always a couple sightings in the Spring. That's why I stay drunk for March.

@Trodo: They don't eat GARBAGE Trodo, so I guess I'll have to leave the front door open at night and hope for raccoons.

@Miss Yvonne: Okay. I can be YOUR college, but I'm totally just a trade school. And my trade? Being SEXY!!

@Sweetney: WIN!

@Star Kicker: That's a good point because no one would notice your dandruff with one thousand insects wriggling through your hair.

Chelle said...

I was married to a silverfish for a while. He tricked me with his fancy sounding name. "Silverfish, how beautiful", I'd thought.

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, now I'm scratching like a crack whore! *HURL*

If I see one o'these sons'a bitches in my place, I'm just moving. And this will be our first spring here... So I'm considerably scared. (Infinity)

Kurt said...

@Chelle: They TOTALLY sound fancy, but so does "pearl necklace" and I found out that means something beautiful, but not fancy.

@Infinity: Sorry to whorify you.
(*wakka-wakka!! AH-ooogah!*)

Simplicity said...

LMAO! You had me at "biggest dicks"!

Wow...evil little buggers aren't they?

I have a few smears across my wall too, but it's from centipedes. Blech!

Kurt said...

@Simplicity; Centipedes are also super gross and need to be dealt with appropriately. I don't mean to minimize your anguish. Because I'm all about maximizing discomfort. I'm like wearing wet jeans.

Suburbia Steph said...

I LOATHE those little fuckers! Those and earwigs! They both totally creep me out! I'm always afraid an earwig is gonna get inside my ear. EW!

Frank said...

It never ceases to amaze me how you can work dinosaurs into any post. I really expected you to say it was silverfish that were responsible for the dino demise, but I guess that conclusion is too obvious.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

That makes me think of the one year where all those cicadas were everywhere. and you couldnt go anywhere without their red little demon eyes landing on your shoulder. Thats when I seriously considered moving to a climate that supported no vegatation what so ever.

Oh yeah and have I told you lately that you are fucking hilarious?! No? Well you are.

Maggie May said...

There are so many disturbing things about this post I don't know where to start.

Captain Dumbass said...

I remember being in the bathroom of a girlfriends in Montreal and one of those things crawled out from under the tub, only it was the size of a Tonka truck. I'd like to say I didn't shriek like a little girl, but if the skirt fits...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

They eat dandruff?? That sounds like symbiosis to me...win/win. More like Nature's Little Helpers!

Wait what? Tapestries? Good God. Those little assholes better stay the hell away from my tapestries.

Anonymous said...

*snicker* No you're not:p

I missed you. ~Infinity

Kurt said...

@Suburbia Steph: I just wiki'd "earwig" and now I want that piece of my brain back. It scared me so bad I forgot fourth grade.

@Frank: These bastards ARE the dinosaurs. That's my point. I only wish my house was infested with dinosaurs. That would be the best house ever.

@SBA: Cicadas are cool because you can pick up their discarded skins and put them in people's mailboxes. (in theory). Thanks!

@Maggie May: I suggest beginning with how handsome I am, and working your way from there.

@Cap'n: You're lucky it didn't run under your shoe and ride you around the apartment like a rollerskate.

Venom said...

Gross, I don't think they die unless their smeared into oblivion either...

Kurt said...

@SMU,Kid: I know. I was cool when they were just grazing on my scalp but "WHOA! Back the fuck off the Oriental rug, Asshole!"

@Infinity Cocks: IT IS YOU!!! YAY!!

Kurt said...

@Venom: They are even greasy enough to stain your paint if it isn't at least semi-gloss. They're dicks even in death.

Anna Russell said...

Silverfish porn! Kurt, there's a market opportunity for you there. Job result!

Vic said...

I hate silverfish, but I'm with Suburbia Steph, earwigs are worse. I had a friend whose Austrian mother told her kids that witches would put earwigs in their ears while they were sleeping if they didn't behave.
I was terrified of that house when I was growing up.

"trembling antennae touching" is so touching, like a Harlequin romance for bugs.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Every since I read the description of silverfish sex, I've had Unchained Melody in my head.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Every since. Nice work, me.

Ev'ry since pa left town to ride the trains...

Kurt said...

@Anna Russell: Hattori Hanzo wants to know if you're ever going to call him. He wants to "touch trembling antennae" again sometime.

@Vic:I'm terrified of that house now. Whoever wrote that bit, is totally have sex with insects like RIGHT NOW!

@SMU,Kid: Now it's in my head, so thank you. Also, get bent. I liked the little southern affection. Now it's like "Gone with the Wind" in here.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Are you sure you're dealing with Silverfish? Because I used to think it was Silverfish that were freaking me out, when in fact it was the common house centipede and it's unholy army of fuzzy legs.

*Shudders*

I've been meaning to blog on centipedes again because I had one of our art directors make a picture just for you ....

*Cue anticipation*

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, of course I'm going to call him. I just.. er... lost his number/was busy. But as soon as my antennae start tingling, he'll be the first to know.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: I knew you'd be all "centipedes!" in here. No, I'm fairly positive of my morphology on this one. Or as certain as one can be when dealing with a stain with legs.

Bring it.

@Anna: He's so effing NEEDY, isn't he?

sour said...

i have never had the guts to kill one, they are so scary!!! psychological distress is right.

Kurt said...

@sour: I want a tattoo of one. It's way grosser than a bloody skull or whatever.

Char said...

creepy as hell

Anonymous said...

Laughing my fucking ass off here...great blog post!

Anonymous said...

Ugh those things are so creepy! Here I am minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye one of those shiny little bastards goes scurrying up my wall. Ick! I killed it with the only available insect murdering device: a lint roller. It was squashed and stuck to it. Do they always leave creepy blue guts on your walls?