Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Nuée Ardente is Not Cheese

Pew! Pew! Pew!

So I know a metric ass-ton about volcanoes, which is way more impressive than a conventional ass-ton because everyone who is Canadian knows 10 is easier than tablespoons or whatever, and the metric system is way better because what sounds better ,going 60 or going 110? I think we all know the balls lies with that third numbers column. Anyway(s)...volcanoes.

I don't know how I acquired so much knowledge about them, it's not like I went to Millionaire Volcano College or anything, but just the other day I was having a conversation with someone and I was all "I'm going to come at you like a nuée ardente!" and they were all "What?!" and I was all "For fucks sake! It's a super-heated river of gas and ash that travels down the sides of a volcano at speeds in excess of 750 miles per hour* and at temperatures exceeding 1500º F, Bitch!" And they were all "Couldn't you have just said 'Freight train' "? and I was all "Yeah." and then they finally gave me my Happy Meal so I didn't have to go all pyroclastic flow on their asses after all. I did not get an extra BBQ sauce though. So I crapped on one of the tables. In protest.

Nuée Ardente? Really? I don't even know where that came from.

I mean volcanoes**, as far as natural disasters go, are the effing bomb. They feature magma and the element of surprise, which is a huge plus in terms of terrifyingness, and also they can spring out of the ground at you without warning like a leopard, but with a leopard you have to live near them for this to be a threat, as to where*** with a volcano you just have to be standing on the ground somewhere. Which is pretty much all the time, unless you DID go to Millionaire Volcano College, in which case you can probably see them coming a mile away and then fly somewhere safe in your private jet filled with sexy stewardesses. I hate you entitled Millionaire Volcano College brats, by the way. The closest I come to that is putting a dress on my cat and playing with Tonka © trucks. Also, once you graduate you can call yourself a "Vulcanologist" and I bet at every Geological convention, a bunch of Vulcanologists get plastered on "Sex on the Beach"es and stand around making slurry "live long and prosper" jokes and doing the Spock thing with their hands, because that is exactly what I did when I crashed the last Geological convention and while security threw me out almost immediately, it looked like a bunch of the other guys wanted to join in. They were just scared. Don't be scared Vulcanologists! It's okay!

Another cool thing about volcanoes is that they have two types of lava, "Aa" and "Pahoehoe", and while that might not seem very awesome, check this out... they are pronounced "ah-ah" and "pa-hoi hoi" so top THAT! And if I had a job that gave me a reason to walk around saying "pa-hoi hoi" all the time, I totally would. It would be my own personal "Aloha". People would be like "Good Morning,Sexy!" and I'd be all "Pahoehoe!" and they would smile at this cute little personality quirk and marvel at how charming I was and two hot lady Vulcanologists would whisper to each other by the coffee machine that "I don't remember HIM from Millionaire Volcano College!" and then they would giggle about wanting my Nuée Ardente. Because that's how Vulcanologists roll, yo.

* I know "miles per hour" is the pussy version of velocity, but I don't know what it is in "kilometers per hour" and even if you told me I wouldn't know how fast that was because I can never remember is km are longer or shorter than miles and what a metric hour is, so you might as well just say "apricots" for as much as it would mean to me. You'd be all "That Nuée Ardante was moving at apricots!" And I would just shrug.

**Also cool is the "e" in "volcanoes" because it totally adds to my compelling argument about adding an "e" in "hoboes". The truth will set you free.

*** Fact:"as to where" is the worst phrase in the English language. If it was a guy at a rock concert it would smell like damp ham and onions and it would stand right next to you with it's arms up and have big tuffs of hair sticking out of the top of his greasy t-shirt's neck-hole and he would turn to talk to you about how awesome this Nickelback show was and he would have something in his teeth, and when you looked closer you would realize it was panda fur. That bastard.


Chelle said...

But imagine if it WAS cheese. Spice-ay.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I always imagined volcano's quacking when they spewed lava out at us because honestly, nothing is very scary about a quacking volcano until it spews fiery hot magma in your face.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: I will imagine no such thing.

@Trodo: You have a unique way of addressing challenges. You're pretty much the Keanu Reeves of Self-Deception.

Maelstrom said...

I'm having trouble with the conversions here. Can you explain the ratios between:

Metric Ass-Ton
and Fuck-Ton

I understand that some of these are Metric and some are Imperial Units and this is what's causing me the most trouble.

How does a Shit-Load compare to a Metric Shit-Load and just how many Butt-Loads are in a Fuck-Ton?

Michelle said...

Maelstrom poses some very interesting questions, THANKS MAELSTROM!!!

There are also:
Potato Shit-Loads
Crap ass load
Shit-Shit-Shit Tons
Fuck-Shit-Ass Loads
Ass-shit-crap Tons

Please explain these to me and the world!!!!

Soda and Candy said...

The metric system rules. The imperial system sucks balls (Grandpa Simpson: "I gets sixteen rams to the hogshead and that's how I likes it!")

Also, I'm pretty sure "Pahoehoe" is how Mr Burns answers the phone.

PS - I hate those entitled Millionaire Volcano College brats too. Rich bastards.

Mona Lott said...

I laughed a Fuck-Shit-Ass-Ton.

Yer such a nerd. I can't help but like you, but only a Crap Load.

Simplicity said...

Pahoehoe to you too my little apricot! I was almost a Vulcanologist, but *sigh* the Millionaire Volcano College took all my money and I just short with $999,999. Maybe someday I can join the cool crowd!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

An ass-ton is an ass-ton, whether in metric or customary units. It's like that question you trick 5 year-olds with: Which weighs more, 100 pounds of feathers or 100 pounds of steel? Their answer: Steel! Your reply: Use your brain, you fucking idiot. You know you were a mistake, right?

Anyway(s) ;-) what I'm saying is that an ass-ton weighs the same as a vulva-ton or a scrotum-ton or a ton of feathers, but a ton of feathers would fill up a house, while the other 3 would fit nicely in Santa's bag.

Prosy said...

I used to dress my cat up and play with Tonka trucks in the sandbox. But turns out having the cat in the sandbox was a bad idea.

Chelle said...

I beg to differ. There is a paradox, what if you're comparing an ASS-TON of Olson twin to an Ass-ton of flaming tigers? (Or Ax10 to the power of 2) Then what? There would be more tigers because duh, the Olsons don't weigh a ton. It's just how science works.

Also, if it were metric, it'd be an ass tonne. But that doesn't look as tough, now does it? It's a pretty fem way to spell ton. If I were in charge of spelling the metric ton, I'd just go with TUN. Phoenetic. Now if it were an Ass-yottatonne, That'd be lots. Even an ass-gigatonne would be more.

What am I taking about?

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: This is a question best left to professionals. And I think we can all agree, I am a wonderful father.

@Michelle: I would like to hear those answers too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Soda and Candy: You're right! It totally is how he answers the phone. That's why he's loaded. He must have gone to Millionaire Volcano College.

@Mona: I am a nerd. But I'm assuming you mean the super-sexy, high-adventure, six-pack abs having nerd, and not the sit at home and eat cheetos while I have cybersex with another man kind.

@Simplicity: Dare to dream it.

Kurt said...

@SMU, Kid: Some people were just SUPPOSED to be parents. I call them "victims of kidnappers". Thanks for the vulva-ton of good facts. I consider myself straightened out now.

@Prosy: Mine scratch the shit out of me when I told him the dress made him look fat.

@Chelle:I started to read it, but then it was math so instead I did a cartwheel. Hey look, a buttercup!

Also: I don't know what they need the extra "ne" for. How many letters ARE there in the metric alphabet?

Chelle said...

Yeah, it was a pretty complicated equation. My made up math is like that.

Chelle said...

The metric alphabet has 42.8 letters. Some are surprise letters. How fun!

Anna Russell said...

Kurt, I'm concerned. If you're crapping on tables, then I think Trodo's gotten to you. If you get a craving for bananas, seek help immediately.

Also, this post was hot and I bubbled with excitement to read it. Sorry.

Soda and Candy said...

You stay away from our surprise letters, Yank.

"Six hundred dollaridoos? It's a bloody outrage, it is!"

Mona Lott said...

But of course!

Vic said...

Volcanos are my nemesis (I haven't forgotten, Mt. St. Helens!). I punch volcanoes because they have it coming.

Steamy and Chelle are like measurement goddesses.

Lara said...

I totally knew all that stuff about volcanoes because it was a recap of the most awesome course of my college career (not Millionaire Volcano College, just regular college unfortunately) - Natural Disasters - lovingly known as "Natty Dis" to the 6 million freshman that took it all at the same time in one giant room. All college kids like to put Natty in the names of stuff.
Volcanoes are kinda cool, I guess, but I'm partial to tornadoes since I'm a Kansas chick with my magical ruby slippers or some shit.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Vic and I whisper quiet vengeance at volcanoes. "I'm rubber, you're glue...I'm rubber you're glue...who's dormant now, sucker?"

Somewhere in the world, crapping on tables is the equivalent of a Pledge© wax. So they should thank you for the dust free shine.

Kurt said...

@Chelle: I hate the surprise letters. I took a class in Canada and got an "asparagus". (don't have the symbol on this keyboard)

@Anna Russell: Don't apologize. Geology jokes ROCK! Wakka-wakka-wakka! (*slide whistle*)

@Soda: Australians have extra surprise letters, they keep them in the female's pouch.

@Vic: They use numbers like they were cheap hobo prostitutes. The numbers I mean. Actually...either way.

@Lara: I hate tornadoes. One knocked up my sister and then joined the Army.

@SMU, Kid: Except Vic would be more profane of course. They totally should be thanking me. Hell, everyone should be. Look how awesome I am!

sour said...

if "as to where" was a guy at a rock concert it would also be the one who was eight and a half feet tall, and it would come and stand in front of me. and then i'd get offended because IM THE ONLY SMALL GIRL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING CROWD ASSHOLE so i'd elbow it in the stomach and push in front if it, and then it would be rocking out and do that half moshing thing where it's jumping in place and flailing its arms and hurting me and its shirt would be off too so all its sweat and chest hair would somehow end up on my arms and then it would "accidentally" punch me in the nose, which would be fine except i just had my septum pierced fairly recently and so instead of enjoying the tunes i'm fucking blinded by the tears streaming out of my eyes and my nose is bleeding but "as to where" is oblivious and keeps moshing right into me because it cant even see me because i'm half its size and it never graduated millionaire volcano college like i did so it's STUPID

Chelle said...

@=== <---symbol for asparagus... or uncircumcised penis.

Soda and Candy said...

Kurt, you make me laugh out loud.

Kurt said...

@Sour: (*bows in reverence*)

@Chelle: I thought was "stabbed in the eye"?

Chelle said...

No, that's this one:

O X===

Nikki said...

I know more about volcanos than you do because I threw my ex into one and he didn't come back out, ever.

This makes me cool but also kinda scary.

Dana's Brain said...

All this talk about ass-tons, shit-tons and ass-loads and no one has even mentioned how totally cool the term "pyroclastic flow" is.

Yes, I did just end my sentence with is.