Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Nuée Ardente is Not Cheese
I don't know how I acquired so much knowledge about them, it's not like I went to Millionaire Volcano College or anything, but just the other day I was having a conversation with someone and I was all "I'm going to come at you like a nuée ardente!" and they were all "What?!" and I was all "For fucks sake! It's a super-heated river of gas and ash that travels down the sides of a volcano at speeds in excess of 750 miles per hour* and at temperatures exceeding 1500º F, Bitch!" And they were all "Couldn't you have just said 'Freight train' "? and I was all "Yeah." and then they finally gave me my Happy Meal so I didn't have to go all pyroclastic flow on their asses after all. I did not get an extra BBQ sauce though. So I crapped on one of the tables. In protest.
Nuée Ardente? Really? I don't even know where that came from.
I mean volcanoes**, as far as natural disasters go, are the effing bomb. They feature magma and the element of surprise, which is a huge plus in terms of terrifyingness, and also they can spring out of the ground at you without warning like a leopard, but with a leopard you have to live near them for this to be a threat, as to where*** with a volcano you just have to be standing on the ground somewhere. Which is pretty much all the time, unless you DID go to Millionaire Volcano College, in which case you can probably see them coming a mile away and then fly somewhere safe in your private jet filled with sexy stewardesses. I hate you entitled Millionaire Volcano College brats, by the way. The closest I come to that is putting a dress on my cat and playing with Tonka © trucks. Also, once you graduate you can call yourself a "Vulcanologist" and I bet at every Geological convention, a bunch of Vulcanologists get plastered on "Sex on the Beach"es and stand around making slurry "live long and prosper" jokes and doing the Spock thing with their hands, because that is exactly what I did when I crashed the last Geological convention and while security threw me out almost immediately, it looked like a bunch of the other guys wanted to join in. They were just scared. Don't be scared Vulcanologists! It's okay!
Another cool thing about volcanoes is that they have two types of lava, "Aa" and "Pahoehoe", and while that might not seem very awesome, check this out... they are pronounced "ah-ah" and "pa-hoi hoi" so top THAT! And if I had a job that gave me a reason to walk around saying "pa-hoi hoi" all the time, I totally would. It would be my own personal "Aloha". People would be like "Good Morning,Sexy!" and I'd be all "Pahoehoe!" and they would smile at this cute little personality quirk and marvel at how charming I was and two hot lady Vulcanologists would whisper to each other by the coffee machine that "I don't remember HIM from Millionaire Volcano College!" and then they would giggle about wanting my Nuée Ardente. Because that's how Vulcanologists roll, yo.
* I know "miles per hour" is the pussy version of velocity, but I don't know what it is in "kilometers per hour" and even if you told me I wouldn't know how fast that was because I can never remember is km are longer or shorter than miles and what a metric hour is, so you might as well just say "apricots" for as much as it would mean to me. You'd be all "That Nuée Ardante was moving at apricots!" And I would just shrug.
**Also cool is the "e" in "volcanoes" because it totally adds to my compelling argument about adding an "e" in "hoboes". The truth will set you free.
*** Fact:"as to where" is the worst phrase in the English language. If it was a guy at a rock concert it would smell like damp ham and onions and it would stand right next to you with it's arms up and have big tuffs of hair sticking out of the top of his greasy t-shirt's neck-hole and he would turn to talk to you about how awesome this Nickelback show was and he would have something in his teeth, and when you looked closer you would realize it was panda fur. That bastard.